small chapter

Its been a minute- eh? I wish I was one of the people that writes ALL the time, but I'm not. I get the urge to write way more often than I actually do... I guess I should just stop resisting.... but um... yeah. A lots been going on. My thought bubble has been quite full lately. Basically, to put it simply, I've been fed up. I feel like I keep singing the same song- but its true. I am fed up. Fed up with this city, fed up with the monotony, fed up with being uninspired. I feel stuck. I always feel stuck. Lets downs seem to come at me left and right. Just the other day our car broke down again... and I immediately had a flash back of this past summer. In the spring our car broke down, engine locked up. Dead. Gone. Over. That led to me loosing my job. Its hard to transport myself from place to place with out transportation. Job over. That led to brokness. Bills barely getting paid, groceries barely in the house. Now it takes me forever to find a job, but finally get one. Then my dad decides to help us out and give us my little brothers car since he away at school and it's just sitting there. Thanks dad! Now we have a car again. Job- check. Car- check. Seems like our lives are getting back on track. A few weeks later, I get fired. Why? Still don't know the real reason... something about "bad work-match"... whatever that means. Unemployed again. But hey! I have a running car now, maybe I could get my old job back!... NOPE! My old boss said he cant depend on me, because of what happened when my car broke down and I couldn't get to work.... gee thanks. Back to back interviews, everyone says no. So we peace out. We go visit Chicago for a week. I figure there I can focus on what I really wanna do: model. I go visit Ford Modeling agency. They arnt interested. I go visit Elite Modeling Agency, then BMG Models... they both seem interested. So I bust my butt to send them pictures... and nothing. "No thank you. You are not what we are looking for at this time".... whatever. Story of my life. So here I am. I have three minimum wage jobs, technically four. I work in the mall, Shi by Journey's, Delias, and Hollister.... and I still do Bustown Modern once or twice a week. Then this past week the car breaks down. Here I am bumming rides, trying to hang on to my shitty jobs so we can pay these bills that don't seem to ever go away. I guess this is what being grown up is like. I find myself becoming resentful and negative. I hate that. That's not who I am. All I wanna do is travel with my husband. I want us to get out of here and see this world together before we look up and I'm pregnant, and we're thirty, and all we've ever seen is Ohio. I already feel like I'm too old to model at the level that I want. Just a little too old, hips a little too wide, and just little too short. Do I care? No. Because not trying is not an option. Am I afraid? No. I used to be, but now I'm too afraid to be afraid. It will keep me stagnant. I want to be that fearless, passionate, God-fearing woman I see in my head. I don't want to settle. But at the same time, I want to love the person I am today. I don't always know how to do that. Sometimes the standard I hold myself up to is so high and when I fail to reach it I mentally tear myself down and pick myself apart. Ugh! blah blah blah. I don't want this post to sound like my life completely sucks and I just feel sorry for myself. I just needed to vent. I want this blog to tell my story, the real story, not the sugar-coated version. Because I honestly feel like there will be an amazing ending, and without the hard part the ending just wouldn't be as good. This is just a small chapter in my life. But stay tuned, I know it gets better...

I CUT MY HAIR!!!

I had an urge to cut my hair.... instead I resisted an turned to my trusty bobby pins. I call it my faux rihanna cut :) Tell me what you think!

All the clothes can be purchased here >> http://stores.ebay.com/bustownmodern

the underdeveloped fetus of my dream

Last night I dreamed I gave birth to a baby girl. She was wrapped up in a pink blanket and she was about 7 inches long. I seemed to be the only one in the dream that thought it was weird that she was so small, while no one else really even seemed to care that I had just given birth. With the exception of my husband, nobody really touched, or even looked at the baby. Before I gave birth I never even knew I was pregnant, I wasn't even showing. The baby just seemed to painlessly slip out. I remember laying the baby by my husband on the bed, and then instantly being overcome with the fear that he would roll over and crush the baby. That thought made me so upset and angry, but for some reason I just wouldn't move the baby. Then I woke up.

Weird right??

So when I woke up I told my husband about it... he had no idea what it meant. So when he left for work I started googling it. (I'm kinda a google nerd, I google everything)

This is what I found....

As always, question your dream noticing the finer details. How far along are you? Are you showing? Are you close to delivery? Are you actually giving birth? If you've delivered, are you taking care of the child? If you are not showing, but know you are pregnant, think of this symbolically and ask yourself if there is some idea that you've conceived but are not 'showing' to the world? Is there something hidden inside you, waiting to be noticed, waiting to be given some attention and time to develop? If you are giving birth, think about what happens when a woman gives birth: there is pain, followed by new life. In this case, this could indicate something in your life that will be painful to deal with but will ultimately give you great joy. Or it could mean that there is something you want to bring into the world which will be as life changing as giving birth. Whatever it is, the good news is that it is a natural event, something spontaneous and filled with life. If you have already given birth, are you taking care of what you brought into the world or has it been abandoned? Look at your life and see if there is something that needs some nurturing, some part of yourself that means a lot to you, but you haven't been taking care of--a project, a relationship, anything. Ask yourself why this isn't being addressed, ask yourself what is more important that your own creation. Pregnancy dreams, like real life pregnancies are harbingers of change, creativity, and new life being brought into the world. Treat your life as you would treat yourself if you were pregnant and wait for the miracle you're already creating to manifest in your waking world!

Crazy right?? With a little research I got my interpretation... and it all makes complete sense...

I see this dream as somewhat of a warning, like God wants me to understand something that I'm not getting. I realize that God has put so much in me. He has given me gifts and talents and skills, some of which I have yet to even tap into. But I think God is trying to get me to understand that they must be nurtured. That's why the baby in my dream was so under developed. The baby didn't represent a literal baby, it represented my purpose. I was so confused and heartbroken in the dream because nobody seemed to take notice to what I had just birthed. Meaning that if I don't take time to nurture and understand myself and my purpose and walk in that, it will not grow and it will not make the impact on this world that it needs to. It will simply go unnoticed. My research explained that if I wasn't showing in the dreaming this could mean, symbolically that there is some idea that you've conceived but are not 'showing' to the world? That there maybe something hidden inside me, waiting to be noticed, waiting to be given some attention and time to develop.

It's all true.

Another interesting point in my dream is the fact that my husband was the only one that cared about the baby besides me. He is the closest person to me in this world. I tell him literally everything. He's seen me in my most vulnerable state. I have opened myself to him to the point where he sees things in me that I don't even see. So it makes sense that he would care for the baby as I did in my dream. But at the same time I felt the need to protect it from him in fear that he would disguard it like the rest of the people in my dream. I didn't trust him completely. I forgot that he was on my side. He saw the baby just as I did. Meaning that he sees my purpose and my dreams just as I do, if not clearer. I can admit that at times I forget that. At times I forget that we are on the same team and that he would never damage the things I cherish, but that he will cherish them as well. He is always on my side.

Deep right?? That was a lot of deepness to be so early in the morning! But it was a good dream, and I'm glad I took the time to understand it. I rarely remember my dreams, so when I do i like to take the time to make sense of them.

I will be asking God to give me a deeper understanding of my purpose... and as I understand more I will share more, and expose more of me.

I am full of greatness, and so are you. I encourage you to find it in yourself as well.

chicago visit

Im sitting in my Columbus apartment listening to Modest Mouse. I just woke up not too long ago. I feel content this morning. Thats a feeling I havn't felt in a long time. I know my last post was a bit mellow dramatcic but it was honestly how I felt when I wrote it. That was the day I went to my first "real" open call at Ford Modeling Agency and I learned for the first time what it felt like to be rejected in the industry. Honestly I didn't know what to do with the emotions I felt. I didnt know how to get rid of them and I didn't even know how to feel them... they were just there. It was a strange night, and an even stranger morning because wednesday I had to prepare to visit Elite Models. I went in there ready for anything and ready for nothing.

Walking into Elite I was greeted by the receptionist with long blonde hair, she was smiling. She told me I was early and to take a seat. I immediatly felt better... the receptionist at Ford never smiled. Finally they walked us into a room down the hall where we were met by the scout. She was smiling, and talking to us like she actually wanted to talk to us. The scout at Ford just wanted to get the open call over with so she could leave and go pick her daughter up from school... everything felt so different in this place. We all said our names, our age, where we were from, and how tall we were.

"HI my name is Tondi, Im 21 years old, Im from Columbus, OH and Im 5'8'" *big smile*

Everybody had a turn and then the scout began to speak again. She gave us a little lecture about how models must stand out, and we are only given seconds to make an impression, and then she turned to me and said... "With that being said, Im going to ask everyone to leave except for this young lady"

Inside I was jumping, screaming, doing cartwheels, and high-fiving myself!!!! Outside I was cool, calm and collected. She took me upstairs, checked my height, introduced me to a lady, and handed me something called a snap request. A snap request is basically a request for several shots of your body from different angles, so they know what you look like with no make up, hair pulled back, and no posing. Those photos are then, to be mailed in. I ask for her card, shook her hand and saw myself out the door.

We then decided to stay one more day, to see one more agent. BMG Models. I hadn't heard of them until I got to Chicago. But I felt it was worth a shot. They are are smaller agency but very reputable, which is never a bad thing. So for our last day in Chicago we paid them a visit. I really liked the feel of the agency, it was very homey. The people were friendly and helpful. They took the time to meet with each model individually. They also expressed interest and they gave me basically the same snap request.

Yesterday I mailed off the photos to both BMG and Elite. They should arrive in Chicago tommorrow... and in the mean time I wait to hear back...

crossing fingers, and praying to God...

there are a few of the photos I sent in>>

rejection

I stress and I obsess about the fear of rejection in the modeling industry. The inevitable rejection that awaits me causes fear to consume me at times. I often think I wont be able to handle it and that my skin simply isn't thick enough. I want to keep high hopes and and dream big and at the same time prepare for doors to be slammed in my face. I seek balance in that but most times there is little to be found.

planning our escape

These past couple of days have had me on such a roller coaster ride of emotions. Up until this morning my husband and I were planning our escape. Our plan was to quit our jobs, break our lease and leave in the night with out a word. Selling most of what we own, leaving everything and everyone behind to start over and hopefully find ourselves closer to our dreams. John had already put in his two weeks notice at his job- so the plan was very much in motion and I found myself freaking out.

I know it sounds like something out of a movie... but haven't you ever felt like that?? Like leaving everything behind to explore this world while you explore yourself? Or to stop chasing your dreams the safe way and take a risk?

I KNOW WE DID. We were over it... the monotony of life. We are 21, feeling 41. We wanted to do something that they people would look at and say, "that's stupid". I know it sounds crazy but we wanted to be "young and dumb" for once. We felt like our options were, work jobs and be no where near realizing our dreams, and struggle....or..... struggle doing what we love.

But, like I said I was freaking out. Silently, at first. We gave ourselves two weeks before the big move. Plenty of time for my mind to throw me in plenty of directions and convince myself to stick to our original plan.

Needless to say, we came to our senses, but we know somethings gotta give. Leaving now would mean breaking our lease and destroying our credit. It would also mean making a home in our car, that's if our car would even survive the trip. It would mean struggling unnecessarily.

Don't get me wrong... we arnt afraid of struggle. We know that making your dreams come true comes with a price. But that doesn't mean all good sense goes out the window. Although it did for a split second, so we let it back in through the door.

At the end of the day the overwhelming feelings of being unsatisfied and desperate forced us to look at our lives in a completely different way. We realized how thankful we were for our lives together and allll the things God has blessed us with. God has given us a huge assignment for our lives and he has given us gifts and talents to assist in completing what he has called us to do in this world. Therefore we have to realize our purpose and let it drive our lives and everything we do.

We remain unsatisfied. We are 100% not complacent. We want to walk in our purpose and we are willing to sacrifice what we must. But we also want to be on God's timing, not our own. And we also want to be directed and moved by God, not our emotions.

Lets just say we wont be in Columbus, Ohio much longer.

straight hair dont care

SOOO I straightened my hair... it took forever and lasted a day. My conclusion: BIG WASTE OF TIME... but it was cute while it lasted...

wee young thang

Last time you heard from me I was just a wee young thang... but today I stand before you as a woman... haha sike naw... but I did turn the big TWO ONE last week :)

You heard right ladies and gents- ya girl is 21 years old as of August 24th! Feels good I must say. My birthday was spent with just and my baby. We slept in, went to the beach, stuffed our faces at waffle house... the day was perfect :)

So far I have not become the lush that I imagined- due largely to the fact that Im usually broke... although I did get drunk with my husbands family- it was awsome- but thats another story for another time ;)

In other news I FINALLY got a job. I started at Rag-O-Rama on monday! So far I loves it ;) Hopefully I stick with it till I bust up out of Ohio

ALSO, on my first day I met a lady that recognised me from mane & chic!! She said I inspired her big chop- I thought that was pretty dope! Im really bad with names- but you were one hot mama, I do remember that! lol Sooo if you're reading this I just wanted to give YOU a shout out! - so there you go :)

ummm what else is dere??

OH YEAH- I met with that agent from S2 Wilhelmina. The meeting went great. But Im still not sure what I want to do. HUGE GROWN- UP DECISION ALERT. brain crashing... crashing...crashing....gone.

Unfortunately Chicago got postponed for a of couple weeks and for couple of reasons. For one, mother nature sent me my monthly gift. So we arnt speaking. And for two, I didnt like the way the trip was organized- to where the there was a possibility of me missing one of my open calls. Not cool. So we are planning it better and Im going to get off the rag and we are gonna go in two weeks... I've waited this long, whats two weeks.

"jaboree" music video

Remember I said I was doing a music video a couple months back?? Well they finally released it!! Please click on the link and tell me what you think!! :)>>>http://vimeo.com/5626049

Starring THE John Reuben

a few updates

I have attempted to write a post six times now. I have something to say but the words arnt comming out. I wanted to give a quick update on the goings on of life since my last post but I feel like so much has gone on Im not sure where to start. Normally I have a lot on my mind, but in this moment not so much. There is just one thing on my mind...it's not making much room for anything else. Im so hesitant to say it... and I think there's a reason for that so ill just move on...

OK, a few updates:

The job search continues... I havnt found anything yet but I continue to search.

My husband and I are planning a trip to Chicago so I can meet with Ford and Elite Modeling Agencies. I am extremely excited about that... it will be my favorite birthday present :)
I will be 21 August 24th. A nice way to start another year of life.

Also I met a lady from one of Wilhelmina's affiliate agencies, called S2Wilhelmina.... they just happen to be based here in Columbus, who knew?? Heres a link to the agencies site in case you live under a rock and have no idea what Im talking about >>http://www.wilhelmina.com/ The lady was very nice, gave me her card and told me to give her a call. I'll probably call her tomorrow morning and set something up. Also very exciting, I havnt been in front of an agent since I was 15 and I had my mommy with me... of course we were being scammed and lost a crap ton of money... but hey. Lesson learned. If I talked to this lady and she's asking for a mula, I know to say a polite "no thank you" and find to the nearest exit :)

In other news... I am more than half way throught the bible!! Crazy right?? I found this podcast called, Daily Audio Bible (here's a link http://www.dailyaudiobible.com/) It's amazing. I starting following along in January and Im already halfway through the bible...and I must say it's a great book. It will change your life if you let it. The bible used to send a "nap time" signal to my brain, which is why I can't believe that by the end of this year I will have read the whole thing cover to cover. Thats good stuff.

Also, I will be introducing you all to Seth here pretty soon. He is the next charcter in the childrens book I am working on. You might remember Jondi. She's the main charcter in the series. I introduced her to you guys back in June. Well, Seth is her bestfriend. He's all drawn out, I just have to finish painting him. When he's done I'll show you guys. I love him already :)

Oh yeah, I had a photo shoot at a fair on friday. Yup, right there in front of everybody. Picture me in a little tiny bandage dress, huge hair, and 4" fringe boots walking around the fair with a photographer and our assistant! LOL People thought I was famous! They were all taking pics with their camera phones and asking for my autograph! I got soo weirded out! It was like I was on an America's Next Top Model challenge or something! I had to play the games and ride the rides while still posing and trying to look "candid" all the while everybody is stopping and staring and shouting things! LOL It was super awkward at first, but then I stopped caring and I got into it and ended up having a lot of fun. The shots look amazing! They arnt edited or anything yet but heres a sneak peek...

Anessa Woods shots this... and I love it......Anyways that is all for now... Untill we meet again- stay sexy!!

bustown

who knew vintage could be so FLY?

http://stores.shop.ebay.com/BustownModern__W0QQ_sidZ37692875QQ_trksidZp4634Q2ec0Q2em14?_pgn=2

confessions of a negative nancy

I am in a place in my life that I have never been in before. I feel like a-stay-at-home mom without the kids. I wake up with John. I lay in the bed while watch him get ready for work. We aren’t big on chatting it up in the morning, so I might make sure he has his iPod or something, then I kiss him at the door and say bye and tell him I love him. Lock it, chain it. This tends to be our 10 min. morning routine. He leaves for work and I turn around and think, "now what?"
This is how it’s been since we no longer have a dependable car to get me out to my job, that’s 30 minutes away from our place. My husband's job isn’t too far, so sometimes he pushes our olds mobile (she's gonna die any minute) or he just carpools with a friend. My only job now is modeling for Bustown Modern and being wifey. It’s so strange. I am left with so much free time and I spend most of it alone, with no car and very little money, if any. The reason I don’t just get a job near our place in the mean time, is because we kept thinking our car will be fixed any minute now and I can just go back to Abercrombie Home Office....well...we thought that all up until yesterday when we found out the engine was shot....Bad news. Plan screwed.

Actually, our summer is not going at all how we planned it. I never thought... I would find myself in this little cage of an apartment day after day. The thing is, I am naturally somewhat of a loner. I don’t mind being by myself, at times, I actually prefer it. It’s the Virgo in me. I simply enjoy myself. I enjoy writing by myself, and painting by myself, and thinking by myself. But I have had an overload of alone time this summer. I've found myself uninspired to do most anything. Paint, write, sketch, nothing. My outlook became so negative. I just felt like I was locked up in my cage until John came home to give me some air. Sitting home, while he works 40 hours a week, had me feeling like a bum. A negative, uninspired, bum. Each day that passed I felt completely unproductive and super depressed. I kept thinking, I could have had the rough draft of my children’s book done by now with all this time on my hands. But nope, nothing. The only thing I can say is I have been on my A-game when it comes to modeling. That’s been my main motivating force. Knowing that soon, we won’t be here. That’s its only a matter of time, before we get it together and we are watching our dreams come true. We are struggling, yes, but our dreams are still so tangible. I still feel that we are closer than we even realize. We are struggling, so we are strengthened when our lives make that drastic turn.

This is why I thank God for the man He gave me. Because he has the ability to see through me. My husband knows my heart. He can pray for me, he can hold me; he can be strong for me. But all in the same breath he can call me out! He tells me the straight up truth, even when I don’t want to hear it. We were talking on the phone and he said, "Stop being so negative, and STOP complaining....you really just need to stop, you have a great life."

I was in the middle of pity party so that hit kinda hard... I got real silent... and ended the conversation so I could get off the phone. I wanted to continue my pity party alone, since obviously he would be of no assistance. He was intent on breaking it up. So I tried. I tried to sit there and sulk. I thought about how I miss my car, and my job. I thought about how I hate the bus, and all the men on the bus that insist on evading my personal space (yes, it happens a lot). I thought about how lonely I was and how I missed my best friends and my family. I thought about our plans to save money, so we would be able to move to Chicago, and how off track everything was. I loaded my mind with every bad thing that was going on until all I wanted to do was go to sleep so I would stop thinking. But I couldn't get John's voice out of my head!!

Damn. He was right. Again. So check this out... let’s go down the list of positives in my life...

1. God...enough said.

2. John Marshall Collins... he loves me. Real talk.
3. My family... we are close, only phones call away.
4. Food... I eat very well :)
5. A roof, and a bed

...this list could go on forever. Moral of the story: Whatever my situation looks like I will choose to be positive and grateful to be alive. I’m looking at this time as a blessing. A great opportunity to continue building my modeling portfolio, and a working on my book. I’m also learning to wait on God and have patience. And to live each day intentionally.

yes. im a dork.

L-five LIVE in cleveland

Lucky 5 rockin out on stage at Peabody's


i love the passion in his voice... they make love to their instruments

me, my cousin (lead singer of Lucky 5), tosha (my big sister)

marques and I :)

me and Tosha (my home skillet)

Marques and his girlfriend, Jacque

haha...this sums my sister

you can't have a night out with out one good booty shot

my lover man