Wednesday, July 22, 2009

confessions of a negative nancy

I am in a place in my life that I have never been in before. I feel like a-stay-at-home mom without the kids. I wake up with John. I lay in the bed while watch him get ready for work. We aren’t big on chatting it up in the morning, so I might make sure he has his iPod or something, then I kiss him at the door and say bye and tell him I love him. Lock it, chain it. This tends to be our 10 min. morning routine. He leaves for work and I turn around and think, "now what?"
This is how it’s been since we no longer have a dependable car to get me out to my job, that’s 30 minutes away from our place. My husband's job isn’t too far, so sometimes he pushes our olds mobile (she's gonna die any minute) or he just carpools with a friend. My only job now is modeling for Bustown Modern and being wifey. It’s so strange. I am left with so much free time and I spend most of it alone, with no car and very little money, if any. The reason I don’t just get a job near our place in the mean time, is because we kept thinking our car will be fixed any minute now and I can just go back to Abercrombie Home Office....well...we thought that all up until yesterday when we found out the engine was shot....Bad news. Plan screwed.

Actually, our summer is not going at all how we planned it. I never thought... I would find myself in this little cage of an apartment day after day. The thing is, I am naturally somewhat of a loner. I don’t mind being by myself, at times, I actually prefer it. It’s the Virgo in me. I simply enjoy myself. I enjoy writing by myself, and painting by myself, and thinking by myself. But I have had an overload of alone time this summer. I've found myself uninspired to do most anything. Paint, write, sketch, nothing. My outlook became so negative. I just felt like I was locked up in my cage until John came home to give me some air. Sitting home, while he works 40 hours a week, had me feeling like a bum. A negative, uninspired, bum. Each day that passed I felt completely unproductive and super depressed. I kept thinking, I could have had the rough draft of my children’s book done by now with all this time on my hands. But nope, nothing. The only thing I can say is I have been on my A-game when it comes to modeling. That’s been my main motivating force. Knowing that soon, we won’t be here. That’s its only a matter of time, before we get it together and we are watching our dreams come true. We are struggling, yes, but our dreams are still so tangible. I still feel that we are closer than we even realize. We are struggling, so we are strengthened when our lives make that drastic turn.

This is why I thank God for the man He gave me. Because he has the ability to see through me. My husband knows my heart. He can pray for me, he can hold me; he can be strong for me. But all in the same breath he can call me out! He tells me the straight up truth, even when I don’t want to hear it. We were talking on the phone and he said, "Stop being so negative, and STOP really just need to stop, you have a great life."

I was in the middle of pity party so that hit kinda hard... I got real silent... and ended the conversation so I could get off the phone. I wanted to continue my pity party alone, since obviously he would be of no assistance. He was intent on breaking it up. So I tried. I tried to sit there and sulk. I thought about how I miss my car, and my job. I thought about how I hate the bus, and all the men on the bus that insist on evading my personal space (yes, it happens a lot). I thought about how lonely I was and how I missed my best friends and my family. I thought about our plans to save money, so we would be able to move to Chicago, and how off track everything was. I loaded my mind with every bad thing that was going on until all I wanted to do was go to sleep so I would stop thinking. But I couldn't get John's voice out of my head!!

Damn. He was right. Again. So check this out... let’s go down the list of positives in my life...

1. God...enough said.

2. John Marshall Collins... he loves me. Real talk.
3. My family... we are close, only phones call away.
4. Food... I eat very well :)
5. A roof, and a bed

...this list could go on forever. Moral of the story: Whatever my situation looks like I will choose to be positive and grateful to be alive. I’m looking at this time as a blessing. A great opportunity to continue building my modeling portfolio, and a working on my book. I’m also learning to wait on God and have patience. And to live each day intentionally.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Monday, July 20, 2009

L-five LIVE in cleveland

Lucky 5 rockin out on stage at Peabody's

i love the passion in his voice... they make love to their instruments

me, my cousin (lead singer of Lucky 5), tosha (my big sister)

marques and I :)
me and Tosha (my home skillet)
Marques and his girlfriend, Jacque
haha...this sums my sister
you can't have a night out with out one good booty shot
my lover man

Thursday, July 16, 2009

lucky 5

Check THIS out...I'm going home for my second weekend in a row! Please hold the applause...
The thing is I promised my cousin (Marques) I would go see his band play when they came to cleveland... and it just so happens that they have a gig this saturday at Peabody's downtown. Sooo its no brainer... good music + my favorite cousin= me there! Plus my husband is comming along this time, which is perfect cause they have yet to meet each other. I know they will hit it off, because my husband can make friends with any and everybody... seriously... and my cousin is pretty much the dude version of me... so whats not to love?
Go check out the band...the name is LUCKY FIVE and they're the SHIT (excuse my french, im just sayin...)

(my cousin is the one with the cig in his mouth, the lead singer)

this weekend is going to be dope... PLUS my babe is taking me thrifting tomorrow... im gonna find some vintage hottness to wear to the show :)

Monday, July 13, 2009

the land of cleves

I’m just chillen, really... listening to this mix I made this morning and sipping on some coffee. I feel good. I must say. I'll feel even better when John gets home from work :) We spent all weekend apart once again due to the fact that I went to Cleveland to see the fam.

I saw mommy and daddy and my big sis aaaand my little brother and my niece aaaand my other brother.... it was perfect!

I missed them all soo much. I also got to see my dad in action on his campaign trail. He's running for judge of Cleveland. I’m proud of him :) He's so passionate. I love that about my dad. He's a passionate, hardworking, selfless man. I would love to be more like him. I love 'em.

Anyways, before I went to Cleveland I had two photo shoots on Friday. The first one was on the beach. I shot with this photographer named Anessa Woods (she's the chick that owns Bustown Modern). It was me and another model, Meghan. We looked hott! Decked out in swim suits and furs! lol I can't to see how the images came out. Hopefully I can post them on here soon. I went from the beach back home for two whole seconds to grab my hubby...then to my next photo shoot. I had to shoot for John Rueben's upcoming album cover set to drop in August. That was fun. I love John Reuben. He's awesome guy. If you're not familiar with him, he's a Christian rap should check him out >> Friday was a busy day, but good day.

Theeeen I went to the land of Cleves. Kicked it. My parent's new house feels like a vacation home. I love it. The walls are bright colors and there're lots of windows so it’s always breezy... I could have stayed there longer if I hadn't left my baby love behind. So we got back on the road on Sunday and headed home. I was happy to be back, I missed my bed and the guy in it ;)

Oh yeah!! I almost forgot! I gotta a job too! My bum days are over. lol Making money and saving money means BYE BYE OHIO! :) God is certainly good!

So, uh yeah... I think that’s about it.

Peace and LOVE yall **follow your dreams**

Wednesday, July 8, 2009


I must confess I've been distracted. There is one main focus of my life, one main passion, one main force that motivates everything I do…. Jesus. I've know about Jesus from a very early age, but I only fell in love five short years ago. It wasn't a trip, or a stumble, I fell and I fell hard. That love was so consuming, I devoted my life to it. Therefore my life is no longer my own and my plans are now God's plans. So I must confess I've been distracted. Busy making my own plans, and dreaming dreams as if they were my own. Forgetting who put them in my heart, and who will in turn make them come to past. I sit and fight with myself because I can't seem to conceal my weakness. Forgetting His strength is made perfect in my weakness. I must confess I've been distracted. In the quest to peal back the next layer of myself and discover who I am in a deeper way, there is no ignoring God. Because I, alone, can never understand the complex layers that make me who I am unless I first understand the one that created me. I will never understand my purpose until I understand my God. In strengthening our relationship and spending time in His presence, distraction seems to be my worst enemy. My husband said it best, " When God is out of sight he's out of mind, and when Im impatient with the weight of the wait, I step out of line". Stepping back in line is no problem, because God never leaves. Regaining focus is never a problem because God's love brings clarity. Remembering the passion and the dreams in my heart was given by God, not just for me, but the world at large. I must confess I've been distracted until now.

vinatge ish

Sooo I just got back from shooting for Bustown Modern... these are some the items that are up this week. Feel free to check it out >>>