Tuesday, October 20, 2009

the underdeveloped fetus of my dream

Last night I dreamed I gave birth to a baby girl. She was wrapped up in a pink blanket and she was about 7 inches long. I seemed to be the only one in the dream that thought it was weird that she was so small, while no one else really even seemed to care that I had just given birth. With the exception of my husband, nobody really touched, or even looked at the baby. Before I gave birth I never even knew I was pregnant, I wasn't even showing. The baby just seemed to painlessly slip out. I remember laying the baby by my husband on the bed, and then instantly being overcome with the fear that he would roll over and crush the baby. That thought made me so upset and angry, but for some reason I just wouldn't move the baby. Then I woke up.

Weird right??

So when I woke up I told my husband about it... he had no idea what it meant. So when he left for work I started googling it. (I'm kinda a google nerd, I google everything)

This is what I found....
As always, question your dream noticing the finer details. How far along are you? Are you showing? Are you close to delivery? Are you actually giving birth? If you've delivered, are you taking care of the child? If you are not showing, but know you are pregnant, think of this symbolically and ask yourself if there is some idea that you've conceived but are not 'showing' to the world? Is there something hidden inside you, waiting to be noticed, waiting to be given some attention and time to develop? If you are giving birth, think about what happens when a woman gives birth: there is pain, followed by new life. In this case, this could indicate something in your life that will be painful to deal with but will ultimately give you great joy. Or it could mean that there is something you want to bring into the world which will be as life changing as giving birth. Whatever it is, the good news is that it is a natural event, something spontaneous and filled with life. If you have already given birth, are you taking care of what you brought into the world or has it been abandoned? Look at your life and see if there is something that needs some nurturing, some part of yourself that means a lot to you, but you haven't been taking care of--a project, a relationship, anything. Ask yourself why this isn't being addressed, ask yourself what is more important that your own creation. Pregnancy dreams, like real life pregnancies are harbingers of change, creativity, and new life being brought into the world. Treat your life as you would treat yourself if you were pregnant and wait for the miracle you're already creating to manifest in your waking world!

Crazy right?? With a little research I got my interpretation... and it all makes complete sense...

I see this dream as somewhat of a warning, like God wants me to understand something that I'm not getting. I realize that God has put so much in me. He has given me gifts and talents and skills, some of which I have yet to even tap into. But I think God is trying to get me to understand that they must be nurtured. That's why the baby in my dream was so under developed. The baby didn't represent a literal baby, it represented my purpose. I was so confused and heartbroken in the dream because nobody seemed to take notice to what I had just birthed. Meaning that if I don't take time to nurture and understand myself and my purpose and walk in that, it will not grow and it will not make the impact on this world that it needs to. It will simply go unnoticed. My research explained that if I wasn't showing in the dreaming this could mean, symbolically that there is some idea that you've conceived but are not 'showing' to the world? That there maybe something hidden inside me, waiting to be noticed, waiting to be given some attention and time to develop.
It's all true.

Another interesting point in my dream is the fact that my husband was the only one that cared about the baby besides me. He is the closest person to me in this world. I tell him literally everything. He's seen me in my most vulnerable state. I have opened myself to him to the point where he sees things in me that I don't even see. So it makes sense that he would care for the baby as I did in my dream. But at the same time I felt the need to protect it from him in fear that he would disguard it like the rest of the people in my dream. I didn't trust him completely. I forgot that he was on my side. He saw the baby just as I did. Meaning that he sees my purpose and my dreams just as I do, if not clearer. I can admit that at times I forget that. At times I forget that we are on the same team and that he would never damage the things I cherish, but that he will cherish them as well. He is always on my side.

Deep right?? That was a lot of deepness to be so early in the morning! But it was a good dream, and I'm glad I took the time to understand it. I rarely remember my dreams, so when I do i like to take the time to make sense of them.

I will be asking God to give me a deeper understanding of my purpose... and as I understand more I will share more, and expose more of me.

I am full of greatness, and so are you. I encourage you to find it in yourself as well.

Monday, October 12, 2009

chicago visit

Im sitting in my Columbus apartment listening to Modest Mouse. I just woke up not too long ago. I feel content this morning. Thats a feeling I havn't felt in a long time. I know my last post was a bit mellow dramatcic but it was honestly how I felt when I wrote it. That was the day I went to my first "real" open call at Ford Modeling Agency and I learned for the first time what it felt like to be rejected in the industry. Honestly I didn't know what to do with the emotions I felt. I didnt know how to get rid of them and I didn't even know how to feel them... they were just there. It was a strange night, and an even stranger morning because wednesday I had to prepare to visit Elite Models. I went in there ready for anything and ready for nothing.

Walking into Elite I was greeted by the receptionist with long blonde hair, she was smiling. She told me I was early and to take a seat. I immediatly felt better... the receptionist at Ford never smiled. Finally they walked us into a room down the hall where we were met by the scout. She was smiling, and talking to us like she actually wanted to talk to us. The scout at Ford just wanted to get the open call over with so she could leave and go pick her daughter up from school... everything felt so different in this place. We all said our names, our age, where we were from, and how tall we were.

"HI my name is Tondi, Im 21 years old, Im from Columbus, OH and Im 5'8'" *big smile*

Everybody had a turn and then the scout began to speak again. She gave us a little lecture about how models must stand out, and we are only given seconds to make an impression, and then she turned to me and said... "With that being said, Im going to ask everyone to leave except for this young lady"

Inside I was jumping, screaming, doing cartwheels, and high-fiving myself!!!! Outside I was cool, calm and collected. She took me upstairs, checked my height, introduced me to a lady, and handed me something called a snap request. A snap request is basically a request for several shots of your body from different angles, so they know what you look like with no make up, hair pulled back, and no posing. Those photos are then, to be mailed in. I ask for her card, shook her hand and saw myself out the door.
We then decided to stay one more day, to see one more agent. BMG Models. I hadn't heard of them until I got to Chicago. But I felt it was worth a shot. They are are smaller agency but very reputable, which is never a bad thing. So for our last day in Chicago we paid them a visit. I really liked the feel of the agency, it was very homey. The people were friendly and helpful. They took the time to meet with each model individually. They also expressed interest and they gave me basically the same snap request.
Yesterday I mailed off the photos to both BMG and Elite. They should arrive in Chicago tommorrow... and in the mean time I wait to hear back...

crossing fingers, and praying to God...

there are a few of the photos I sent in>>