Saturday, January 25, 2014

I feel a shift

I'm slightly lost.

Which seems so oxymoronic for a person who Loves her life.

I'm unsatisfied with the numbers I see in the bank account, but I live a very rich life. So rich I am in fact, at times, overwhelmed.

I have this person, this human, this partner who holds my hand. He's my mirror. He's me staring right back at myself. He's got this passionate Love that he couldn't contain if he tried. We have this beautifully fucked up codependency that neither of us are sure of how healthy it is but we wouldn't have any other way.

I don't think it's normal for a human to be this close to another human but I'm going with it.
We will have been married five years at the end of this month.

Then there is Kyle, my first born baby boy.

The greatest of my spiritual teachers at the moment because of the ways he challenges me. Ways only a two year old can.

He picked up a great deal of my essence during his time in the womb… Loving him has been quite the self-Love journey as well.

Learning patience with him is teaching me to be patient with myself.

I notice the way I treat him is often times the way I treat my inner child. I fight her in trying to tame her wild and restless nature. She's curious and fearless and she can not be contained, much like my son.

My Kyle. My precious gift from the universe.

Oh, and then there's my Darwin Benjamin…

We named him after two brilliant minds, Charles Darwin and Benjamin Franklin. So befitting because every morning he wakes up with bed head like that of a mad scientist… I Love it.

I Love him. The sight of him makes me smile. His spirit is so light, he carries no burdens. Its so inspiring to be in the presence of this baby. He makes you breathe deeper… its strange.

He'll be one year old in just a few short weeks. It's scary how fast time passes… I swear I just gave birth. Screaming on that bed because he could care less about giving those drugs time to start working before he made his big entrance.

It hurt like hell but I'm glad it did- it made me fully present. We experienced that together and I feel that made our bond stronger with those first breaths he took.

He's a tiny version of John. My little Love child. It's been such an amazing year since he's been alive.

Now I have this bump again. It kicks and flips and punches… his name is Maxwell.

Maxwell Alexander Collins.

This is one of those instances where life throws you that curve ball that hits you dead in the forehead and knocks you on your ass.

I say that with the utmost respect for life and it's ways that I have yet to understand. Also, the utmost gratitude for the privilege to carry yet another beautiful life.

but talk about surprises...

I had plans to finish cosmetology school and finally start my career since I had chosen to do things somewhat backwards according the standards of the society I live in. I finally gave birth to Darwin, spent my time at home with him for those first few months, found my way back to school to finish what I started and not too long after that I peed on that stick and saw those two lines once again.

There was lots of pacing, lots of cursing, and lots of panic.

three kids. THREE KIDS! I was just getting hang of TWO kids AND being a wife AND balancing school. Now I get constant morning sickness for almost 3 months straight to top that cake off.

I was sad honestly. I felt like a loser. I kept going to school but it was hard. I didn't tell my family or friends for a long time because I didn't know how to. I just wanted to finally do something to make them all proud… my older sister had just become a doctor for god sake.

and I'm crying as I'm typing this because I had (and still have) so much to learn about self Love. It was like this infinite, divine being could possibly be define by any minuscule accomplishment. I was so mad at myself. I was so mad at my husband. I was sick all the time and really depressed. I came around eventually and told everyone. I even finished school with there help and support.

But after school it all felt pointless. I didn't feel a sense of accomplishment, I was just glad it was over. Not at all how I pictured it.

I clocked out for the last time and I got my shit from my locker, got in the car and drove home. I celebrated with the family later and we ate an expensive dinner and they gave me gifts. They made me feel loved but I didn't feel like I deserved any of it because I didn't have any big plans after all of that. I dreaded that question that everyone asks the graduate, "So whats next?"

I didn't really have an answer.


That was me in the car on my last day of school… about two months ago.

I can say there's been a shift.

I can say I feel a certain peace.

I can say that true bravery is not the absence of fear but taking action inspite of it, because part of me is still very afraid.

I ask myself questions like:

How are we going to raise three boys?
Where is all the money going to come from?
How can I be the absolute best mother I can be with out loosing myself in the sacrificial work that is parenting?
How can I grow the balls to dream, and not just dream, but dream big?
How can I find peace in the chaos?
What will my life look like 5, 10, 20 years?

I guess what I'm learning is that my life will be whatever I make it and if it doesn't turn out the way I want it will be because I made excuses instead.

Eckhart Tolle wrote,

“Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at the moment.”

Profound words. Words I must remind myself of constantly as a woman who is ever evolving. I must accept every aspect of the present moment and I must always, ALWAYS choose Love.

Over these past couple days I've actually been writing out goals and making time to make my vision a little less blurry everyday.

I feel a shift.