Monday, April 11, 2011

freeing myself

sometimes i get this tight feeling in my chest
...this anxiety.

it happens from time to time when i look down at my belly and think of my son.

This morning I finally realized what it was...
that ugly shooting pain in your spirit called guilt.

thinking about the way I allowed him to be conceived.
... how I am not and never was in love with his father.

that shit weighs on me from time to time
i beat myself up for being so irresponsible

I hate feeling like I failed the kid before he even makes it out of the womb.

Most days I do my best to push those thoughts out of my head.
If I don't they will consume me.

I have give up on wasting any energy on wishing I could change the past.
I have to stop torturing myself
I have to starting loving myself unconditionally
I have to be in a constant mode of gratitude for my life and the life inside me

the truth is I'm madly in love with my son.
I know the day we meet will be one of the best days of my life.
Every time I feel him kick I get this feeling that's indescribable.

I forgive myself, to free myself to love my son the way he deserves

... my sweet baby boy

Friday, April 1, 2011

my little baby bump

Oneday I woke up and there was a small basketball under my shirt... go figure.