Monday, December 19, 2011

The Evolution of my Spirituality: Truth At All Cost

I was afraid of the questions in my heart so I pushed them down.

The moment I realized I was pushing them down it seemed as though they would so effortlessly float up again.

Doubling my energy this time, I pushed them down once more. Only to watch them float back up to the surface of my heart like a dead fish in the ocean... or perhaps more like a beach ball being pushed down below the surface of the water only to slip beneath the pressure of my hands and spring up above the water into the air nearly smacking me in the face on its way up.

Yes. These questions were here along with the realization that the effort I was using to rid myself of them was in vain.

The fact is, the answers, or lack of answers to these questions would change everything.

Everything I thought I knew. Everything I found my identity in. Everything I found my hope in. Everything.

I concluded that the energy I used to suppress my questions had to be directed at the fear that accompanied these question and in doing so I was finally able to confront my heart.

You see, my faith has always been a big part of who I am. If someone were to ask me to describe myself in three words one of those words would undoubtedly be "Christian".

I am the daughter of two ordained and licensed ministers. My mother tells me she read me scriptures from the bible when I was still in her womb and when I grew older I learned them for myself.

I was taught that Jesus was the son of God and that he died for all the sins of the world. Believing that meant I could go to heaven, not believing meant I was guaranteed a spot in hell. So you can understand why I would chose to believe...I did not exactly fancy the idea of going to Hell.

Along with the gospel there were many other stories I learned from the scriptures. Beautiful stories, dark stories, stories of triumph, pain, heart ache, joy, love. This Bible, this holy book, was jam-packed with action and controversy. This book, I was told was where all truth was found- the words of God Himself.

Before I could form the questions in my heart they were answered for me as a young child. My beliefs about who I am, and who God is and how we were to relate to Him were shaped for me before my mind was even fully developed.

I don't say this in a negative tone... these are simply facts. Facts free of regrets or resentment or any negativity attached.

My upbringing, not free of mistakes, was done with the most sincerity and Love one could ever ask for. My parents are two people that will always have my utmost respect and Love and I am grateful for the amazing job they did in raising me. They are devout in their faith, and they taught me the same.

However, what I was not taught was to ask questions... or I should say I was not taught to ask questions that came from a place of doubt. I was taught that one does not question God and if there are any questions, any questions at all, they would be found in the Bible and only in the Bible. And if my answers were not directly from the Bible they had at least line up with the Bible. To seek knowledge outside of that would be in vain because the only things to be discovered are lies and Satan is the Father of lies.

So you can imagine the fear and anxiety that rose in me when I noticed these questions in my heart about two years ago. Was I moved by fear? No. I could move once that fear in me was dispelled.

That began an evolution inside me.

I wondered if I believed what I believed because I knew it for myself to be true or because it was all I'd ever known. I knew, and I still know, that as a bible-believing Christian I encountered God- that formless, infinite, eternal Being. I did not doubt that. Those encounters in prayer and meditation were not  fake, they were real- more real than anything I had ever experienced.

BUT, what about people who were not bible-believing Christians? Could they experience God this way? Could they experience real Love? Was a real God- experience something reserved only for bible-believing Christians? Was belief in Jesus the ONLY way?

Jesus. He is what it really comes down to in terms of Christianity. He is what separates the Christian faith from any other faith. You can't call yourself a "Christian" and not believe that Jesus is the only way. The very word "Christian" means follower of "Christ". To be a Christian means I have to believe that there is one way and that Jesus is that way and that anyone who disagrees goes to hell for eternity. Period. No gray, just black and white.

The truth was, I wasn't so sure. I wasn't convinced.

My heart and mind were at war.

My mind was conditioned to think one way and my heart wanted Truth. absolute Truth, not relative truth... at all cost.

Separating religion from spirituality was one thing. I knew I had no need for religion, I never really did...
but what happens when you separate culture from it all?... What's left?

The impact western culture has had on the church has always dishearten me. It seemed as though many of Jesus teachings have been distorted in order to fit in with the way our culture and society operates. It seems as though the church is not at all above the ugly affects that fear, greed, and desire for power have plagued upon the rest of the world.

I am not taking this opportunity to air out my list of grievances with the church. What I am saying is that there is a clear dysfunction in the minds of humanity as a whole. Christians call it "original sin". Hindus call it
"maya" or the veil of delusion. Buddhist call it "dukkha" or suffering. Whatever you call it... you can't really deny that its there. Just turn on the news. Look at the way we treat each other, better yet, look at the way we treat ourselves...

I can't disagree with the church when they say we need a savior, I can't even disagree with people that say they've found what they were looking for in Jesus. However, I also can not disagree with people who say they found it in the teachings of Buddha, or the Hindu gods, nature, or even themselves. I will not oppose any belief simply because it is not my own. I will only oppose indifference and hatred. I will take time to listen to my heart because it is forever connected to the formless, infinite, eternal Being and that will point me to Truth always.

So far in my personal spiritual evolution I have come to realize this:

Perhaps its time to take back the mind-shaping powers that other people have held over my lifetime. Perhaps I should let go of the anxiety that comes with doubt and embrace it and allow it to push me to search for Truth. Perhaps I should stop clinging to ideologies, beliefs systems, or doctrines for fear of hell and rejection. Perhaps its okay if people don't "get it" or agree and support me as I evolve. 

Because the fact is if I don't evolve I die.

Friday, September 16, 2011

brain fart. oh well

Ignore me.

Well, don't ignore ME... just ignore my constant posting and re-posting of videos.
For some odd reason every time I post video on here the sound is always off.
It bugs me. But whatever... I need to write anyways.


...I just drew a blank... I had something to say, I really did...

too many distractions....


ok whatever.
Basically what I wanted to say is I'm happy. I'm really freakin happy. I would elaborate but my kid is hungry and I gotta go.

I shall leave you with this photo that says it all

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Monday, July 4, 2011

motherhood awaits

Dear Motherhood,

I didn't expect to meet you so soon-if at all.
You could have at least sent word you were on your way...
instead you crept up on me unannounced with not even a phone call.
Now i must scramble to make room for you and hope there's room left for me.
Although, I'm sure it will be a pleasure when I finally meet you and you meet me.

It's July 4th... my son will be here any day now. He's due on Saturday so if he doesn't come on his own I will be induced in five days... FIVE DAYS!! How crazy is that? I'm so incredibly anxious. I just wanna hold him and kiss is little face!

The name we settled on is Kyle Kingston Collins... personally, I love it. However I feel every mother has a really obnoxious pet name for their baby, like "little pea" or "muffin" or "peanut" lol... I have to think of one for Kyle... it just has to be original and extremely obnoxious =). I see myself slipping and calling him by his "secret family pet name" in front of his first girlfriend one day lol

I'm just excited. This kid has no idea how much Love he's about to be flooded with. Love is one thing I can guarantee with complete and total certainty he will never ever go with out.

Mommy Loves you Kyle Kingston, feel free to come tonight... I would Love to meet you =)

Motherhood awaits... I'm as ready as I'll ever be!

how i approach my spirituality

"Do not believe anything
because it is said by an authority,
or if it is said to come from angels,
or from Gods,
or from an inspired source.

Believe it only if you have explored it
in your own heart
and mind and body
and found it to be true.

Work out your own path,
through diligence." — Gautama Buddha

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Monday, May 16, 2011

life is funny

What will be the brightest thing in my life was conceived in the darkest time of my is funny that way.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Me at 7 months
shot by Shannon Williams
make up by Erica Stewart

Monday, April 11, 2011

freeing myself

sometimes i get this tight feeling in my chest
...this anxiety.

it happens from time to time when i look down at my belly and think of my son.

This morning I finally realized what it was...
that ugly shooting pain in your spirit called guilt.

thinking about the way I allowed him to be conceived.
... how I am not and never was in love with his father.

that shit weighs on me from time to time
i beat myself up for being so irresponsible

I hate feeling like I failed the kid before he even makes it out of the womb.

Most days I do my best to push those thoughts out of my head.
If I don't they will consume me.

I have give up on wasting any energy on wishing I could change the past.
I have to stop torturing myself
I have to starting loving myself unconditionally
I have to be in a constant mode of gratitude for my life and the life inside me

the truth is I'm madly in love with my son.
I know the day we meet will be one of the best days of my life.
Every time I feel him kick I get this feeling that's indescribable.

I forgive myself, to free myself to love my son the way he deserves

... my sweet baby boy

Friday, April 1, 2011

my little baby bump

Oneday I woke up and there was a small basketball under my shirt... go figure.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Kyle Kingston

My beautiful baby boy, Kyle Mekhi
...mommy can't wait to meet you in July <3

january 31st: part four

I wrote this on October 1st, 2010...

"its been a week and a day since the most devastating world wind of my life... and that may sound overly dramatic to some, but to me it is a complete and total understatement.

about a year and eight months ago I was just 20 years old and I was standing at the alter in my long white dress vowing my heart to my soul mate forever, and he was doing the same. Not a relationship free from complications, but one full of passion, pain, and most importantly love.

in these past days I have watched my marriage dissolve, leaving me feeling scared, alone, and broken. my whole life uprooted and turn upside down. This past week has been thee hardest week of my life. Feeling the most pain I've ever experienced as if i was mourning a death. Not only having to deal with betrayal from my partner and separation from my partner, but also the stress of quitting my job, leaving everything behind, moving back in with my parents and adjusting to everything in my life no longer looking the same."

...I wrote that over 5 months ago and here we are.

January 31st just happened to be our 2yr wedding anniversary.
how bitter sweet.

Bitter, because of all the damage surrounding us
Sweet, because we stood there in it, reunited, ready to pick up the pieces.... together.

Happy Anniversary.

Today, almost 2 months later, we are healing the broken places.
Thee most gut-wrenching, beautifully painful, terrifying soul renewal I've ever endured.

Never been so weak
and so strong.
Never been so scared
and so fearless.

I love him. I never stopped. My vows weren't in vain. For better or for worse we are husband and wife. We can't change whats happened in the past but we can take control of the future. I don't need the world to understand us... we've been misunderstood our whole lives.

So slip that ring back on and let everybody know our story ain't over just yet.

stay tuned.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

january 31st: part three

I could literally hear him breaking inside.
... the way he sobbed broke the remnants of heart I had left.

I broke.
he broke.
the mess we made was staring us in the face.

I let everything out.
I told on my new friend
I told him what she had done to me
how she wouldn't let me eat
how sick she was making me.
how she was breaking me down to nothing.

He saw me. He saw clearer than anyone had ever seen me.
I knew how ugly the picture must've been .
so I prepared myself for our visit to end soon

... until I heard the next words out of his mouth.

"I love you"

he wasn't done.

"I'll love this baby, because its coming from you."
he begged to be be apart of my life. I could see in his eyes how much he meant it.
and then he touched my belly...

"I love him already... this blessing"
It was almost as if my mistakes made it easier to see past his...
and that was the moment I let out the last tear of sadness for the night...
joy was my new reason for tears.

He kissed my tears. He held me. He rocked me. I didn't want this moment to ever end because my pain was paused for the first time in a long time.

even in this big mess we made for ourselves
he was still mine
I was still his
and I could breath.
and I could smile.

all the mistakes stopped staring at us for that moment, only love was there.

we got it back.
we got it all back.

journey to healing...

january 31st: part two

self destruction became my live in guest in your absence.
she claims I gave her permission, she says I even cleared a special place

... I wasn't aware.

It didn't matter, she had already made a home, there was no turning her away.

sometimes she would stay quiet long enough for me to hear my thoughts but you always seemed to consume my thoughts... leaving me no choice but to invite her to dance... to seduce me... to distract me

my sweet self destruction, my sweet new friend.

she made all my decisions, never consulting me.

she picked the men I fell in the arms of
she picked the strong drinks I ordered at the bars
she picked the hidden places I could cry where no one could hear

the worst part about my new friend is that she had the deadly power of invisibility to the naked eye
my friends could not see her
my family only sensed her when she was near.


she was hidden
I was hidden
I was hurting
nobody could see

I had a secret. He should only hear from me.
looking in his eyes to release these words was not an option so I stared into space and forced the words from my lips as quickly as they would allow

He wanted to take me to New York in July to live.
He wanted to help make my dreams come true.



looking away I let the words fall out.

"You're moving to New York in July... I'm having a baby in July
......... its not yours"

I never heard a man cry that hard in my life. I thought I killed him then and there.

breathing became impossible.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

january 31st: part one

I saw him approaching my car.
I had to remind myself to tell my brain to tell my body to breath.

With every step he made my breaths got shorter.

I'm nervous.

He's here. He's in the car next to me now.
I can't look at him but I can't look away.
I attempt both.
I must look crazy.

"Can I get a hug?" he says.
...we embrace.

It was the quickest and longest hug of my life.
My tears roll down his back, his tears ran down mine
and in that second our souls came back to our bodies.

they had been gone so long.

I sat there exposed, the way I had always been with him.
the way I had never been with anyone else.

my best friend.

he was the only one that ever really saw me, and I only I saw him.
he told me his life story from the time he left my world to the present moment.

I sat, I listened. This man had a whole other life that didn't include me.
New friends, new job, new home, new life.
He looked different, yet nothing beyond his eyes had changed.

...they still read "I Love you"... just like they always had.

The very thing that made me hesitant to agree to this meeting.
I knew my eyes would read the same.

This ring-less man was my husband
and me, his ring-less wife had a secret to share.

deep breath.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

or else... why live?

which was the illusion? the love I felt or the indifference i feel now?
not sure which one to wish for.

such tragedy in both

this indifference is just protection.
what kind of way is that to live?

my ignorance is so terrifying but incredibly blissful at the same time

however, there is a bigger tragedy.

the uninspired artist who inspires no one

i believe there in lies the real reason for my tears
not because I'm broken
but because no real beauty has come of it

at least none I've seen

still, I let the tears dry up
because I know it's coming

it has to

or else

why live?

Sunday, January 2, 2011