january 31st: part two

self destruction became my live in guest in your absence.

she claims I gave her permission, she says I even cleared a special place

... I wasn't aware.

It didn't matter, she had already made a home, there was no turning her away.

sometimes she would stay quiet long enough for me to hear my thoughts but you always seemed to consume my thoughts... leaving me no choice but to invite her to dance... to seduce me... to distract me

my sweet self destruction, my sweet new friend.

she made all my decisions, never consulting me.

she picked the men I fell in the arms of

she picked the strong drinks I ordered at the bars

she picked the hidden places I could cry where no one could hear

the worst part about my new friend is that she had the deadly power of invisibility to the naked eye

my friends could not see her

my family only sensed her when she was near.

blind.

she was hidden

I was hidden

I was hurting

nobody could see

I had a secret. He should only hear from me.

looking in his eyes to release these words was not an option so I stared into space and forced the words from my lips as quickly as they would allow

He wanted to take me to New York in July to live.

He wanted to help make my dreams come true.

July.

July...

looking away I let the words fall out.

"You're moving to New York in July... I'm having a baby in July

......... its not yours"

I never heard a man cry that hard in my life. I thought I killed him then and there.

breathing became impossible.