Tuesday, April 28, 2009


sooo its been a week since i have hit up my blog... not that I have any devoted followers or anything like that...but whatever lol

thats cool....I still have stuff to say anyways :)

My husband and I went to Cleveland, OH this weekend to see my family. We had to take a family portrait for my dads website...he is running for judge... it was cool.... I missed the fam.

But anyways.... enough of that! This is whats been on my mind lately


I want to explore! I want to see new places! I want to leave!

My husband and I are only 20 and sometimes it feels like we have settled down... we wake up...we go go to work... I clean the apartment... he makes dinner... and so and so forth....

DON'T GET ME WRONG. I love my life...I appriciate the fact that we have jobs that pay the rent and put food on the table. I appricate the fact my husband is my BESTfriend and he rocks my socks! (the poem in my last blog was about him by the way)

My life is awsome. BUT- Im not complacent. There is MUCH more I want to be doing. And the thing is when life is good and things are going well its easy to get comfortable and forget about the dreams you are suppose to be making come true. Complacency is one of our WORST enemies!

When my husband and I got married at the begining of this year we said... we are getting married. yes. BUT we are NOT settling down.

That man is like my husband/ partner in crime...my P.I.C. lol basically what I am saying is we have stuff to do and places to see.

Right now we are lining our ducks in row so that we can take off.

First, a modeling career is what I want! I want it so bad I can taste it! I LOVE love LOVE modeling!

Second, I'm an artist. I paint. I draw...all that ish. Right now Im struggeling to find my artistic voice so to speek....but art is and will always be my passion. I want to start working on my childrens book that will be published ONE DAY.

Thirdly, is dance... a hidden talent of mine that has been on the shelf for quite some time... and I must say I miss it...God didnt give me that gift for nothing...I am just waiting for an outlet to set it free once again...

SOOO as you can see... I have A LOT to do. Believe im gonna do it ALL! Im gonna be all over the place (me and my baby) WATCH :)

I just need to chill out and be patient. God may not always move when I want him to but he ALWAYS moves at just the right time. I know he has to prepare me.

I have to truely understand His purpose for it all before he sends me out there.

For instance, God doesnt want me to model so can look cute on a magazine cover (im pretty sure he could care less) But what he does care about is little girls seeing the beauty in themselves and being inspired to embrace that. Modeling is a great to tool for inspiration.

God's plans are so much bigger than mine... I know I have to take this waiting period to simply listen.

I will move when God says move and stay when God says stay... but OMG thats so much easier said than done...

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

love itself

He loves like he was taught by love Itself.
Oneday, Love, in it nakedness, sat him down.
Love revealed itself in the purest way- with everything stripped.
No religon to blur the view.
No fear to numb the feeling.
Bearing its flesh.
Telling its truths.
Days he spent locked in a room.
Just him- love- and his open heart.
Love was the teacher.
He was the student.
His heart was the space where his lesson were written.
Everyday I get to open it- to read, and learn, and feel.
In fact I hold it in my chest.
It pumps the blood that now flows through my veins.
With no religion to blur the view and no fear to numb the feeling and everything stripped.
We love like we were taught by Love Itself.

Monday, April 20, 2009

truth is golden

There are so many unanswered questions that I have never felt the liberty to ask...until now. I suppose when something is spoon-fed to you from the beginning you never stop to ask "what is this?” Instead I have built my life on it with silent doubt- never audible questions. I don’t suppose it was fear that kept my lips together- or perhaps it was. Fear of the answer- more than that- fear of the question floating in the air remaining unanswered- which would be the worst answer of all. There is a mental deprogramming going on inside my head and I have just completed phase one: realization of flaws in my current mental program. SHOCK. If you sense any bit of sarcasm in that statement you couldn’t be more wrong. When something that is so much a part of who I am- something as serious as faith- is challenged internally- that is nothing short of a shock to the system. As I think about what I have always believed verses what I know in my heart to be true, I find the two to be unbalanced. A wise person once told me that asking why is not the same as saying no. That same person expressed to me (with great passion) that if our entire faith could be nullified by the answers of questions or the asking of questions when it wasn’t much of a faith to begin with. Those words have stayed with me since that night. Today I have a new found liberty to simply ask. Presenting the matters of my faith that I have not yet come to understand to God. And not just in a logical way, but in a real way- a way that my heart (not mind) will understand. My sister once said that logic is the cage that fearful people lock their minds in. And as we all know fear is the opposite of love- and God is love. So through all the questions and all the answers- there is one thing that my heart has understood for a while now- and that is God loves me. He loved me before I loved him back. He loves me when I break his heart. He loves unconditionally beyond my comprehension.
Show me your heart Lord- there I find truth.