im at peace...
never thought I would feel that again.
i meditate a lot these days
...which is funny because I used to mock people who were in to meditation...
i feel im surrounded by a lot of people who wouldn't understand my spiritual journey if i tried to explain it.
so i dont.
i dont want it tainted by close-minded opinions.
...im more connected to myself than I have ever been in my life.
i feel really thankful
... for everything
good and bad
im learning how to breath again.
Friday, October 1, 2010
its been a week and a day since the most devastating world wind of my life... and that may sound overly dramatic to some, but to me it is a complete and total understatement.
about a year and eight months ago I was just 20 years old and I was standing at the alter in my long white dress vowing my heart to my soul mate forever, and he was doing the same. Not a relationship free from complications, but one full of passion, pain, and most importantly love.
in these past days I have watched my marriage dissolve, leaving me feeling scared, alone, and broken. my whole life uprooted and turn upside down. This past week has been thee hardest week of my life. Feeling the most pain I've ever experienced as if i was mourning a death. Not only having to deal with betrayal from my partner and separation from my partner, but also the stress of quitting my job, leaving everything behind, moving back in with my parents and adjusting to everything in my life no longer looking the same.
This caused me great devastation.
Panic attack after panic attack.
Loss of appetite
and just the constant battle with depression... the kind where all u want to do is sleep in the dark. wake up and cry until you cry yourself back to sleep... in the dark.
And the midst of it all... this loss of my love... I've never felt so loved by so many. People I least expected. The messages, the texts, the voice mails, the phone calls... everyone sending out love and sending up prayers. Helping strengthen me everyday when I feel that darkness taking over.
With all that love, one can't stay depressed forever. But with that said, the only thing people keep saying that is somewhat difficult to hear is,
"Tondi, you know you have to forgive him, not for him, but for you..."
I've struggled with that so much! Because on one hand, I hate him for causing me all this pain and abandoning me, and on the other hand, I love him and miss him so much.
And what's even harder is that I know we will always love each other. But I also know that's its over. It has to be over.
But anyways... back to forgiveness...
I've been reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert... and me, I'm a really slow reader so yesterday I finally got to the part about prayer (the middle section of the book). In this section the author travels to India to get a deeper understanding of devotion.
This woman is recently divorced (how appropriate :-/) and she is expressing the pain of loosing a soul mate to a friend... this is what her friend tells her...
"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is mirror, the person that shows you everything that's holding you back, the person that brings you to your own attention so that you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is you just can't let this one go. His purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that marriage you need to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life. That was his job, and he did great, but now its over"
he goes on to say,
"Problem is, you can't accept that this relationship had a real short shelf life. You're like a dog at a dump, - you're just licking at an empty tin can, trying to get more nutrition out of it. And if you're not careful, that can's gonna get stuck on your snout forever and make your life miserable. So drop it.
"... You're just afraid to let go of those last bits of him because then you'll really be alone... but here's what you gotta understand, If you clear out all that space in your mind that you're using to obsess over him, you'll have a vacuum there. an open spot- a door way. And guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in- God will rush in- and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using that guy to block that door. Let it go."
Those were thee most profound words I've heard all week. And they have changed my perspective on this whole situation.
Am i healed? Not all the way.
Is my heart still broken? Yes... but somehow its still beating. And when I step back and gain some perspective (the little perspective I can gain at this very moment) I see that my husband served his purpose in my life. A very very important and impactful purpose. And I believe I did the same for him. We just thought it would be forever and it didn't turn out that way. But at 22 I'm learning that things just don't always turn out the way you plan them but that's okay.
And to John, I love you, I thank you, I forgive you, and I release you.
And to myself, I love you, I forgive you, and I promise to learn you in a deeper way.
I promise to never loose you. I promise to not be afraid of who you are apart from a man, or anyone. And I promise to never reject you but love and embrace you more and more every day.