Tuesday, December 25, 2012

So Much For the Walls

From her core she screamed the loudest silent scream sound waves had ever gathered to make. he turned.

Somehow the inaudible sound waves reached him - be it his ears or his heart.

Looking up at him posed the threat of her lungs betrayal. She already found breathing difficult.

It didn't matter though. He already saw her. Through every layer.

Feeling the penetration of his gaze she began to wonder why she bothered wearing clothes- or skin for that matter.

So much for the walls she built.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

new things...

Hellooo? Are you there??

.... Ok I'm back :) 

Miss me?

Aww really? I missed you too :)

OK. SOooo... where did we leave off?

The last post was a video of Kyle back in February... damn... that was a long tim ago!

Updates are in order and waaay long over due.
I have so much going on, so many new things happening, and one piece of really BIG news :)

... where to begin?

I suppose I will start off by talking about Kyle. Remember him? That beautiful thing I popped out last summer...

That's him. He turned one in July and that first year just flew by. He's getting so big and so smart and I just look at him everyday in awe that I made that. And then some days I look at him and he's acting like a wild monkey and I think why did I make that? <---- insert laughter here :-) 

Basically, this what it comes down to: his existence was vital for my evolution and for that I am beyond grateful. It's a crazy intense feeling to Love someone so immensely and know that they may never comprehend just how deep and all-consuming that Love is. Even though everyday of motherhood isn't easy breezy I was built for this and I absolutely love it. 

Interestingly Kyle brought me back to life in a way, but he also caused me to loose myself in way that only newborn babies can. As a new parent you get so caught up in the demands of parenthood sometime you begin to feel disconnected with yourself and when that happens you can begin to feel lost. I can definitely say I experienced that. I was so blessed to have the ability to stay home with Kyle the entire first year of his life. I was so grateful I didn't have to shove him daycare the minute I popped him out. I needed that time with him, I needed to be there for him because I felt like I had been so much emotionally when I carried him in my womb and I felt that it affected him as well and I guess in a sense we need to heal together and love on one another and thankfully I had that opportunity. 

A year is a long time. In that time I didn't really have a car or any way to get around, money was low, and though I was happy to be home with my new baby I began to feel caged in after a while. That feeling pushed me to figure out exactly what my next move needed to be and from there somethings in my life began make more sense and I was able to map out a plan.

I knew what I needed
I needed a career. I needed minimal investment in time and money in that career. I needed to be creative. I needed something the potential to be lucrative. Most of all I need to find something I would be happy doing.

And I swear, just like that it hit me...

Cosmetology school.

It was one of those "duh Tondi" moments because it just made sense. I love the world of beauty- always have. I had my husband's support and my parents support and motivation from this beautiful little baby boy and that was really all I needed.

To make a long story short I found a cosmetology school that I fell in love with immediately: Brown Aveda Institute. I am currently enrolled and almost 3 months into the program and I love it.

I love it for a lot reasons. I love the company, the brand, the philosophy behind it all... everything. Aveda is dedicated to not only beauty but mind, body, spirit wellness, as well as caring for the world and our environment. I know I am at the right place at the right time. It feels good to discover new passions and talents and still hold on to the old ones. Published illustrator, writer, model... and now I can add stylist to my list of professional ambitions.

I am at school all day Tuesday through Saturday. While I'm at school Kyle is at home with his dad... and let me just say, he has an amazing dad. I'm pretty sure my husband is one the most incredible human beings I've ever encountered. He takes care of the baby all day while I'm gone then goes and works until the middle of the night, sleeps for a little bit, then wakes up and does it all over again. He's sacrificing and taking care of his family and he never ceases to amaze me. Everyday he wakes up and shows me how dedicated he is to loving me, Kyle, and more importantly himself. I seriously never thought the past would end up so far behind us. John maybe be a "stepfather" to Kyle but nobody (other than myself) loves that baby as much as he does. From day one Kyle had him hooked. Their relationship is so special and it still blows me away to think about how that big huge mess turned into what I have now which is a marriage that is stronger than it ever was and the beginning of my own beautiful family however unconventional it is. I am grateful. 

(below is collage I put together for John on Father's Day. these photos are priceless...)

Speaking of things to be grateful for...

Baby number 2 is on thee way!!! :-)

That's the big news that we are beyond excited about. I will be bring yet another beautiful baby boy in to the world around February 10th, 2013!
I like to refer to Kyle as my super hero baby because he save my life in many ways
... this one, is my Love child :-) 

To my Love child, I can't wait to meet you!!!! I love you already!!! You have an amazing Daddy and a crazy big brother eagerly awaiting your arrival!! See you in about 5months!!!

And to my readers, thanks for reading, thanks for all the beautiful comments you leave, and thanks for all the positive energy. Despite the long breaks I take from blogging this really has become a kind of therapy for me where I can think out loud and tell my story. 

So stay tuned

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

the best sound I've ever heard

Sometimes u get lucky and catch those priceless moments on film :)

Monday, January 30, 2012

my "Dear John" letter

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Dear John,

         SO our Love story continues. I imagine that if Mr.Walt Disney were still alive today he would have most likely turned up his nose if someone were to pitch our story for his next animated film... but I find that our plot twist has a certain undeniable charm and the "happily ever after" ending doesn't hurt either... what does Disney know anyways...

It was a dream, then it was a fairy tale, then it was a nightmare, and then we woke up. We have weathered storms, we bathed in sunshine, we hurt each other, we have healed each other. We have Loved, and we have Loved harder.

You could have been just a memory today... a sad story I would try to forget. Instead, today we get to celebrate 3yrs of marriage, and I must say that I am humbled and grateful that we have found something undeniably indestructible in the Love we share.

I want you to know you are more than a man, more than my husband, more than a father; more than anyone will ever be able to comprehend. Your depth is endless and I am so grateful to be able to experience all that you are. You have my heart, and those aren't just words. 

I Love you for being my best friend. I Love you for working so hard on yourself. I Love you for the way your brain works. I Love you for learning how to make my coffee. I Love you for being different than anybody I've ever met. I Love you for enabling my candy addiction. I Love you for being strong for our family. I Love for being incredibly talented. I Love you for providing. I Love you for cracking me open. I Love you for never ignoring my feelings. I Love you teaching me about the importance of self-Love. I Love you for teaching me about forgiveness. I Love you for encouraging me. I Love you for loving Kyle like he was your own. I Love you for protecting me. I Love your new haircut. I Love you for never holding grudges. I Love every single freckle on your body. I Love you for being patient with me. I Love you for wanting my happiness more than your own. I Love you for challenging me. I Love you for telling the truth. I Love you for Loving me...

I Love YOU...times infinity.

Happy Anniversary Baby!!!

your wife, Tondi Collins. 

p.s. "Tryna get fresh?!!"