Monday, May 25, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
Friday, May 1, 2009
My alarm clock goes off... its 6:15... I hit the snooze button and the jolly tune goes away to my releif and I drift back to sleep...five minutes pass...there it goes again... the scene replays a couple of times and finally I attempt to use my mind power to tell my feet to touch the floor...
I hate mornings.
Before my eyes even get good and open my head is full and my mind is racing. Worry seemed to flood my mind...
the car broke down the other day...how are we gonna get to work?...we have to repair the car... money is ALready low aaand rent is due...
This is the kinda stuff that makes me wish I was five again... all I had to worry about was my barbies and sneaking candy before dinner....stuff like that...aaaand mandatory naps were scheduled! I would kill for mandatory naps nowadays! But anyways... those days are gone... (sad face)
The thing is I hate worrying. I dont want to be the type of person who doesnt care about anything but i dont want to be the worry wart I see myself turning into. I just sit there and wreck my brain for hours! One thought will lead another thought which will lead to another thought, then that thought will lead right back to the first thought until I have conjured up the worst possible situation in my mind and Im completly freaked out!!
In my mind I was permanently car-less and therefore job-less and therefore apartment-less!! That meant we would have to move in with Johns grandma and stay in John's old room. And all i could picture was life sucking!! Sucking really bad!! And I freaked out!
By this time I was fully awake and I had made it to the shower...and in the midst of my freak out... I stopped myself. I looked at what I was putting myself through...the unnecessary mental anguish.
I felt pathetic. I figured I could do one of two things: suck it up and keep it movin OR I could wake up John and cry on his shoulder so he would comfort me. He knows how my mind works and he would have told to calm down and stop thinking so hard... then he would have looked in my eyes and said he loves me and that God loves even more than he does. He would have reminded me that God has always taken care of us and he always will. And after being challenged to trust God and stop worrying I would have gone along with my day.
I didnt have to wake up John because knowing what he would say and playing the scenario in my head was enough. It was enough of a reminder to stop worrying and trust God. So I prayed.
I asked God for his will to be done...I asked Him to help me not to worry... and to keep me strong.
And I think he heard me because my mind was at peace.
I thought about the worst thing that could happen and it didnt seem that bad anymore. Strangely enough...it actually seemed good...
then I thought what if this was all Gods plan?
What of this is God's way of positioning us to make sacrifices that will pay off in the end?
If we ended up having to stay at John's grandma's house we would be able to save sooo much money. I could get a job nearby and John could carpool to work with his friend. And in the mean time we could save like crazy. That would put us in position to move to chicago by 2010 which is a major goal of ours...
While we stayed there, I would be able to finally get to know my new grandma. We could pick up a household bill and help her around the house and most of all she wouldnt be so alone. I know she is lonely most of time since John moved out, we could be there for her.
Suddenly everything seemed okay. Looking ahead didnt seem so scary. Whether this was the direction God was leading us or not... I had found peace and thats exactly what I needed. I need to know that my life wasnt about to spin out of control. Im no longer worrying... we will just have to see what happens...
maybe God knows what He's doing after all :)