Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Kyle Kingston

My beautiful baby boy, Kyle Mekhi
...mommy can't wait to meet you in July <3

january 31st: part four

I wrote this on October 1st, 2010...

"its been a week and a day since the most devastating world wind of my life... and that may sound overly dramatic to some, but to me it is a complete and total understatement.

about a year and eight months ago I was just 20 years old and I was standing at the alter in my long white dress vowing my heart to my soul mate forever, and he was doing the same. Not a relationship free from complications, but one full of passion, pain, and most importantly love.

in these past days I have watched my marriage dissolve, leaving me feeling scared, alone, and broken. my whole life uprooted and turn upside down. This past week has been thee hardest week of my life. Feeling the most pain I've ever experienced as if i was mourning a death. Not only having to deal with betrayal from my partner and separation from my partner, but also the stress of quitting my job, leaving everything behind, moving back in with my parents and adjusting to everything in my life no longer looking the same."

...I wrote that over 5 months ago and here we are.

January 31st just happened to be our 2yr wedding anniversary.
how bitter sweet.

Bitter, because of all the damage surrounding us
Sweet, because we stood there in it, reunited, ready to pick up the pieces.... together.

Happy Anniversary.

Today, almost 2 months later, we are healing the broken places.
Thee most gut-wrenching, beautifully painful, terrifying soul renewal I've ever endured.

Never been so weak
and so strong.
Never been so scared
and so fearless.

I love him. I never stopped. My vows weren't in vain. For better or for worse we are husband and wife. We can't change whats happened in the past but we can take control of the future. I don't need the world to understand us... we've been misunderstood our whole lives.

So slip that ring back on and let everybody know our story ain't over just yet.

stay tuned.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

january 31st: part three

I could literally hear him breaking inside.
... the way he sobbed broke the remnants of heart I had left.

I broke.
he broke.
the mess we made was staring us in the face.

I let everything out.
I told on my new friend
I told him what she had done to me
how she wouldn't let me eat
how sick she was making me.
how she was breaking me down to nothing.

He saw me. He saw clearer than anyone had ever seen me.
I knew how ugly the picture must've been .
so I prepared myself for our visit to end soon

... until I heard the next words out of his mouth.

"I love you"

he wasn't done.

"I'll love this baby, because its coming from you."
he begged to be be apart of my life. I could see in his eyes how much he meant it.
and then he touched my belly...

"I love him already... this blessing"
It was almost as if my mistakes made it easier to see past his...
and that was the moment I let out the last tear of sadness for the night...
joy was my new reason for tears.

He kissed my tears. He held me. He rocked me. I didn't want this moment to ever end because my pain was paused for the first time in a long time.

even in this big mess we made for ourselves
he was still mine
I was still his
and I could breath.
and I could smile.

all the mistakes stopped staring at us for that moment, only love was there.

we got it back.
we got it all back.

journey to healing...

january 31st: part two

self destruction became my live in guest in your absence.
she claims I gave her permission, she says I even cleared a special place

... I wasn't aware.

It didn't matter, she had already made a home, there was no turning her away.

sometimes she would stay quiet long enough for me to hear my thoughts but you always seemed to consume my thoughts... leaving me no choice but to invite her to dance... to seduce me... to distract me

my sweet self destruction, my sweet new friend.

she made all my decisions, never consulting me.

she picked the men I fell in the arms of
she picked the strong drinks I ordered at the bars
she picked the hidden places I could cry where no one could hear

the worst part about my new friend is that she had the deadly power of invisibility to the naked eye
my friends could not see her
my family only sensed her when she was near.


she was hidden
I was hidden
I was hurting
nobody could see

I had a secret. He should only hear from me.
looking in his eyes to release these words was not an option so I stared into space and forced the words from my lips as quickly as they would allow

He wanted to take me to New York in July to live.
He wanted to help make my dreams come true.



looking away I let the words fall out.

"You're moving to New York in July... I'm having a baby in July
......... its not yours"

I never heard a man cry that hard in my life. I thought I killed him then and there.

breathing became impossible.