There are so many unanswered questions that I have never felt the liberty to ask...until now. I suppose when something is spoon-fed to you from the beginning you never stop to ask "what is this?” Instead I have built my life on it with silent doubt- never audible questions. I don’t suppose it was fear that kept my lips together- or perhaps it was. Fear of the answer- more than that- fear of the question floating in the air remaining unanswered- which would be the worst answer of all. There is a mental deprogramming going on inside my head and I have just completed phase one: realization of flaws in my current mental program. SHOCK. If you sense any bit of sarcasm in that statement you couldn’t be more wrong. When something that is so much a part of who I am- something as serious as faith- is challenged internally- that is nothing short of a shock to the system. As I think about what I have always believed verses what I know in my heart to be true, I find the two to be unbalanced. A wise person once told me that asking why is not the same as saying no. That same person expressed to me (with great passion) that if our entire faith could be nullified by the answers of questions or the asking of questions when it wasn’t much of a faith to begin with. Those words have stayed with me since that night. Today I have a new found liberty to simply ask. Presenting the matters of my faith that I have not yet come to understand to God. And not just in a logical way, but in a real way- a way that my heart (not mind) will understand. My sister once said that logic is the cage that fearful people lock their minds in. And as we all know fear is the opposite of love- and God is love. So through all the questions and all the answers- there is one thing that my heart has understood for a while now- and that is God loves me. He loved me before I loved him back. He loves me when I break his heart. He loves unconditionally beyond my comprehension.
Show me your heart Lord- there I find truth.