it happens from time to time when i look down at my belly and think of my son.
This morning I finally realized what it was...
that ugly shooting pain in your spirit called guilt.
thinking about the way I allowed him to be conceived.
... how I am not and never was in love with his father.
that shit weighs on me from time to time
i beat myself up for being so irresponsible
I hate feeling like I failed the kid before he even makes it out of the womb.
Most days I do my best to push those thoughts out of my head.
If I don't they will consume me.
I have give up on wasting any energy on wishing I could change the past.
I have to stop torturing myself
I have to starting loving myself unconditionally
I have to be in a constant mode of gratitude for my life and the life inside me
the truth is I'm madly in love with my son.
I know the day we meet will be one of the best days of my life.
Every time I feel him kick I get this feeling that's indescribable.
I forgive myself, to free myself to love my son the way he deserves
... my sweet baby boy