Monday, April 11, 2011

freeing myself

sometimes i get this tight feeling in my chest
...this anxiety.

it happens from time to time when i look down at my belly and think of my son.

This morning I finally realized what it was...
that ugly shooting pain in your spirit called guilt.

thinking about the way I allowed him to be conceived.
... how I am not and never was in love with his father.

that shit weighs on me from time to time
i beat myself up for being so irresponsible

I hate feeling like I failed the kid before he even makes it out of the womb.

Most days I do my best to push those thoughts out of my head.
If I don't they will consume me.

I have give up on wasting any energy on wishing I could change the past.
I have to stop torturing myself
I have to starting loving myself unconditionally
I have to be in a constant mode of gratitude for my life and the life inside me

the truth is I'm madly in love with my son.
I know the day we meet will be one of the best days of my life.
Every time I feel him kick I get this feeling that's indescribable.

I forgive myself, to free myself to love my son the way he deserves

... my sweet baby boy


  1. You are gorgeous. You are beautiful. And you are intelligent. You are sweet. You are amazing.

  2. talk about a confidence boost :) thank you, seriously... your words greatly appreciated

  3. I have been where you are now. Know this: regardless of how confused, uncertain, guilty, ashamed, or any other number of indescribable feelings or emotions you may have, the moment you see your son the clouds will roll back and you will have perfect clarity. You are everything your child deserves and more. Though I was not aware at the time of his conception, my son is the greatest thing to ever happen to me. Therefore, smile in knowing you are not alone. Believe, and be empowered.


  4. "Believe and be empowered"... my new mantra