Wednesday, July 22, 2009

confessions of a negative nancy

I am in a place in my life that I have never been in before. I feel like a-stay-at-home mom without the kids. I wake up with John. I lay in the bed while watch him get ready for work. We aren’t big on chatting it up in the morning, so I might make sure he has his iPod or something, then I kiss him at the door and say bye and tell him I love him. Lock it, chain it. This tends to be our 10 min. morning routine. He leaves for work and I turn around and think, "now what?"
This is how it’s been since we no longer have a dependable car to get me out to my job, that’s 30 minutes away from our place. My husband's job isn’t too far, so sometimes he pushes our olds mobile (she's gonna die any minute) or he just carpools with a friend. My only job now is modeling for Bustown Modern and being wifey. It’s so strange. I am left with so much free time and I spend most of it alone, with no car and very little money, if any. The reason I don’t just get a job near our place in the mean time, is because we kept thinking our car will be fixed any minute now and I can just go back to Abercrombie Home Office....well...we thought that all up until yesterday when we found out the engine was shot....Bad news. Plan screwed.

Actually, our summer is not going at all how we planned it. I never thought... I would find myself in this little cage of an apartment day after day. The thing is, I am naturally somewhat of a loner. I don’t mind being by myself, at times, I actually prefer it. It’s the Virgo in me. I simply enjoy myself. I enjoy writing by myself, and painting by myself, and thinking by myself. But I have had an overload of alone time this summer. I've found myself uninspired to do most anything. Paint, write, sketch, nothing. My outlook became so negative. I just felt like I was locked up in my cage until John came home to give me some air. Sitting home, while he works 40 hours a week, had me feeling like a bum. A negative, uninspired, bum. Each day that passed I felt completely unproductive and super depressed. I kept thinking, I could have had the rough draft of my children’s book done by now with all this time on my hands. But nope, nothing. The only thing I can say is I have been on my A-game when it comes to modeling. That’s been my main motivating force. Knowing that soon, we won’t be here. That’s its only a matter of time, before we get it together and we are watching our dreams come true. We are struggling, yes, but our dreams are still so tangible. I still feel that we are closer than we even realize. We are struggling, so we are strengthened when our lives make that drastic turn.

This is why I thank God for the man He gave me. Because he has the ability to see through me. My husband knows my heart. He can pray for me, he can hold me; he can be strong for me. But all in the same breath he can call me out! He tells me the straight up truth, even when I don’t want to hear it. We were talking on the phone and he said, "Stop being so negative, and STOP really just need to stop, you have a great life."

I was in the middle of pity party so that hit kinda hard... I got real silent... and ended the conversation so I could get off the phone. I wanted to continue my pity party alone, since obviously he would be of no assistance. He was intent on breaking it up. So I tried. I tried to sit there and sulk. I thought about how I miss my car, and my job. I thought about how I hate the bus, and all the men on the bus that insist on evading my personal space (yes, it happens a lot). I thought about how lonely I was and how I missed my best friends and my family. I thought about our plans to save money, so we would be able to move to Chicago, and how off track everything was. I loaded my mind with every bad thing that was going on until all I wanted to do was go to sleep so I would stop thinking. But I couldn't get John's voice out of my head!!

Damn. He was right. Again. So check this out... let’s go down the list of positives in my life...

1. God...enough said.

2. John Marshall Collins... he loves me. Real talk.
3. My family... we are close, only phones call away.
4. Food... I eat very well :)
5. A roof, and a bed

...this list could go on forever. Moral of the story: Whatever my situation looks like I will choose to be positive and grateful to be alive. I’m looking at this time as a blessing. A great opportunity to continue building my modeling portfolio, and a working on my book. I’m also learning to wait on God and have patience. And to live each day intentionally.


  1. God bless you Tondi!

    As it's said, "This too shall pass".

    I think it's normal to have moments when you are down on yourself.

    It only makes you stronger and makes you want to do better.

    Take the time to evaluate your life and take steps to do what is truly important to YOU!

    You are definitely blessed to have a supportive husband during this time and you are putting your thanks in the right place.

  2. i felt like this yesterday. i was disappointed in myself and in all the things i wanted to do and wasn't doing. but then i woke up and read the word and jared told me...tomorrow is a new day. and i'm thankful that we have another day to do the things we didn't yesterday, thank God!

  3. thanks for reading my words. thanks for the encouragment Kinky Rhonnie... and Im glad you feel where I was comming from Nina :)

  4. I love that you are always capable of finding the blessing in a negative situation. I may be older in age, but u truly surpass me in spiritual maturity. Lol. Love you, bestest! A dudu...

  5. well said. I like to have pity parties sometimes but I was around your age a few years ago when I realized that I could CHOOSE whether to be negative or not. Now, it didn't sink in for some time but doing the mental "being thankful" exercise always help.
    Don't be too hard on yourself. No one can be cheery all the time -- it's normal.

  6. you're right... thanks for that :)

  7. Girl, this was me at the SAME time last year!! YIKES!!! Hubby broke up m y pity party too...hahahahaha I got laid off from a job I didn't really like (but it was GREAT pay!) and was just sulking all of last year. You are so right...God is the first and foremost thing we have and need and we need to be patient on him. I am so glad I found this blog. Everything at the right time....