Monday, December 7, 2009

small chapter

Its been a minute- eh? I wish I was one of the people that writes ALL the time, but I'm not. I get the urge to write way more often than I actually do... I guess I should just stop resisting.... but um... yeah. A lots been going on. My thought bubble has been quite full lately. Basically, to put it simply, I've been fed up. I feel like I keep singing the same song- but its true. I am fed up. Fed up with this city, fed up with the monotony, fed up with being uninspired. I feel stuck. I always feel stuck. Lets downs seem to come at me left and right. Just the other day our car broke down again... and I immediately had a flash back of this past summer. In the spring our car broke down, engine locked up. Dead. Gone. Over. That led to me loosing my job. Its hard to transport myself from place to place with out transportation. Job over. That led to brokness. Bills barely getting paid, groceries barely in the house. Now it takes me forever to find a job, but finally get one. Then my dad decides to help us out and give us my little brothers car since he away at school and it's just sitting there. Thanks dad! Now we have a car again. Job- check. Car- check. Seems like our lives are getting back on track. A few weeks later, I get fired. Why? Still don't know the real reason... something about "bad work-match"... whatever that means. Unemployed again. But hey! I have a running car now, maybe I could get my old job back!... NOPE! My old boss said he cant depend on me, because of what happened when my car broke down and I couldn't get to work.... gee thanks. Back to back interviews, everyone says no. So we peace out. We go visit Chicago for a week. I figure there I can focus on what I really wanna do: model. I go visit Ford Modeling agency. They arnt interested. I go visit Elite Modeling Agency, then BMG Models... they both seem interested. So I bust my butt to send them pictures... and nothing. "No thank you. You are not what we are looking for at this time".... whatever. Story of my life. So here I am. I have three minimum wage jobs, technically four. I work in the mall, Shi by Journey's, Delias, and Hollister.... and I still do Bustown Modern once or twice a week. Then this past week the car breaks down. Here I am bumming rides, trying to hang on to my shitty jobs so we can pay these bills that don't seem to ever go away. I guess this is what being grown up is like. I find myself becoming resentful and negative. I hate that. That's not who I am. All I wanna do is travel with my husband. I want us to get out of here and see this world together before we look up and I'm pregnant, and we're thirty, and all we've ever seen is Ohio. I already feel like I'm too old to model at the level that I want. Just a little too old, hips a little too wide, and just little too short. Do I care? No. Because not trying is not an option. Am I afraid? No. I used to be, but now I'm too afraid to be afraid. It will keep me stagnant. I want to be that fearless, passionate, God-fearing woman I see in my head. I don't want to settle. But at the same time, I want to love the person I am today. I don't always know how to do that. Sometimes the standard I hold myself up to is so high and when I fail to reach it I mentally tear myself down and pick myself apart. Ugh! blah blah blah. I don't want this post to sound like my life completely sucks and I just feel sorry for myself. I just needed to vent. I want this blog to tell my story, the real story, not the sugar-coated version. Because I honestly feel like there will be an amazing ending, and without the hard part the ending just wouldn't be as good. This is just a small chapter in my life. But stay tuned, I know it gets better...

5 comments:

  1. Life sucks every now and then... Your very lucky to have a passion for something like modeling. Funny because I honestly don't have a strong passion for anything but love lots of things and consider myself creative. I would be happy to find myself pregnant ;) I'd just wonder how it happened lol.
    Try to spnd more time with your most creative and inspiring friends. Losing a job is a GREAT excuse to travel (charge it) and you can stay in LA for free!!! I'll even feed you and John, may be top raman but whateve...
    ~April

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  2. Im sure L.A. raman taste waaay better than Ohio raman lol and free sounds good! We seriously may need to take you up on that! Then you can experience the joy of having an annoying little sister... and I promise to be extra annoying so you can have an authentic experince lol...juuust kidding. Seriously though, thanks for the offer :)

    It seems like you have a passion for experiences. You've done so many things, and mastered them. Most people find one thing they can half way tolerate and do that until they die... thats pretty lame. lol

    And I wouldn't be mad if my eggo got prego, I'd be pretty excited actually. It would just change all our plans and it would complicate things. But of course it would still be a HUGE blessing. I like the idea of being someones mom. It would be cool. It would be cool to have another neice or nephew too *wink*wink* lol

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  3. Hi I just discovered your blog a few days ago"well..a few weeks"lol And i have to say you are a unique beautiful person inside and out.
    I can say as well that I have been experienciing some similar ups and downs.I feel like I want do as much as I can ,accomplish as much as I can while ,as long as I can take a breathe of air every day.But my situation I feel like theres no hope.A door shuts one after the other.I wanted to scream GodDammit.Why the hell is this happening?!.My car is dead,lost contact with peeps,lost my job.No one to offer me any help except my mom since shes in the same situation.But one day I came to a realization that this is not my ultimate fate,its just not for me.And things will turn out to be for beyond the better the Best!Just keep the faith.Even though you may be tested every day.
    I can you see you in Vogue soon

    P.S. Oh and Screw!those two modeling agencies.They lost a good one

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  4. Dear My Bestest Friend In The Entire World,

    I completely disagree, my love. You are the most passionate, driven, and fearless woman that I have ever met. You actually do the things that I only dream of in my mind. Right now you a just going through a slump of situations. You have an incredible life with a kick-a** family, an amazing husband, looks that many aspiring models would KILL for, the artistic talent of a GENIUS, and a best friend who loves you to pieces!!!

    But I do feel ya cuz this summer I lost my job and couldnt even pay my bills. Ya know how it feels to have to go to people for money? Its CRAPPY! But, you then learn to depend on God becuz unlike a job, people, or a car he will NEVER disappoint you.

    I love you soooo much, and the best is yet to come!!! A Dudu!!!

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  5. 這麼好的部落格,以後看不到怎麼辦啊!!!........................................

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