the darkness

i dont want to make friends with this darkness because I know it is not here to stay.
but, the darkness is in fact here.

i do not fear for the future, i fear for this moment I am in.

I see the road ahead of me is not easy but it's bright... so if i ever escape this moment, there is where I would like to be.

2010 is coming to a close. it won't be missed.
2011 is fast approaching. it will change everything.

As much as I want to spill everything out on these pages, I can't do so at this moment.
Just know, my life has been changed drastically.
Nothing will ever be the same.

i dedicate this post to anonymous

"Please, never stop sharing" - anonymous

Someone, i don't know who, wrote this to me... and i heard them... and i thank them.

I have purposely neglected this blog. I was done. Nobody wants to hear my rants. Nobody needs to know my business. Nobody really even cares.

then i saw the comment from anonymous

I thought about why I started this blog. I looked back to my verry first post: "truth is golden"

...then i remembered...

This is my space. This is where I can hear myself think. This is where I can document my dreams and my life and everyone can watch everything unfold.

There is great purpose in my life. There is great purpose in my pain, and my joy, and my disappointments. My dreams WILL BE my reality and I would be doing the world a disservice if I kept it to myself.

watch me rise.

a few thoughts

im at peace...
never thought I would feel that again.
i meditate a lot these days
...which is funny because I used to mock people who were in to meditation...
i feel im surrounded by a lot of people who wouldn't understand my spiritual journey if i tried to explain it.
so i dont.
i dont want it tainted by close-minded opinions.
...im more connected to myself than I have ever been in my life.

i feel really thankful
... for everything
good and bad

im learning how to breath again.

I promise.

its been a week and a day since the most devastating world wind of my life... and that may sound overly dramatic to some, but to me it is a complete and total understatement.

about a year and eight months ago I was just 20 years old and I was standing at the alter in my long white dress vowing my heart to my soul mate forever, and he was doing the same. Not a relationship free from complications, but one full of passion, pain, and most importantly love.

in these past days I have watched my marriage dissolve, leaving me feeling scared, alone, and broken. my whole life uprooted and turn upside down. This past week has been thee hardest week of my life. Feeling the most pain I've ever experienced as if i was mourning a death. Not only having to deal with betrayal from my partner and separation from my partner, but also the stress of quitting my job, leaving everything behind, moving back in with my parents and adjusting to everything in my life no longer looking the same.

This caused me great devastation.

Panic attack after panic attack.

Loss of appetite

and just the constant battle with depression... the kind where all u want to do is sleep in the dark. wake up and cry until you cry yourself back to sleep... in the dark.

And the midst of it all... this loss of my love... I've never felt so loved by so many. People I least expected. The messages, the texts, the voice mails, the phone calls... everyone sending out love and sending up prayers. Helping strengthen me everyday when I feel that darkness taking over.

With all that love, one can't stay depressed forever. But with that said, the only thing people keep saying that is somewhat difficult to hear is,

"Tondi, you know you have to forgive him, not for him, but for you..."

I've struggled with that so much! Because on one hand, I hate him for causing me all this pain and abandoning me, and on the other hand, I love him and miss him so much.

And what's even harder is that I know we will always love each other. But I also know that's its over. It has to be over.

But anyways... back to forgiveness...

I've been reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert... and me, I'm a really slow reader so yesterday I finally got to the part about prayer (the middle section of the book). In this section the author travels to India to get a deeper understanding of devotion.

This woman is recently divorced (how appropriate :-/) and she is expressing the pain of loosing a soul mate to a friend... this is what her friend tells her...

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is mirror, the person that shows you everything that's holding you back, the person that brings you to your own attention so that you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is you just can't let this one go. His purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that marriage you need to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life. That was his job, and he did great, but now its over"

he goes on to say,

"Problem is, you can't accept that this relationship had a real short shelf life. You're like a dog at a dump, - you're just licking at an empty tin can, trying to get more nutrition out of it. And if you're not careful, that can's gonna get stuck on your snout forever and make your life miserable. So drop it.

"... You're just afraid to let go of those last bits of him because then you'll really be alone... but here's what you gotta understand, If you clear out all that space in your mind that you're using to obsess over him, you'll have a vacuum there. an open spot- a door way. And guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in- God will rush in- and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using that guy to block that door. Let it go."

Those were thee most profound words I've heard all week. And they have changed my perspective on this whole situation.

Am i healed? Not all the way.

Is my heart still broken? Yes... but somehow its still beating. And when I step back and gain some perspective (the little perspective I can gain at this very moment) I see that my husband served his purpose in my life. A very very important and impactful purpose. And I believe I did the same for him. We just thought it would be forever and it didn't turn out that way. But at 22 I'm learning that things just don't always turn out the way you plan them but that's okay.

And to John, I love you, I thank you, I forgive you, and I release you.

And to myself, I love you, I forgive you, and I promise to learn you in a deeper way.

I promise to never loose you. I promise to not be afraid of who you are apart from a man, or anyone. And I promise to never reject you but love and embrace you more and more every day.

powerless

ugh. im never making a video again. i hate the sound of my own voice. its fucking weird.

anyways.

here i am. its night time. i would normally be knocked out cold but I fell asleep when i got home from work and now im wide awake. mind racing, as usual.

...i want to describe my mental space in a way that make sense to someone other than myself.

...hmm. where do i begin?...

i guess i feel weird, lost, and confused. but at the same time i feel that I am just where I need to be.

... doesnt that make any sense?

If you are close to me (which few people are) you know that I am extremely hard on myself. somewhat mentally self destructive.

I have no real concept of what other people see when they look at me, all i know is what I see.

I see a coward.

As hard as that was to say aloud, let alone type... its real.

...and you know what im most afraid of??

me.

Im afriad of who I really am at my core. Im afraid that the image of myself that I want will never be achieved.

...but then I guess thats just me being completely oblivious to the power i possess to be, create, and evolve into whatever I choose.

but its so easy to look around and feel powerless...

u know?

change is refreshing

I wish humans didn't need sleep to survive. there is so much I could do with those 6hours of sleep I use up every night.

O well. Its morning now and I will be off to work with in the hour.

I'm up listening to vampire weekend and drinking tea with a white fluffy puppy on my lap... me thinks this is a great start to my day ;)

It seems like its been decades since my last post. my apologies. so much has changed. so much has happened. so fast.

grandma Jane passed away.

the amazing woman that raised my husband from age 9 is no longer with us. and no, it still doesn't seem real. we miss her. our world isn't the same. but i can say I'm so grateful for the life she lived. i admire the strength she had. and i am so thankful that she raised my husband with all the love he needed. i know she is finally resting in peace. we love her. always.

after she passed we left Columbus, OH. we left a lot behind and decided to get a fresh start in Cincinnati. So here we are. we have our own place again. new jobs. new everything. and honestly, the change is refreshing. we needed it.

That's our new home. We really missed having our own space...no furniture yet... but its cool, we don't mind ruffin' it

;)

fashion post

“Fashion is not something that exists in dresses only. Fashion is in the sky, in the street, fashion has to do with ideas, the way we live, what is happening.” - Coco Chanel
Her Thought Bubble. blogspot is missing ONE thing

FASHION

its missing MY personal take
MY personal style
MY voice

Soooo this must be changed! Right?

I have been incredibly inspired by blogs like...

http://hairspiration.blogspot.com/
http://thequirkystylista.blogspot.com/
http://chikfashioneuphoria.blogspot.com/
http://www.dulcecandy.com/

so if fashion is a passion of yours like it is for me make sure you check out those blogs and be on the look out for more fashion post from yours truly

later ;)

a shot from lipgloss mag

i love you

Sooo a few weeks back I was in Cleveland having dinner with my family at Olive Garden. Out of nowhere my dad ask a question that you could tell had been pressing on his mind. He posed this question to all of his kids, "where are yall with the Lord?"

I laughed.

I dont know why it seemed like such a bizarre question, but it did. I didn't exactly know how to answer him, so as my sister began to speak I thought of what I wanted to say. I thought about the truth.

You have to understand that grew up in a very christian home. Both parents are ministers and pastored a church of about 250 members for the majority of my existence. Needless to say I saw and experience a lot in the church. There's always a certain disappointment in my mom's tone when she makes mention of the fact that none of her children go to church since we've all left the nest.

But I believe we all have our reasons.

When my sister finished responding to my dad, he then turned his attention to me. Asked the question again, and I felt the heat of the spot light. I looked at him and began to answer as truthfully as I knew how.

Unfortunately we didnt get a chance to finish that conversation that day, because dinner was over and we needed to leave the restaurant. But I do believe he heard what I did get a chance to say and I really hope we get to continue our discussion soon.

But I opened with this,

"I never got a chance to choose Christianity for myself. I was born into a christian home and that was it"

Its true. Some people have stories where they searched and searched for something to believe in and then they discovered Christianity. They had that "ah ha!" moment.

Yea... never had that moment and I don't now that I ever will. Right now, I'm in process of understanding what it is i really believe. I don't claim to know that meaning of life, or where we go when we die, or any of those hard hitting questions we all ask ourselves. But I am open to having a deeper understanding of myself and the world around me. I am open to evolving mentally, physically, and spiritually. I'm not afraid to ask questions or have doubts...and more importantly I'm not afraid of not knowing. Simply saying, "I don't know"


With that being said, I hope to not offend my loved ones who are devout in there faith. Because one thing I DO know is that love is the most powerful force in the universe.

And

I

love

you.

AHHH!!! SO MUCH is going on!!! I dont even know where to begin!!! We need to get the freaking Internet in our new place so I can actually keep my precious baby blog updated!!

... I guess I should start with good news... ready? Okay... I got a promotion!!! YAY!!! Assistant manager at Shi by Journey's, full time, benefits... a real "grown up" job lol Im excited. At first I was low key nervous because Ive seen people in managerial positions with the company who are absolutely miserable being there... but then I realized this experience, just like any experience, will be what I make it. So Im choosing to make it a positive one, and I am really excited to start :) Making more money will put us closer to our savings goal which will only speed up the whole moving process. This is good.

I also found out a while ago that Americas Next Top Model is casting here in Columbus on April 8th. I decided to go try. I was never interested before because the whole "reality tv" idea turned me off. But now, for some reason Im interested... really interested. So wish me luck! :)

I have deeper things to express about whats going on in my life, but my mind isnt there right now so Im just gonna leave it right here for now....

Much love to all of you <3

im homeless

Tears were flowing at about about a gallon a second and it was in that moment that I was really thankful i saved the Wendy's napkins from lunch so I could blow my nose. Sobbing as the waste basket by my bed continues to fill with snotty yellow napkins. This wasn't how I pictured my night going when I woke up this morning...

...then again waking up wasn't exactly an easy task in itself.

Its been quite a while since my last post, and a lot has changed.For starters, everything around me. According to plan we moved out of our apartment earlier this month and in with John's family (a.k.a. the mad house). Unfortunately, this "mad house" seems to be our best option. At this point we are in a position where are expenses are minimal so are savings can expand,and we can relocated and avoid starvation and homelessness in the process. But with these sacrifices being made I still feel homeless in a way, because this place is soo far from my definition of home. I wish I could explain what its like here with out possibly offending someone who might read these words in the future. But I can't. So I won't.

But I will say, if you're imagining some type of third layer of hell scenario you can definitely scale it back a bit. Its not that bad, it's just not that good. I'm just trying to adjust to being completely out of my element... find my world again in this foreign place. I guess I just let all the negativity get to me. I try to cling on to my positive thoughts for dear life and sometimes it just feels like the littlest things come to snatch them away. Like bickering with my husband for instance. The smallest rift tears me apart. He's my only sense of home, my only sense of security. Its when we let the little thing get between us, that's when I feel homeless. Like a nomad.

BUT, its only been two weeks. I'm still adjusting, finding my groove, my peace of mind. I can make this a positive experience or I make this my prison, I know its my choice.

It's MY choice.

creatively scatterbrained

Im so creatively scatterbrained. So many ideas in my head. So many started projects. So much creativity and so little completion. I think this is why Im always a little wacky. I need to shut out the world for like a week, be alone with my ideas, and bring them to life......

On second thought. No. That might be somewhat dangerous. Maybe just a couple of days, MAYBE. I can't be alone with my thoughts for that long. My husband knows. Its not healthy for a loner to be alone too much. I sink deep inside myself and forget how to function socially. Its all bad.

But anyways like I was saying... things need to get done. These things include: writing for for the book, the short story im working on, my face mesh painting, fashion illustrations all over the place.... and ummm.... I think thats it? yeah. I think thats it.

I have to get this apartment clean before I do anything. I can't think amongst mess.

Ill leave you with some sketches of Seth. He's the second character in my children's book. Seth is nine. He's Jondi's best friend and next door neighbor. He comes from a Jewish background. His two loves: music and academics. He's a little dorky, kind of a mamas boy, somewhat timid.... but he always finds himself in some kind of trouble with Jondi....

Its been a minute... u remember Jondi?

Thats her.

shattered illusions

I find it amazing that I spend so much time worrying that people may think bad things about me when in reality there ARE bad things about me... there are a lot of good things too... but why would I rather let people cling to an illusion that everything is all good and later be disappointed when they find that I, am in fact a flawed human. I am beautiful, but flawed nonetheless. For this reason I resolve to stop trying to filter my flaws before I present myself to the world.
This is me.... selfish, insecure, loving, passionate, strong, weak- ME.

I just can't help it...

My husband and I made one new years resolution. Just one. Here it is....
no bull shit.

Simple right?

Anything in our lives that doesn't bring us peace will either be changed or removed completely.

This excites me. This puts us on a whole other level of honesty. Not just with each other, but with in ourselves about the things we allow to steal our peace.

For me its fear, worry, and doubt. Three things that can paralyze you mentally, spiritually, and physically if you allow them to stick around. So my goal is to dispel all three. While I shatter illusions of a perfect me, and let go of the fear I am happy with who I am and where I am right now in this moment.

Love. it.

switch it up

Its been a minute so I thought Id switch it up ;)