powerless

ugh. im never making a video again. i hate the sound of my own voice. its fucking weird.

anyways.

here i am. its night time. i would normally be knocked out cold but I fell asleep when i got home from work and now im wide awake. mind racing, as usual.

...i want to describe my mental space in a way that make sense to someone other than myself.

...hmm. where do i begin?...

i guess i feel weird, lost, and confused. but at the same time i feel that I am just where I need to be.

... doesnt that make any sense?

If you are close to me (which few people are) you know that I am extremely hard on myself. somewhat mentally self destructive.

I have no real concept of what other people see when they look at me, all i know is what I see.

I see a coward.

As hard as that was to say aloud, let alone type... its real.

...and you know what im most afraid of??

me.

Im afriad of who I really am at my core. Im afraid that the image of myself that I want will never be achieved.

...but then I guess thats just me being completely oblivious to the power i possess to be, create, and evolve into whatever I choose.

but its so easy to look around and feel powerless...

u know?