january 31st: part three

I could literally hear him breaking inside.

... the way he sobbed broke the remnants of heart I had left.

I broke.

he broke.

the mess we made was staring us in the face.

I let everything out.

I told on my new friend

I told him what she had done to me

how she wouldn't let me eat

how sick she was making me.

how she was breaking me down to nothing.

He saw me. He saw clearer than anyone had ever seen me.

I knew how ugly the picture must've been .

so I prepared myself for our visit to end soon

... until I heard the next words out of his mouth.

"I love you"

he wasn't done.

"I'll love this baby, because its coming from you."

he begged to be be apart of my life. I could see in his eyes how much he meant it.

and then he touched my belly...

"I love him already... this blessing"

It was almost as if my mistakes made it easier to see past his...

and that was the moment I let out the last tear of sadness for the night...

joy was my new reason for tears.

He kissed my tears. He held me. He rocked me. I didn't want this moment to ever end because my pain was paused for the first time in a long time.

even in this big mess we made for ourselves

he was still mine

I was still his

and I could breath.

and I could smile.

all the mistakes stopped staring at us for that moment, only love was there.

we got it back.

we got it all back.

journey to healing...

january 31st: part two

self destruction became my live in guest in your absence.

she claims I gave her permission, she says I even cleared a special place

... I wasn't aware.

It didn't matter, she had already made a home, there was no turning her away.

sometimes she would stay quiet long enough for me to hear my thoughts but you always seemed to consume my thoughts... leaving me no choice but to invite her to dance... to seduce me... to distract me

my sweet self destruction, my sweet new friend.

she made all my decisions, never consulting me.

she picked the men I fell in the arms of

she picked the strong drinks I ordered at the bars

she picked the hidden places I could cry where no one could hear

the worst part about my new friend is that she had the deadly power of invisibility to the naked eye

my friends could not see her

my family only sensed her when she was near.

blind.

she was hidden

I was hidden

I was hurting

nobody could see

I had a secret. He should only hear from me.

looking in his eyes to release these words was not an option so I stared into space and forced the words from my lips as quickly as they would allow

He wanted to take me to New York in July to live.

He wanted to help make my dreams come true.

July.

July...

looking away I let the words fall out.

"You're moving to New York in July... I'm having a baby in July

......... its not yours"

I never heard a man cry that hard in my life. I thought I killed him then and there.

breathing became impossible.

january 31st: part one

I saw him approaching my car.

I had to remind myself to tell my brain to tell my body to breath.

With every step he made my breaths got shorter.

I'm nervous.

He's here. He's in the car next to me now.

I can't look at him but I can't look away.

I attempt both.

I must look crazy.

"Can I get a hug?" he says.

...we embrace.

It was the quickest and longest hug of my life.

My tears roll down his back, his tears ran down mine

and in that second our souls came back to our bodies.

they had been gone so long.

I sat there exposed, the way I had always been with him.

the way I had never been with anyone else.

my best friend.

he was the only one that ever really saw me, and I only I saw him.

he told me his life story from the time he left my world to the present moment.

I sat, I listened. This man had a whole other life that didn't include me.

New friends, new job, new home, new life.

He looked different, yet nothing beyond his eyes had changed.

...they still read "I Love you"... just like they always had.

The very thing that made me hesitant to agree to this meeting.

I knew my eyes would read the same.

This ring-less man was my husband

and me, his ring-less wife had a secret to share.

deep breath.

or else... why live?

which was the illusion? the love I felt or the indifference i feel now?

not sure which one to wish for.

such tragedy in both

this indifference is just protection.

what kind of way is that to live?

my ignorance is so terrifying but incredibly blissful at the same time

however, there is a bigger tragedy.

the uninspired artist who inspires no one

i believe there in lies the real reason for my tears

not because I'm broken

but because no real beauty has come of it

at least none I've seen

still, I let the tears dry up

because I know it's coming

it has to

or else

why live?

the darkness

i dont want to make friends with this darkness because I know it is not here to stay.
but, the darkness is in fact here.

i do not fear for the future, i fear for this moment I am in.

I see the road ahead of me is not easy but it's bright... so if i ever escape this moment, there is where I would like to be.

2010 is coming to a close. it won't be missed.
2011 is fast approaching. it will change everything.

As much as I want to spill everything out on these pages, I can't do so at this moment.
Just know, my life has been changed drastically.
Nothing will ever be the same.

i dedicate this post to anonymous

"Please, never stop sharing" - anonymous

Someone, i don't know who, wrote this to me... and i heard them... and i thank them.

I have purposely neglected this blog. I was done. Nobody wants to hear my rants. Nobody needs to know my business. Nobody really even cares.

then i saw the comment from anonymous

I thought about why I started this blog. I looked back to my verry first post: "truth is golden"

...then i remembered...

This is my space. This is where I can hear myself think. This is where I can document my dreams and my life and everyone can watch everything unfold.

There is great purpose in my life. There is great purpose in my pain, and my joy, and my disappointments. My dreams WILL BE my reality and I would be doing the world a disservice if I kept it to myself.

watch me rise.