wow

life is funny

What will be the brightest thing in my life was conceived in the darkest time of my life...life is funny that way.

Me at 7 months

shot by Shannon Williams

make up by Erica Stewart

freeing myself

sometimes i get this tight feeling in my chest

...this anxiety.

it happens from time to time when i look down at my belly and think of my son.

This morning I finally realized what it was...

that ugly shooting pain in your spirit called guilt.

thinking about the way I allowed him to be conceived.

... how I am not and never was in love with his father.

that shit weighs on me from time to time

i beat myself up for being so irresponsible

I hate feeling like I failed the kid before he even makes it out of the womb.

Most days I do my best to push those thoughts out of my head.

If I don't they will consume me.

I have give up on wasting any energy on wishing I could change the past.

I have to stop torturing myself

I have to starting loving myself unconditionally

I have to be in a constant mode of gratitude for my life and the life inside me

the truth is I'm madly in love with my son.

I know the day we meet will be one of the best days of my life.

Every time I feel him kick I get this feeling that's indescribable.

I forgive myself, to free myself to love my son the way he deserves

... my sweet baby boy

my little baby bump

Oneday I woke up and there was a small basketball under my shirt... go figure.

Kyle Kingston

My beautiful baby boy, Kyle Mekhi

...mommy can't wait to meet you in July <3

january 31st: part four

I wrote this on October 1st, 2010...

"its been a week and a day since the most devastating world wind of my life... and that may sound overly dramatic to some, but to me it is a complete and total understatement.

about a year and eight months ago I was just 20 years old and I was standing at the alter in my long white dress vowing my heart to my soul mate forever, and he was doing the same. Not a relationship free from complications, but one full of passion, pain, and most importantly love.

in these past days I have watched my marriage dissolve, leaving me feeling scared, alone, and broken. my whole life uprooted and turn upside down. This past week has been thee hardest week of my life. Feeling the most pain I've ever experienced as if i was mourning a death. Not only having to deal with betrayal from my partner and separation from my partner, but also the stress of quitting my job, leaving everything behind, moving back in with my parents and adjusting to everything in my life no longer looking the same."

...I wrote that over 5 months ago and here we are.

January 31st just happened to be our 2yr wedding anniversary.

how bitter sweet.

Bitter, because of all the damage surrounding us

Sweet, because we stood there in it, reunited, ready to pick up the pieces.... together.

Happy Anniversary.

Today, almost 2 months later, we are healing the broken places.

Thee most gut-wrenching, beautifully painful, terrifying soul renewal I've ever endured.

Never been so weak

and so strong.

Never been so scared

and so fearless.

I love him. I never stopped. My vows weren't in vain. For better or for worse we are husband and wife. We can't change whats happened in the past but we can take control of the future. I don't need the world to understand us... we've been misunderstood our whole lives.

So slip that ring back on and let everybody know our story ain't over just yet.

stay tuned.