Friday, October 1, 2010

I promise.

its been a week and a day since the most devastating world wind of my life... and that may sound overly dramatic to some, but to me it is a complete and total understatement.

about a year and eight months ago I was just 20 years old and I was standing at the alter in my long white dress vowing my heart to my soul mate forever, and he was doing the same. Not a relationship free from complications, but one full of passion, pain, and most importantly love.

in these past days I have watched my marriage dissolve, leaving me feeling scared, alone, and broken. my whole life uprooted and turn upside down. This past week has been thee hardest week of my life. Feeling the most pain I've ever experienced as if i was mourning a death. Not only having to deal with betrayal from my partner and separation from my partner, but also the stress of quitting my job, leaving everything behind, moving back in with my parents and adjusting to everything in my life no longer looking the same.

This caused me great devastation.
Panic attack after panic attack.
Loss of appetite
and just the constant battle with depression... the kind where all u want to do is sleep in the dark. wake up and cry until you cry yourself back to sleep... in the dark.

And the midst of it all... this loss of my love... I've never felt so loved by so many. People I least expected. The messages, the texts, the voice mails, the phone calls... everyone sending out love and sending up prayers. Helping strengthen me everyday when I feel that darkness taking over.

With all that love, one can't stay depressed forever. But with that said, the only thing people keep saying that is somewhat difficult to hear is,

"Tondi, you know you have to forgive him, not for him, but for you..."

I've struggled with that so much! Because on one hand, I hate him for causing me all this pain and abandoning me, and on the other hand, I love him and miss him so much.

And what's even harder is that I know we will always love each other. But I also know that's its over. It has to be over.

But anyways... back to forgiveness...

I've been reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert... and me, I'm a really slow reader so yesterday I finally got to the part about prayer (the middle section of the book). In this section the author travels to India to get a deeper understanding of devotion.

This woman is recently divorced (how appropriate :-/) and she is expressing the pain of loosing a soul mate to a friend... this is what her friend tells her...

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is mirror, the person that shows you everything that's holding you back, the person that brings you to your own attention so that you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is you just can't let this one go. His purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that marriage you need to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life. That was his job, and he did great, but now its over"

he goes on to say,

"Problem is, you can't accept that this relationship had a real short shelf life. You're like a dog at a dump, - you're just licking at an empty tin can, trying to get more nutrition out of it. And if you're not careful, that can's gonna get stuck on your snout forever and make your life miserable. So drop it.

"... You're just afraid to let go of those last bits of him because then you'll really be alone... but here's what you gotta understand, If you clear out all that space in your mind that you're using to obsess over him, you'll have a vacuum there. an open spot- a door way. And guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in- God will rush in- and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using that guy to block that door. Let it go."

Those were thee most profound words I've heard all week. And they have changed my perspective on this whole situation.

Am i healed? Not all the way.
Is my heart still broken? Yes... but somehow its still beating. And when I step back and gain some perspective (the little perspective I can gain at this very moment) I see that my husband served his purpose in my life. A very very important and impactful purpose. And I believe I did the same for him. We just thought it would be forever and it didn't turn out that way. But at 22 I'm learning that things just don't always turn out the way you plan them but that's okay.

And to John, I love you, I thank you, I forgive you, and I release you.

And to myself, I love you, I forgive you, and I promise to learn you in a deeper way.

I promise to never loose you. I promise to not be afraid of who you are apart from a man, or anyone. And I promise to never reject you but love and embrace you more and more every day.

7 comments:

  1. TONDI, THIS MESSAGE WANTS TO MAKE ME JUST WHOLE U IN MY ARMS AND TELL U , U ARE LOVED AND READING THIS HELPS ME TO SEE THE GROWTH IN YOU. I WISH I WAS AS SMART AS U ARE AT 22. IT TOOK YEARS OF PAIN AND DELIVERANCE CLASSES TO GET ME THUR, AND I TOO MADE IT. I UNDERSTAND AND FEEL YOUR PAIN. JUST KNOW IT WILL BE MORNING SOON. AND THE JOY OF THE LORD GIVES US OUR STRENGHT.

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  2. You know one day i was on your page sometime last year in a deep depression ( so weird cause Im a nurse who works with depressed patients, but everyday i go to work i appreciate everything thats happened to me, now no matter what i stay happy) It took a while to get there. But back to what i was saying you introduce something very very VERY IMPORTANT in my life....The daily audio bible! You know what i listen to that every single day + pray. But for a couple of weeks I listened to Restored every sunday. One thing stuck out to me --Its better to live in the freedom of forgiveness then to be in bondage of bitterness!
    And dont ever give up on love because of this...Keep the faith,love and hope. Everyday when you wake up say to your self -I will have faith in...You already got the love yourself and God part down, and I will have hope in..
    I dont know you Tondi but for trying your best to make it I love ya girl.
    Keep that beautiful smile brighter than his light, no one can take that
    *hugs &happiness*
    x/S

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  3. Afro Queen,
    You are soooo strong and I know you will climb over this hurtle. You have been through a lot but it is not the Benediction to your life. You are more than a conqueror sweetie. Although the situation is drab an dreary you have hope for your future. You are a FIERCE (two snaps in T formation) model and woman! You inspire me in ways that you may not even realize!
    As Madea says (I know... who quotes Madea?!!.... I DO lol) Some people come in you life with the sole purpose of being a branch... they wither and die and FALL OFF with the change of the season. Then there are others that are Solid trees whose roots go deep into the soil an bring stability and strength. Become a tree hugger... rake up all those dead branches, put em in a bag an throw em out, and keep it movin (i hope i didnt confuse you with that...) It will be hard i know but God will carry you through it.
    I love you gurl and Im praying for you,
    Afro Queen #2 (antm Leah lol)

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  5. I'm not in the same situation...but I understand your pain because i'm struggling with a deep depression right now. The pain n crying i've been going through too...just think positive, surround yourself with people who love u, make u laugh, and lift you spirits. I Can tell ur a strong person by this post and I know you will get through this. The last paragraph you wrote really touched me..i'll be praying for you and I want u to keep us updated (blogging can be a good way to get ur emotions out n release stress). idk if u remember but on a later post I commented...im from columbus, ohio too n I hate this place. lol...I know you dont know me but if u ever need someone to talk to i'm here. I love ur blog n ur an amazing person.

    much love, ash

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  6. WOW THIS WAS TOO DEEP. I am fan of your blog. I wish you all of the best. You seem like a strong person and I am sure you will get through this.

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  7. am 2years too late but since i found your blog i think abotu you and pray for you...am sorry for your pain

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