he has this Loving way of being extremely persistant no matter how many times I say "nothings wrong" or "I don't want to talk about it" or "I'm just tired". He Loves me enough to see through my walls and he Loves me enough to hear beyond my words. He Loves me enough to simply Love me through whatever dark space I may be in. I honor that. One day he won't have to work so hard to crack me open.
Its night time. We're in bed. I see his eyes closing… aaaand in true Tondi fashion thats the time I decide I'm ready to talk…
I don't know. I'm a woman and I'm complicated. Don't ask.
But he is a man and he Loves me and he is ready to listen…
I begin, "I feel like I'm loosing myself. This mommy thing is so hard somedays. On the rare occasion that I actually find some time for myself I'm too exhausted to do anything with it. I feel like I'm loosing the part of me that I cherish the most, my creativity. I hate it. I hate feeling uninspired and unmotivated. I'm putting all of me into being a mommy and a wife and theres nothing left. I feel so depleted…"
He said, "I remember one time in an argument you yelled at me 'it must be nice to be so selfish' and babe you're right."
Sometimes you gotta be selfish.
Sometimes you gotta balance playing the role "the self-sacrifical mother" with the WOMAN who Loves and cares for herself, FIRST, so she can be of value when Loving and caring for others.
I'M JUST SAYING
Monday, July 21, 2014
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
my third year of motherhood...
Tomorrow marks my third year of motherhood. I'm trying to take my mind back to three years ago when the time came to push...
I couldn't help but wonder what would possess this child to make this journey.
I couldn't help but wonder why my son chose me.
I was lost. I was young. I was afraid.
But I was humbled by the fact that I was carrying this life.
The situational occurrences surrounding his conception was the hardest thing I've ever experienced in my journey thus far and that intern birthed the most beautiful thing I have experienced in my journey thus far.
Unconditional love
Freedom from fear
...forgiveness, just to name a few...
My whole world became a foreign land the moment he came into this world. Everything from my lifestyle to the curves in my body. Nothing was ever the same...
I remember the feeling of holding him for the first time and looking into his eyes... this tiny baby was staring right through me. I was exposed. But what put me at ease was the fact that he had my eyes.
I was so moved.
The fact is there are no words in the English language (or any other language for that matter) that come close to describing what it is like to hold your baby for the very first time. It forever changes you.
Kyle makes me crazy.
He is demanding, dramatic, and emotionally unstable.
Just
like
me.
He is convinced the universe revolves around him and him only.
He loves saying the word "no" but he hates hearing it.
He pushes me everyday to be simply be better because he exposes my weaknesses.
In these three short years he has managed to find and push every single one of my buttons and he's even created some new ones…
*deep breath*
… but Kyle keeps me sane.
sometimes when I'm holding him it really feels like he's the one holding me… keeping me together. Like he's the true teacher.
Sure, I provide shelter and food and I pass along the basic skills he needs- but what he teaches me is so much more important. He teaches me to fearlessly Love, and to be in the present moment, and to relish in the things that bring me joy no matter how small.
The way he Loves is so pure. The way he cares for and protects his baby brothers is so beautiful. The way he expresses himself so freely is admirable.
I am awe struck by him. As I understand him I understand me. And as I find harmony with-in, I also find harmony with him. He has shown me that I am stronger than I ever thought.
Three is a significant number for many people, some even see it as a sacred number I've noticed that number has seemed to follow me through out my life so I always try to take note when it pops up.
I sense Kyle's third year on the planet will be very pivotal for the both of us and I can't wait to see wait to see what it holds.
I am carrying such gratitude in my heart for Kyle's presence and so should anyone who is lucky enough to cross his path in this life.
I couldn't help but wonder what would possess this child to make this journey.
I couldn't help but wonder why my son chose me.
I was lost. I was young. I was afraid.
But I was humbled by the fact that I was carrying this life.
The situational occurrences surrounding his conception was the hardest thing I've ever experienced in my journey thus far and that intern birthed the most beautiful thing I have experienced in my journey thus far.
Unconditional love
Freedom from fear
...forgiveness, just to name a few...
My whole world became a foreign land the moment he came into this world. Everything from my lifestyle to the curves in my body. Nothing was ever the same...
I remember the feeling of holding him for the first time and looking into his eyes... this tiny baby was staring right through me. I was exposed. But what put me at ease was the fact that he had my eyes.
I was so moved.
The fact is there are no words in the English language (or any other language for that matter) that come close to describing what it is like to hold your baby for the very first time. It forever changes you.
Kyle makes me crazy.
He is demanding, dramatic, and emotionally unstable.
Just
like
me.
He is convinced the universe revolves around him and him only.
He loves saying the word "no" but he hates hearing it.
He pushes me everyday to be simply be better because he exposes my weaknesses.
In these three short years he has managed to find and push every single one of my buttons and he's even created some new ones…
*deep breath*
… but Kyle keeps me sane.
sometimes when I'm holding him it really feels like he's the one holding me… keeping me together. Like he's the true teacher.
Sure, I provide shelter and food and I pass along the basic skills he needs- but what he teaches me is so much more important. He teaches me to fearlessly Love, and to be in the present moment, and to relish in the things that bring me joy no matter how small.
The way he Loves is so pure. The way he cares for and protects his baby brothers is so beautiful. The way he expresses himself so freely is admirable.
I am awe struck by him. As I understand him I understand me. And as I find harmony with-in, I also find harmony with him. He has shown me that I am stronger than I ever thought.
Three is a significant number for many people, some even see it as a sacred number I've noticed that number has seemed to follow me through out my life so I always try to take note when it pops up.
I sense Kyle's third year on the planet will be very pivotal for the both of us and I can't wait to see wait to see what it holds.
I am carrying such gratitude in my heart for Kyle's presence and so should anyone who is lucky enough to cross his path in this life.
Happy Third Birthday baby boy :)
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