messy masterpiece

I'm totally cool with shattering illusions about myself. I'm so far from perfection and its way to exhausting to pretend like I have it all together. The truth is I'm a mess, just like you.

Yeah you.

I have this ridiculous need to prove I am enough. Usually I'm just trying to convince myself.

"Sometimes your worst enemy is in your own skin, sometimes it shares your face and claims to Love you. That hateful voice is not Love- I promise you. There will come a day when your fight is bigger than your fear, when you nearly claw your way out of your body to prove you exist- leave that skin for someone else and design your own wings. You are masterpiece, magnificent your glory. Have you seen her? "

 - Natalie Patterson

Sometimes your worst enemy is in your own skin. 

Can you relate? Have you ever felt that? Have you felt no matter what you try to accomplish in your day there is that voice in the background of your mind discouraging you at every turn, telling you that you aren't enough, pointing out all your flaws, reminding you of all your past mistakes? 

I think we all have those truths that we are afraid to say out loud. Those ugly truths that we tuck away, that cause us to hold guilt and shame. That keep us bound to this false idea of ourselves. Illusions.

Illusions we cling so tight to.

As of late I've been inclined to let that shit go. 

Its not always easy.

Tonight was rough.

Tonight was SO necessary.

Tonight I released. 

I feel lighter, tonight.

A Glimpse of God

I pushed God away.

Well maybe not God, as much as the word "god". That word, along with all the other words I heard spoken in vain as a young person growing up in the church. I no longer had any use for such words in my vernacular so I gifted myself with the freedom to walk away from that world and the language they spoke.

I used to go around singing my pastor's daughter's blues -in my immaturity I just wished my parents had regular jobs. However the fact of the matter was that they were far from regular.

Two exceptional people, my parents. They raised me to be who I am, they encouraged my talents, but most importantly they taught me to Love God.


So naturally, church was like a second home growing up.
Sometimes home is a place you feel a sense of belonging, other times it just a place you often find yourself.
I related to the latter.

Church was such a strange place, I felt that even in my full submersion so when I journied out my only request was to find real, tangible truth. Not new words, rituals, or doctrine

… I suppose I just really wanted God (for lack of a better word)

You have this all knowing, all powerful, divine entity.
Creator of the universe.
The embodiment of Love...
then you have the humans he created- beautiful, brilliant, tortured, confused, complex, multi faceted humans- with all our light, and all of our darkness.
Here we are on this planet trying to reconcile our God-like nature with the notion of being retched sinners- bound to the idea that we as humans are inherently flawed.
Now we must apologize for our human nature, seek forgiveness, and repent or risk eternal torture.

Question mark.

So I began to take more notice of the sky when I found myself outdoors. Whether it be in daylight, when the sun had the stage or at nightfall, when the stars were on full display and the moon had her turn. I began to notice the wind in all its powerful invisibility, how it made the trees dance. Nature speaks with such profound silence.

I thought about the Universe. I thought about the 100 billion galaxies. All the stars and all the planets. You think about how vast space is for long enough and you start to feel very small.
But then, remember all the elements that make up the stars are the same elements found in you and me.
What a grand feeling.

I watched as my body grew life. I witnessed divine creative power firsthand. So intense. Motherhood opened me up, left me together and broken all at the same time- which is a perfect position to be to receive revelation.

And so it came just like this...

God is, was, and always will be.
And energy can never be created or destroyed.
God is ever-expanding Love.
The universe is expanding exponentially every second.

I had an ah-ha there, or a "come to jesus moment" if you will…

Suppose God and the Universe are one in the same. Suppose God is the personified Universe.

Universal intelligence is a term used to describe what is seen as organization, or order of the universe. It has been described as "the intrinsic tendency for things to self-organize and co-evolve into ever more complex, intricately interwoven and mutually compatible forms."

It is the very intelligence surrounding us in nature. i.e. pollination, migration, even the unbelievably intricate systems in our own human bodies.

Some would say universal intelligence, some would say God.

Whatever language you use, if you are one of the few brave enough to ask the questions I believe you will find what you seek. 

For me, I was searching for myself, and in that search I got a glimpse of God.

So here and now, I pray a prayer of gratitude. Gratitude for this incredible journey, as everything unfolds and comes full circle in my life.

I make peace with the unknown, for all I know is Love.

I laid there with my shirt completely soaked in breast milk. This was my first night away from my six month old baby. I got there that night and didn't leave until the sun was up. I was pretty much ready to leave as soon as I got there but there was no turning around at this point.

Welcome to the Metro Health emergency room.

I wasn't injured, I hadn't been involved in any type of accident, I wasn't bleeding uncontrollably. It was none of that. I guess I had just grown tired of fighting with myself and I was ready to tap out. Very suicidal.

So I went somewhere where there were doctors in white coats and prescriptions to hand out like the candy the school nurse gives you when you scrap your knee at recess along with a cute little band aid. Only the cute little band aid was not going to cut it this time.

Damn depression.

They recommended I be admitted. I recommended they not recommend things and I went home.

That was seven months ago and even as I sit on this couch writing this small part of my story it feels as if I'm writing about some other person and in this moment I am appreciating the journeying that  has brought me to this moment in time.

I know darkness oh so well. I bathed in it. If light shined my way I hid from it, waiting for it to pass before I re-emerged.


I believe that every life experience comes with a lesson. Depression comes to teach and it doesn't leave until you learn and the longer you resist the lesson the longer it stays. I personally, just wanted to be happy. I wanted to silence that voice inside that says I am a worthless, unmotivated, ugly, tired, useless, stay at home mom with no purpose, no money- destined for mediocracy. I wanted THAT voice gone even it if it meant I had to die right with it.


Now every morning I re-emerge, eager to become reacquainted with my light. I am learning to honor my life in a deeper way, instead of entertaining the darkness. My promise to myself is to Love myself and to let my life inspire my fellow human to do the same.

This is why I share my story, for the people that feel stuck and the people who think they made a mistake in coming to this planet. My depression isn't cured and somedays are still a fight but I am happy to say that the vision of my higher self is getting more clear as the days go by.

And here is a reminder in case you forgot:  

You are at the exact right place in the exact right time and everything is working together for your good. 

trust & and believe.

My Spiritual Teachers: Kyle, Darwin, and Max

Children are our special teachers

Why?

Because they are the least removed from source energy.

In religious terms: fresh out of heaven.

And when we can center ourselves; and get in the present moment when we are in the presence of these divine beings we can look them in the eye and see all they have to give, they will teach us about ourselves. And that is worth  all the sleepless nights... 

I thank the universe or in religious terms: God. 

I thank God for my three little blessings that at some point or another I perceived as mistakes. They have caused me to reevaluate everything I ever perceived as a mistake. For my mistakes have been the very catalyst for this rapid evolution. The very thing that has propelled me to become a greater version of myself. And my only prayer is that I raise beautiful, compassionate, enlightened, and awaken humans. 

So be it, or in religious terms: Amen.

it must be nice to be so selfish...

he has this Loving way of being extremely persistant no matter how many times I say "nothings wrong" or "I don't want to talk about it" or "I'm just tired". He Loves me enough to see through my walls and he Loves me enough to hear beyond my words. He Loves me enough to simply Love me through whatever dark space I may be in. I honor that. One day he won't have to work so hard to crack me open.

Its night time. We're in bed. I see his eyes closing… aaaand in true Tondi fashion thats the time I decide I'm ready to talk…

I don't know. I'm a woman and I'm complicated. Don't ask.
But he is a man and he Loves me and he is ready to listen…

I begin, "I feel like I'm loosing myself. This mommy thing is so hard somedays. On the rare occasion that I actually find some time for myself I'm too exhausted to do anything with it. I feel like I'm loosing the part of me that I cherish the most, my creativity. I hate it. I hate feeling uninspired and unmotivated. I'm putting all of me into being a mommy and a wife and theres nothing left. I feel so depleted…"

He said, "I remember one time in an argument you yelled at me 'it must be nice to be so selfish' and babe you're right."

Sometimes you gotta be selfish.

Sometimes you gotta balance playing the role "the self-sacrifical mother" with the WOMAN who Loves and cares for herself, FIRST, so she can be of value when Loving and caring for others.

I'M JUST SAYING

A peek into the journey of a young family- by John Collins

my third year of motherhood...

Tomorrow marks my third year of motherhood. I'm trying to take my mind back to three years ago when the time came to push... 

I couldn't help but wonder what would possess this child to make this journey.
I couldn't help but wonder why my son chose me.

I was lost. I was young. I was afraid.
But I was humbled by the fact that I was carrying this life.

The situational occurrences surrounding his conception was the hardest thing I've ever experienced in my journey thus far and that intern birthed the most beautiful thing I have experienced in my journey thus far.

Unconditional love
Freedom from fear
...forgiveness, just to name a few...

My whole world became a foreign land the moment he came into this world. Everything from my lifestyle to the curves in my body. Nothing was ever the same...

I remember the feeling of holding him for the first time and looking into his eyes... this tiny baby was staring right through me. I was exposed. But what put me at ease was the fact that he had my eyes.

I was so moved. 

The fact is there are no words in the English language (or any other language for that matter) that come close to describing what it is like to hold your baby for the very first time. It forever changes you.

Kyle makes me crazy.

He is demanding, dramatic, and emotionally unstable. 

Just
like
me.

He is convinced the universe revolves around him and him only. 
He loves saying the word "no" but he hates hearing it.
He pushes me everyday to be simply be better because he exposes my weaknesses.

In these three short years he has managed to find and push every single one of my buttons and he's even created some new ones…

*deep breath*

… but Kyle keeps me sane.

sometimes when I'm holding him it really feels like he's the one holding me… keeping me together. Like he's the true teacher. 

Sure, I provide shelter and food and I pass along the basic skills he needs- but what he teaches me is so much more important. He teaches me to fearlessly Love, and to be in the present moment, and to relish in the things that bring me joy no matter how small.

The way he Loves is so pure. The way he cares for and protects his baby brothers is so beautiful. The way he expresses himself so freely is admirable.

I am awe struck by him. As I understand him I understand me. And as I find harmony with-in, I also find harmony with him. He has shown me that I am stronger than I ever thought.

Three is a significant number for many people, some even see it as a sacred number  I've noticed that number has seemed to follow me through out my life so I always try to take note when it pops up.

I sense Kyle's third year on the planet will be very pivotal for the both of us and I can't wait to see wait to see what it holds.

I am carrying such gratitude in my heart for Kyle's presence and so should anyone who is lucky enough to cross his path in this life.

Happy Third Birthday baby boy :)