motherhood awaits

Dear Motherhood,

I didn't expect to meet you so soon-if at all.

You could have at least sent word you were on your way...

instead you crept up on me unannounced with not even a phone call.

Now i must scramble to make room for you and hope there's room left for me.

Although, I'm sure it will be a pleasure when I finally meet you and you meet me.

It's July 4th... my son will be here any day now. He's due on Saturday so if he doesn't come on his own I will be induced in five days... FIVE DAYS!! How crazy is that? I'm so incredibly anxious. I just wanna hold him and kiss is little face!

The name we settled on is Kyle Kingston Collins... personally, I love it. However I feel every mother has a really obnoxious pet name for their baby, like "little pea" or "muffin" or "peanut" lol... I have to think of one for Kyle... it just has to be original and extremely obnoxious =). I see myself slipping and calling him by his "secret family pet name" in front of his first girlfriend one day lol

I'm just excited. This kid has no idea how much Love he's about to be flooded with. Love is one thing I can guarantee with complete and total certainty he will never ever go with out.

Mommy Loves you Kyle Kingston, feel free to come tonight... I would Love to meet you =)

Motherhood awaits... I'm as ready as I'll ever be!

how i approach my spirituality

"Do not believe anything
because it is said by an authority,
or if it is said to come from angels,
or from Gods,
or from an inspired source.

Believe it only if you have explored it
in your own heart
and mind and body
and found it to be true.

Work out your own path,

through diligence." — Gautama Buddha

wow

life is funny

What will be the brightest thing in my life was conceived in the darkest time of my life...life is funny that way.

Me at 7 months

shot by Shannon Williams

make up by Erica Stewart

freeing myself

sometimes i get this tight feeling in my chest

...this anxiety.

it happens from time to time when i look down at my belly and think of my son.

This morning I finally realized what it was...

that ugly shooting pain in your spirit called guilt.

thinking about the way I allowed him to be conceived.

... how I am not and never was in love with his father.

that shit weighs on me from time to time

i beat myself up for being so irresponsible

I hate feeling like I failed the kid before he even makes it out of the womb.

Most days I do my best to push those thoughts out of my head.

If I don't they will consume me.

I have give up on wasting any energy on wishing I could change the past.

I have to stop torturing myself

I have to starting loving myself unconditionally

I have to be in a constant mode of gratitude for my life and the life inside me

the truth is I'm madly in love with my son.

I know the day we meet will be one of the best days of my life.

Every time I feel him kick I get this feeling that's indescribable.

I forgive myself, to free myself to love my son the way he deserves

... my sweet baby boy

my little baby bump

Oneday I woke up and there was a small basketball under my shirt... go figure.