i love you

Sooo a few weeks back I was in Cleveland having dinner with my family at Olive Garden. Out of nowhere my dad ask a question that you could tell had been pressing on his mind. He posed this question to all of his kids, "where are yall with the Lord?"

I laughed.

I dont know why it seemed like such a bizarre question, but it did. I didn't exactly know how to answer him, so as my sister began to speak I thought of what I wanted to say. I thought about the truth.

You have to understand that grew up in a very christian home. Both parents are ministers and pastored a church of about 250 members for the majority of my existence. Needless to say I saw and experience a lot in the church. There's always a certain disappointment in my mom's tone when she makes mention of the fact that none of her children go to church since we've all left the nest.

But I believe we all have our reasons.

When my sister finished responding to my dad, he then turned his attention to me. Asked the question again, and I felt the heat of the spot light. I looked at him and began to answer as truthfully as I knew how.

Unfortunately we didnt get a chance to finish that conversation that day, because dinner was over and we needed to leave the restaurant. But I do believe he heard what I did get a chance to say and I really hope we get to continue our discussion soon.

But I opened with this,

"I never got a chance to choose Christianity for myself. I was born into a christian home and that was it"

Its true. Some people have stories where they searched and searched for something to believe in and then they discovered Christianity. They had that "ah ha!" moment.

Yea... never had that moment and I don't now that I ever will. Right now, I'm in process of understanding what it is i really believe. I don't claim to know that meaning of life, or where we go when we die, or any of those hard hitting questions we all ask ourselves. But I am open to having a deeper understanding of myself and the world around me. I am open to evolving mentally, physically, and spiritually. I'm not afraid to ask questions or have doubts...and more importantly I'm not afraid of not knowing. Simply saying, "I don't know"


With that being said, I hope to not offend my loved ones who are devout in there faith. Because one thing I DO know is that love is the most powerful force in the universe.

And

I

love

you.

AHHH!!! SO MUCH is going on!!! I dont even know where to begin!!! We need to get the freaking Internet in our new place so I can actually keep my precious baby blog updated!!

... I guess I should start with good news... ready? Okay... I got a promotion!!! YAY!!! Assistant manager at Shi by Journey's, full time, benefits... a real "grown up" job lol Im excited. At first I was low key nervous because Ive seen people in managerial positions with the company who are absolutely miserable being there... but then I realized this experience, just like any experience, will be what I make it. So Im choosing to make it a positive one, and I am really excited to start :) Making more money will put us closer to our savings goal which will only speed up the whole moving process. This is good.

I also found out a while ago that Americas Next Top Model is casting here in Columbus on April 8th. I decided to go try. I was never interested before because the whole "reality tv" idea turned me off. But now, for some reason Im interested... really interested. So wish me luck! :)

I have deeper things to express about whats going on in my life, but my mind isnt there right now so Im just gonna leave it right here for now....

Much love to all of you <3

im homeless

Tears were flowing at about about a gallon a second and it was in that moment that I was really thankful i saved the Wendy's napkins from lunch so I could blow my nose. Sobbing as the waste basket by my bed continues to fill with snotty yellow napkins. This wasn't how I pictured my night going when I woke up this morning...

...then again waking up wasn't exactly an easy task in itself.

Its been quite a while since my last post, and a lot has changed.For starters, everything around me. According to plan we moved out of our apartment earlier this month and in with John's family (a.k.a. the mad house). Unfortunately, this "mad house" seems to be our best option. At this point we are in a position where are expenses are minimal so are savings can expand,and we can relocated and avoid starvation and homelessness in the process. But with these sacrifices being made I still feel homeless in a way, because this place is soo far from my definition of home. I wish I could explain what its like here with out possibly offending someone who might read these words in the future. But I can't. So I won't.

But I will say, if you're imagining some type of third layer of hell scenario you can definitely scale it back a bit. Its not that bad, it's just not that good. I'm just trying to adjust to being completely out of my element... find my world again in this foreign place. I guess I just let all the negativity get to me. I try to cling on to my positive thoughts for dear life and sometimes it just feels like the littlest things come to snatch them away. Like bickering with my husband for instance. The smallest rift tears me apart. He's my only sense of home, my only sense of security. Its when we let the little thing get between us, that's when I feel homeless. Like a nomad.

BUT, its only been two weeks. I'm still adjusting, finding my groove, my peace of mind. I can make this a positive experience or I make this my prison, I know its my choice.

It's MY choice.

creatively scatterbrained

Im so creatively scatterbrained. So many ideas in my head. So many started projects. So much creativity and so little completion. I think this is why Im always a little wacky. I need to shut out the world for like a week, be alone with my ideas, and bring them to life......

On second thought. No. That might be somewhat dangerous. Maybe just a couple of days, MAYBE. I can't be alone with my thoughts for that long. My husband knows. Its not healthy for a loner to be alone too much. I sink deep inside myself and forget how to function socially. Its all bad.

But anyways like I was saying... things need to get done. These things include: writing for for the book, the short story im working on, my face mesh painting, fashion illustrations all over the place.... and ummm.... I think thats it? yeah. I think thats it.

I have to get this apartment clean before I do anything. I can't think amongst mess.

Ill leave you with some sketches of Seth. He's the second character in my children's book. Seth is nine. He's Jondi's best friend and next door neighbor. He comes from a Jewish background. His two loves: music and academics. He's a little dorky, kind of a mamas boy, somewhat timid.... but he always finds himself in some kind of trouble with Jondi....

Its been a minute... u remember Jondi?

Thats her.

shattered illusions

I find it amazing that I spend so much time worrying that people may think bad things about me when in reality there ARE bad things about me... there are a lot of good things too... but why would I rather let people cling to an illusion that everything is all good and later be disappointed when they find that I, am in fact a flawed human. I am beautiful, but flawed nonetheless. For this reason I resolve to stop trying to filter my flaws before I present myself to the world.
This is me.... selfish, insecure, loving, passionate, strong, weak- ME.

I just can't help it...

My husband and I made one new years resolution. Just one. Here it is....
no bull shit.

Simple right?

Anything in our lives that doesn't bring us peace will either be changed or removed completely.

This excites me. This puts us on a whole other level of honesty. Not just with each other, but with in ourselves about the things we allow to steal our peace.

For me its fear, worry, and doubt. Three things that can paralyze you mentally, spiritually, and physically if you allow them to stick around. So my goal is to dispel all three. While I shatter illusions of a perfect me, and let go of the fear I am happy with who I am and where I am right now in this moment.

Love. it.

switch it up

Its been a minute so I thought Id switch it up ;)

small chapter

Its been a minute- eh? I wish I was one of the people that writes ALL the time, but I'm not. I get the urge to write way more often than I actually do... I guess I should just stop resisting.... but um... yeah. A lots been going on. My thought bubble has been quite full lately. Basically, to put it simply, I've been fed up. I feel like I keep singing the same song- but its true. I am fed up. Fed up with this city, fed up with the monotony, fed up with being uninspired. I feel stuck. I always feel stuck. Lets downs seem to come at me left and right. Just the other day our car broke down again... and I immediately had a flash back of this past summer. In the spring our car broke down, engine locked up. Dead. Gone. Over. That led to me loosing my job. Its hard to transport myself from place to place with out transportation. Job over. That led to brokness. Bills barely getting paid, groceries barely in the house. Now it takes me forever to find a job, but finally get one. Then my dad decides to help us out and give us my little brothers car since he away at school and it's just sitting there. Thanks dad! Now we have a car again. Job- check. Car- check. Seems like our lives are getting back on track. A few weeks later, I get fired. Why? Still don't know the real reason... something about "bad work-match"... whatever that means. Unemployed again. But hey! I have a running car now, maybe I could get my old job back!... NOPE! My old boss said he cant depend on me, because of what happened when my car broke down and I couldn't get to work.... gee thanks. Back to back interviews, everyone says no. So we peace out. We go visit Chicago for a week. I figure there I can focus on what I really wanna do: model. I go visit Ford Modeling agency. They arnt interested. I go visit Elite Modeling Agency, then BMG Models... they both seem interested. So I bust my butt to send them pictures... and nothing. "No thank you. You are not what we are looking for at this time".... whatever. Story of my life. So here I am. I have three minimum wage jobs, technically four. I work in the mall, Shi by Journey's, Delias, and Hollister.... and I still do Bustown Modern once or twice a week. Then this past week the car breaks down. Here I am bumming rides, trying to hang on to my shitty jobs so we can pay these bills that don't seem to ever go away. I guess this is what being grown up is like. I find myself becoming resentful and negative. I hate that. That's not who I am. All I wanna do is travel with my husband. I want us to get out of here and see this world together before we look up and I'm pregnant, and we're thirty, and all we've ever seen is Ohio. I already feel like I'm too old to model at the level that I want. Just a little too old, hips a little too wide, and just little too short. Do I care? No. Because not trying is not an option. Am I afraid? No. I used to be, but now I'm too afraid to be afraid. It will keep me stagnant. I want to be that fearless, passionate, God-fearing woman I see in my head. I don't want to settle. But at the same time, I want to love the person I am today. I don't always know how to do that. Sometimes the standard I hold myself up to is so high and when I fail to reach it I mentally tear myself down and pick myself apart. Ugh! blah blah blah. I don't want this post to sound like my life completely sucks and I just feel sorry for myself. I just needed to vent. I want this blog to tell my story, the real story, not the sugar-coated version. Because I honestly feel like there will be an amazing ending, and without the hard part the ending just wouldn't be as good. This is just a small chapter in my life. But stay tuned, I know it gets better...