my art

clear thought is golden

It is a rare time when my mind is clear enough to write down my thoughts in a way that makes any type of sense. My thoughts are usually so jumbled and compacted its hard to organize them in my head. Which is why I find blogging to be therapeutic in a weird way. I say that because it forces me to sit down and make myself think clearly. Clear thought is golden in my world because its so rare at times.

I have been dreaming a lot lately... and it causing my life to make so much more sense. Have you ever just been in a place where you have no idea where your life is going? Yeah, Im not there. I know exactly where Im going and its got me on the edge of my seat. Looking into the future gets me excited... watching God to see what he will do next is almost overwhelming.

You when the bible talks about peace that passes all understanding??... yeah? I can truely say I am experiencing that. Having peace when it doesnt even make sense... thats good stuff. No matter where I am at now... I know where Im going, and that feels good.

And it feels so good to have someone by side, down for the ride... John Collins. My husband. Seriously, yall have no idea how much I love that man... he was tailor made for me. My favorite blessing :)

But anyways, I hope you guys are having a great week, and following your dreams :)

.... be blessed

I love my life

So I have already determined that worry and fear can not be apart of my life. I have already sent their eviction notice and they have been ordered to leave my world.

They have come knocking a few times here and there, but they have been turned away every time. Which is huge for me. The old Tondi would have welcomed them with open arms, the new Tondi slams the door in their face.

I must say Im proud of myself

It might sound cliche, but Life is such a journey. We can plan out every moment, but while we are planning Life goes on, and it doesnt care about our schedules or agendas.

I think one thing I learned this weekend is that I cant live my life afraid to make mistakes. I cant live my life expecting everything to always go my way. That sometimes if I just let life run its course I will save myself a lot of heartache. I have learned that life should be enjoyed, not tolorated. I cant wait for my circumstances to be perfect in order to be happy, I have to decide to be happy.

I have to look at my life and see the amazing people God has put around me and all the provisions He has made for me...too many, too much to name.

I love my life...I love who I am... and I think God is doing a great job.

worry wart

My alarm clock goes off... its 6:15... I hit the snooze button and the jolly tune goes away to my releif and I drift back to sleep...five minutes pass...there it goes again... the scene replays a couple of times and finally I attempt to use my mind power to tell my feet to touch the floor...

I hate mornings.

Before my eyes even get good and open my head is full and my mind is racing. Worry seemed to flood my mind...
the car broke down the other day...how are we gonna get to work?...we have to repair the car... money is ALready low aaand rent is due...

This is the kinda stuff that makes me wish I was five again... all I had to worry about was my barbies and sneaking candy before dinner....stuff like that...aaaand mandatory naps were scheduled! I would kill for mandatory naps nowadays! But anyways... those days are gone... (sad face)

The thing is I hate worrying. I dont want to be the type of person who doesnt care about anything but i dont want to be the worry wart I see myself turning into. I just sit there and wreck my brain for hours! One thought will lead another thought which will lead to another thought, then that thought will lead right back to the first thought until I have conjured up the worst possible situation in my mind and Im completly freaked out!!

In my mind I was permanently car-less and therefore job-less and therefore apartment-less!! That meant we would have to move in with Johns grandma and stay in John's old room. And all i could picture was life sucking!! Sucking really bad!! And I freaked out!

By this time I was fully awake and I had made it to the shower...and in the midst of my freak out... I stopped myself. I looked at what I was putting myself through...the unnecessary mental anguish.

I felt pathetic. I figured I could do one of two things: suck it up and keep it movin OR I could wake up John and cry on his shoulder so he would comfort me. He knows how my mind works and he would have told to calm down and stop thinking so hard... then he would have looked in my eyes and said he loves me and that God loves even more than he does. He would have reminded me that God has always taken care of us and he always will. And after being challenged to trust God and stop worrying I would have gone along with my day.

I didnt have to wake up John because knowing what he would say and playing the scenario in my head was enough. It was enough of a reminder to stop worrying and trust God. So I prayed.

I asked God for his will to be done...I asked Him to help me not to worry... and to keep me strong.

And I think he heard me because my mind was at peace.
I thought about the worst thing that could happen and it didnt seem that bad anymore. Strangely enough...it actually seemed good...
then I thought what if this was all Gods plan?

What of this is God's way of positioning us to make sacrifices that will pay off in the end?
If we ended up having to stay at John's grandma's house we would be able to save sooo much money. I could get a job nearby and John could carpool to work with his friend. And in the mean time we could save like crazy. That would put us in position to move to chicago by 2010 which is a major goal of ours...

While we stayed there, I would be able to finally get to know my new grandma. We could pick up a household bill and help her around the house and most of all she wouldnt be so alone. I know she is lonely most of time since John moved out, we could be there for her.

Suddenly everything seemed okay. Looking ahead didnt seem so scary. Whether this was the direction God was leading us or not... I had found peace and thats exactly what I needed. I need to know that my life wasnt about to spin out of control. Im no longer worrying... we will just have to see what happens...

maybe God knows what He's doing after all :)

I WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE!

sooo its been a week since i have hit up my blog... not that I have any devoted followers or anything like that...but whatever lol

thats cool....I still have stuff to say anyways :)

My husband and I went to Cleveland, OH this weekend to see my family. We had to take a family portrait for my dads website...he is running for judge... it was cool.... I missed the fam.

But anyways.... enough of that! This is whats been on my mind lately

I WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE!

I want to explore! I want to see new places! I want to leave!

My husband and I are only 20 and sometimes it feels like we have settled down... we wake up...we go go to work... I clean the apartment... he makes dinner... and so and so forth....

DON'T GET ME WRONG. I love my life...I appriciate the fact that we have jobs that pay the rent and put food on the table. I appricate the fact my husband is my BESTfriend and he rocks my socks! (the poem in my last blog was about him by the way)

My life is awsome. BUT- Im not complacent. There is MUCH more I want to be doing. And the thing is when life is good and things are going well its easy to get comfortable and forget about the dreams you are suppose to be making come true. Complacency is one of our WORST enemies!

When my husband and I got married at the begining of this year we said... we are getting married. yes. BUT we are NOT settling down.

That man is like my husband/ partner in crime...my P.I.C. lol basically what I am saying is we have stuff to do and places to see.

Right now we are lining our ducks in row so that we can take off.

First, a modeling career is what I want! I want it so bad I can taste it! I LOVE love LOVE modeling!

Second, I'm an artist. I paint. I draw...all that ish. Right now Im struggeling to find my artistic voice so to speek....but art is and will always be my passion. I want to start working on my childrens book that will be published ONE DAY.

Thirdly, is dance... a hidden talent of mine that has been on the shelf for quite some time... and I must say I miss it...God didnt give me that gift for nothing...I am just waiting for an outlet to set it free once again...

SOOO as you can see... I have A LOT to do. Believe im gonna do it ALL! Im gonna be all over the place (me and my baby) WATCH :)

I just need to chill out and be patient. God may not always move when I want him to but he ALWAYS moves at just the right time. I know he has to prepare me.

I have to truely understand His purpose for it all before he sends me out there.

For instance, God doesnt want me to model so can look cute on a magazine cover (im pretty sure he could care less) But what he does care about is little girls seeing the beauty in themselves and being inspired to embrace that. Modeling is a great to tool for inspiration.

God's plans are so much bigger than mine... I know I have to take this waiting period to simply listen.

I will move when God says move and stay when God says stay... but OMG thats so much easier said than done...

love itself

He loves like he was taught by love Itself.
Oneday, Love, in it nakedness, sat him down.
Love revealed itself in the purest way- with everything stripped.
No religon to blur the view.
No fear to numb the feeling.
Bearing its flesh.
Telling its truths.
Days he spent locked in a room.
Just him- love- and his open heart.
Love was the teacher.
He was the student.
His heart was the space where his lesson were written.
Everyday I get to open it- to read, and learn, and feel.
In fact I hold it in my chest.
It pumps the blood that now flows through my veins.
With no religion to blur the view and no fear to numb the feeling and everything stripped.
We love like we were taught by Love Itself.

truth is golden

There are so many unanswered questions that I have never felt the liberty to ask...until now. I suppose when something is spoon-fed to you from the beginning you never stop to ask "what is this?” Instead I have built my life on it with silent doubt- never audible questions. I don’t suppose it was fear that kept my lips together- or perhaps it was. Fear of the answer- more than that- fear of the question floating in the air remaining unanswered- which would be the worst answer of all. There is a mental deprogramming going on inside my head and I have just completed phase one: realization of flaws in my current mental program. SHOCK. If you sense any bit of sarcasm in that statement you couldn’t be more wrong. When something that is so much a part of who I am- something as serious as faith- is challenged internally- that is nothing short of a shock to the system. As I think about what I have always believed verses what I know in my heart to be true, I find the two to be unbalanced. A wise person once told me that asking why is not the same as saying no. That same person expressed to me (with great passion) that if our entire faith could be nullified by the answers of questions or the asking of questions when it wasn’t much of a faith to begin with. Those words have stayed with me since that night. Today I have a new found liberty to simply ask. Presenting the matters of my faith that I have not yet come to understand to God. And not just in a logical way, but in a real way- a way that my heart (not mind) will understand. My sister once said that logic is the cage that fearful people lock their minds in. And as we all know fear is the opposite of love- and God is love. So through all the questions and all the answers- there is one thing that my heart has understood for a while now- and that is God loves me. He loved me before I loved him back. He loves me when I break his heart. He loves unconditionally beyond my comprehension.

Show me your heart Lord- there I find truth.