creatively scatterbrained

Im so creatively scatterbrained. So many ideas in my head. So many started projects. So much creativity and so little completion. I think this is why Im always a little wacky. I need to shut out the world for like a week, be alone with my ideas, and bring them to life......

On second thought. No. That might be somewhat dangerous. Maybe just a couple of days, MAYBE. I can't be alone with my thoughts for that long. My husband knows. Its not healthy for a loner to be alone too much. I sink deep inside myself and forget how to function socially. Its all bad.

But anyways like I was saying... things need to get done. These things include: writing for for the book, the short story im working on, my face mesh painting, fashion illustrations all over the place.... and ummm.... I think thats it? yeah. I think thats it.

I have to get this apartment clean before I do anything. I can't think amongst mess.

Ill leave you with some sketches of Seth. He's the second character in my children's book. Seth is nine. He's Jondi's best friend and next door neighbor. He comes from a Jewish background. His two loves: music and academics. He's a little dorky, kind of a mamas boy, somewhat timid.... but he always finds himself in some kind of trouble with Jondi....

Its been a minute... u remember Jondi?

Thats her.

shattered illusions

I find it amazing that I spend so much time worrying that people may think bad things about me when in reality there ARE bad things about me... there are a lot of good things too... but why would I rather let people cling to an illusion that everything is all good and later be disappointed when they find that I, am in fact a flawed human. I am beautiful, but flawed nonetheless. For this reason I resolve to stop trying to filter my flaws before I present myself to the world.
This is me.... selfish, insecure, loving, passionate, strong, weak- ME.

I just can't help it...

My husband and I made one new years resolution. Just one. Here it is....
no bull shit.

Simple right?

Anything in our lives that doesn't bring us peace will either be changed or removed completely.

This excites me. This puts us on a whole other level of honesty. Not just with each other, but with in ourselves about the things we allow to steal our peace.

For me its fear, worry, and doubt. Three things that can paralyze you mentally, spiritually, and physically if you allow them to stick around. So my goal is to dispel all three. While I shatter illusions of a perfect me, and let go of the fear I am happy with who I am and where I am right now in this moment.

Love. it.

switch it up

Its been a minute so I thought Id switch it up ;)

small chapter

Its been a minute- eh? I wish I was one of the people that writes ALL the time, but I'm not. I get the urge to write way more often than I actually do... I guess I should just stop resisting.... but um... yeah. A lots been going on. My thought bubble has been quite full lately. Basically, to put it simply, I've been fed up. I feel like I keep singing the same song- but its true. I am fed up. Fed up with this city, fed up with the monotony, fed up with being uninspired. I feel stuck. I always feel stuck. Lets downs seem to come at me left and right. Just the other day our car broke down again... and I immediately had a flash back of this past summer. In the spring our car broke down, engine locked up. Dead. Gone. Over. That led to me loosing my job. Its hard to transport myself from place to place with out transportation. Job over. That led to brokness. Bills barely getting paid, groceries barely in the house. Now it takes me forever to find a job, but finally get one. Then my dad decides to help us out and give us my little brothers car since he away at school and it's just sitting there. Thanks dad! Now we have a car again. Job- check. Car- check. Seems like our lives are getting back on track. A few weeks later, I get fired. Why? Still don't know the real reason... something about "bad work-match"... whatever that means. Unemployed again. But hey! I have a running car now, maybe I could get my old job back!... NOPE! My old boss said he cant depend on me, because of what happened when my car broke down and I couldn't get to work.... gee thanks. Back to back interviews, everyone says no. So we peace out. We go visit Chicago for a week. I figure there I can focus on what I really wanna do: model. I go visit Ford Modeling agency. They arnt interested. I go visit Elite Modeling Agency, then BMG Models... they both seem interested. So I bust my butt to send them pictures... and nothing. "No thank you. You are not what we are looking for at this time".... whatever. Story of my life. So here I am. I have three minimum wage jobs, technically four. I work in the mall, Shi by Journey's, Delias, and Hollister.... and I still do Bustown Modern once or twice a week. Then this past week the car breaks down. Here I am bumming rides, trying to hang on to my shitty jobs so we can pay these bills that don't seem to ever go away. I guess this is what being grown up is like. I find myself becoming resentful and negative. I hate that. That's not who I am. All I wanna do is travel with my husband. I want us to get out of here and see this world together before we look up and I'm pregnant, and we're thirty, and all we've ever seen is Ohio. I already feel like I'm too old to model at the level that I want. Just a little too old, hips a little too wide, and just little too short. Do I care? No. Because not trying is not an option. Am I afraid? No. I used to be, but now I'm too afraid to be afraid. It will keep me stagnant. I want to be that fearless, passionate, God-fearing woman I see in my head. I don't want to settle. But at the same time, I want to love the person I am today. I don't always know how to do that. Sometimes the standard I hold myself up to is so high and when I fail to reach it I mentally tear myself down and pick myself apart. Ugh! blah blah blah. I don't want this post to sound like my life completely sucks and I just feel sorry for myself. I just needed to vent. I want this blog to tell my story, the real story, not the sugar-coated version. Because I honestly feel like there will be an amazing ending, and without the hard part the ending just wouldn't be as good. This is just a small chapter in my life. But stay tuned, I know it gets better...

I CUT MY HAIR!!!

I had an urge to cut my hair.... instead I resisted an turned to my trusty bobby pins. I call it my faux rihanna cut :) Tell me what you think!

All the clothes can be purchased here >> http://stores.ebay.com/bustownmodern

the underdeveloped fetus of my dream

Last night I dreamed I gave birth to a baby girl. She was wrapped up in a pink blanket and she was about 7 inches long. I seemed to be the only one in the dream that thought it was weird that she was so small, while no one else really even seemed to care that I had just given birth. With the exception of my husband, nobody really touched, or even looked at the baby. Before I gave birth I never even knew I was pregnant, I wasn't even showing. The baby just seemed to painlessly slip out. I remember laying the baby by my husband on the bed, and then instantly being overcome with the fear that he would roll over and crush the baby. That thought made me so upset and angry, but for some reason I just wouldn't move the baby. Then I woke up.

Weird right??

So when I woke up I told my husband about it... he had no idea what it meant. So when he left for work I started googling it. (I'm kinda a google nerd, I google everything)

This is what I found....

As always, question your dream noticing the finer details. How far along are you? Are you showing? Are you close to delivery? Are you actually giving birth? If you've delivered, are you taking care of the child? If you are not showing, but know you are pregnant, think of this symbolically and ask yourself if there is some idea that you've conceived but are not 'showing' to the world? Is there something hidden inside you, waiting to be noticed, waiting to be given some attention and time to develop? If you are giving birth, think about what happens when a woman gives birth: there is pain, followed by new life. In this case, this could indicate something in your life that will be painful to deal with but will ultimately give you great joy. Or it could mean that there is something you want to bring into the world which will be as life changing as giving birth. Whatever it is, the good news is that it is a natural event, something spontaneous and filled with life. If you have already given birth, are you taking care of what you brought into the world or has it been abandoned? Look at your life and see if there is something that needs some nurturing, some part of yourself that means a lot to you, but you haven't been taking care of--a project, a relationship, anything. Ask yourself why this isn't being addressed, ask yourself what is more important that your own creation. Pregnancy dreams, like real life pregnancies are harbingers of change, creativity, and new life being brought into the world. Treat your life as you would treat yourself if you were pregnant and wait for the miracle you're already creating to manifest in your waking world!

Crazy right?? With a little research I got my interpretation... and it all makes complete sense...

I see this dream as somewhat of a warning, like God wants me to understand something that I'm not getting. I realize that God has put so much in me. He has given me gifts and talents and skills, some of which I have yet to even tap into. But I think God is trying to get me to understand that they must be nurtured. That's why the baby in my dream was so under developed. The baby didn't represent a literal baby, it represented my purpose. I was so confused and heartbroken in the dream because nobody seemed to take notice to what I had just birthed. Meaning that if I don't take time to nurture and understand myself and my purpose and walk in that, it will not grow and it will not make the impact on this world that it needs to. It will simply go unnoticed. My research explained that if I wasn't showing in the dreaming this could mean, symbolically that there is some idea that you've conceived but are not 'showing' to the world? That there maybe something hidden inside me, waiting to be noticed, waiting to be given some attention and time to develop.

It's all true.

Another interesting point in my dream is the fact that my husband was the only one that cared about the baby besides me. He is the closest person to me in this world. I tell him literally everything. He's seen me in my most vulnerable state. I have opened myself to him to the point where he sees things in me that I don't even see. So it makes sense that he would care for the baby as I did in my dream. But at the same time I felt the need to protect it from him in fear that he would disguard it like the rest of the people in my dream. I didn't trust him completely. I forgot that he was on my side. He saw the baby just as I did. Meaning that he sees my purpose and my dreams just as I do, if not clearer. I can admit that at times I forget that. At times I forget that we are on the same team and that he would never damage the things I cherish, but that he will cherish them as well. He is always on my side.

Deep right?? That was a lot of deepness to be so early in the morning! But it was a good dream, and I'm glad I took the time to understand it. I rarely remember my dreams, so when I do i like to take the time to make sense of them.

I will be asking God to give me a deeper understanding of my purpose... and as I understand more I will share more, and expose more of me.

I am full of greatness, and so are you. I encourage you to find it in yourself as well.

chicago visit

Im sitting in my Columbus apartment listening to Modest Mouse. I just woke up not too long ago. I feel content this morning. Thats a feeling I havn't felt in a long time. I know my last post was a bit mellow dramatcic but it was honestly how I felt when I wrote it. That was the day I went to my first "real" open call at Ford Modeling Agency and I learned for the first time what it felt like to be rejected in the industry. Honestly I didn't know what to do with the emotions I felt. I didnt know how to get rid of them and I didn't even know how to feel them... they were just there. It was a strange night, and an even stranger morning because wednesday I had to prepare to visit Elite Models. I went in there ready for anything and ready for nothing.

Walking into Elite I was greeted by the receptionist with long blonde hair, she was smiling. She told me I was early and to take a seat. I immediatly felt better... the receptionist at Ford never smiled. Finally they walked us into a room down the hall where we were met by the scout. She was smiling, and talking to us like she actually wanted to talk to us. The scout at Ford just wanted to get the open call over with so she could leave and go pick her daughter up from school... everything felt so different in this place. We all said our names, our age, where we were from, and how tall we were.

"HI my name is Tondi, Im 21 years old, Im from Columbus, OH and Im 5'8'" *big smile*

Everybody had a turn and then the scout began to speak again. She gave us a little lecture about how models must stand out, and we are only given seconds to make an impression, and then she turned to me and said... "With that being said, Im going to ask everyone to leave except for this young lady"

Inside I was jumping, screaming, doing cartwheels, and high-fiving myself!!!! Outside I was cool, calm and collected. She took me upstairs, checked my height, introduced me to a lady, and handed me something called a snap request. A snap request is basically a request for several shots of your body from different angles, so they know what you look like with no make up, hair pulled back, and no posing. Those photos are then, to be mailed in. I ask for her card, shook her hand and saw myself out the door.

We then decided to stay one more day, to see one more agent. BMG Models. I hadn't heard of them until I got to Chicago. But I felt it was worth a shot. They are are smaller agency but very reputable, which is never a bad thing. So for our last day in Chicago we paid them a visit. I really liked the feel of the agency, it was very homey. The people were friendly and helpful. They took the time to meet with each model individually. They also expressed interest and they gave me basically the same snap request.

Yesterday I mailed off the photos to both BMG and Elite. They should arrive in Chicago tommorrow... and in the mean time I wait to hear back...

crossing fingers, and praying to God...

there are a few of the photos I sent in>>