water for my dream seeds

I so desperately wish this blog was a space where i could just brag about how awesome my life is. All you'd see is stunning photography from moments in my beautiful life. I'd document all the perfect moments with my children, my impeccable fashion choices, and all the delicious home cooked meals i make for my family.

I'd be sure to leave out the heated arguments and temper tantrums. I'd spare you the gory details of my separation, depression, and malfunction. I wouldn't dare bring up the fact that I have moments where I'd much rather not greet this world. And would conveniently forget to mention the countless times I've found myself on my knees, crawling, searching for some peace, or hiding place, or a blunt and a brew.

Yeah, no.

Just pretty pictures, and easy to digest content
>insert awkward smile<

I said all that to say, I do have beautiful moments with my children, and I have to pat myself on the back for a lot of my photo worthy fashion choices- and every once in a blue moon I cook something that I didn't get in the frozen food aisle. But perfection don't live here in this home and she never did.

I tried to invite her, but apparently she doesn't exist.

Sorry, I'm not sorry for the dark poetry- and the soap opera/ jerry springer scenarios you've read about over the years.

This is my little corner of the internet where I get to say what ever the fuck I want. Where I can be honest and real. I know my words won't resonate with everyone- and for some it'll be exactly what they need to hear. Either way, I'm good. I don't care about my run on sentences and grammatical errors. This blog is for me first -it's my free therapy.

I hope to one day compile it all into a memoir… what with all the ups and downs, plot twist, and complex characters.

I'm also hoping for a good ending. Im hoping all the tears I've cried (and still cry) serve as water for my dream seeds.

I hope I make it out of every storm stronger, and I can look back in the archives of this blog and see how far I've come.

I hope to get back to documenting this journey.
As usual I have much to update you guys on.

January 31st is almost here...

leave you be

bear my soul.

nope.
fuck that.

okay fine, look.

see?

it's equally ugly as it it is beautiful.
so don't stare too hard.

where's my invisible cloak when I need it…

I'll hide from your hard gaze,
piercing my soul.

Equally uneasy, as I am comfortable.
Equally scared, as I am fearless.

I'm going to remind you why you fell in Love with me,
when I walk away.

For all the times you feel out of Love with yourself
For all the times you called me weak.

I'll show you how strong this weak woman can be.
I'll Love you forever, and leave you be.

Unbreakable

Oh the feeling of victim turned victimizer.

From demonizing your victimizer, to demonizing yourself.

Switching roles in one night.

If not the victim, who might you be?

Quite thee identity crisis.

With newfound capabilities of victimizing who might you be?

Just as savage?

Just as weak?

Just as broken?

Broken broken broken 

Girl with a thing for broken boys

That broken boy, you broke that boy.

Why did you do that, you broken girl?

They say hurt people hurt people, well couldn't you have switched it up.

Swallowed your pain with out allowing another to sip from your cup?

Sat in solitude and awaited your healing...

Instead your soul beckoned him from the darkness 

and he emerged.

Beautifully draped in pain. Disguised as the perfect distraction. While he planted his seed in your womb.

That seed your womb grew.

Grew, grew, GROWN.

A man child.

The most handsome like his father, with a side of demon. Born from pain. Two humans wishing to escape.

I'm sorry.

Was I not a good enough escape for you?

Fuck you. You couldn't have spilled your seed elsewhere?

I took it. I held it. It grew it. I Loved it.

Love covers a multitude of sins. And thank God, for I have sinned greatly.

Oh the feeling of victim turned victimizer.

From demonizing your victimizer, to demonizing yourself.

Switching roles in one night.

If not the victim, who might you be?

With newfound capabilities of victimizing who might you be?

Just as savage?

Just as weak?

Just as broken?

Broken broken broken 

Girl with a thing for broken boys

That broken boy, you broke that boy.

Why did you do that you broken girl?

When will you forgive that broken boy?

When will you forgive that broken girl? 

When will you Love that brokenness that gave you the strength to Love unconditionally with the newfound knowledge that you are in fact 

unbreakable. 

messy masterpiece

I'm totally cool with shattering illusions about myself. I'm so far from perfection and its way to exhausting to pretend like I have it all together. The truth is I'm a mess, just like you.

Yeah you.

I have this ridiculous need to prove I am enough. Usually I'm just trying to convince myself.

"Sometimes your worst enemy is in your own skin, sometimes it shares your face and claims to Love you. That hateful voice is not Love- I promise you. There will come a day when your fight is bigger than your fear, when you nearly claw your way out of your body to prove you exist- leave that skin for someone else and design your own wings. You are masterpiece, magnificent your glory. Have you seen her? "

 - Natalie Patterson

Sometimes your worst enemy is in your own skin. 

Can you relate? Have you ever felt that? Have you felt no matter what you try to accomplish in your day there is that voice in the background of your mind discouraging you at every turn, telling you that you aren't enough, pointing out all your flaws, reminding you of all your past mistakes? 

I think we all have those truths that we are afraid to say out loud. Those ugly truths that we tuck away, that cause us to hold guilt and shame. That keep us bound to this false idea of ourselves. Illusions.

Illusions we cling so tight to.

As of late I've been inclined to let that shit go. 

Its not always easy.

Tonight was rough.

Tonight was SO necessary.

Tonight I released. 

I feel lighter, tonight.

A Glimpse of God

I pushed God away.

Well maybe not God, as much as the word "god". That word, along with all the other words I heard spoken in vain as a young person growing up in the church. I no longer had any use for such words in my vernacular so I gifted myself with the freedom to walk away from that world and the language they spoke.

I used to go around singing my pastor's daughter's blues -in my immaturity I just wished my parents had regular jobs. However the fact of the matter was that they were far from regular.

Two exceptional people, my parents. They raised me to be who I am, they encouraged my talents, but most importantly they taught me to Love God.


So naturally, church was like a second home growing up.
Sometimes home is a place you feel a sense of belonging, other times it just a place you often find yourself.
I related to the latter.

Church was such a strange place, I felt that even in my full submersion so when I journied out my only request was to find real, tangible truth. Not new words, rituals, or doctrine

… I suppose I just really wanted God (for lack of a better word)

You have this all knowing, all powerful, divine entity.
Creator of the universe.
The embodiment of Love...
then you have the humans he created- beautiful, brilliant, tortured, confused, complex, multi faceted humans- with all our light, and all of our darkness.
Here we are on this planet trying to reconcile our God-like nature with the notion of being retched sinners- bound to the idea that we as humans are inherently flawed.
Now we must apologize for our human nature, seek forgiveness, and repent or risk eternal torture.

Question mark.

So I began to take more notice of the sky when I found myself outdoors. Whether it be in daylight, when the sun had the stage or at nightfall, when the stars were on full display and the moon had her turn. I began to notice the wind in all its powerful invisibility, how it made the trees dance. Nature speaks with such profound silence.

I thought about the Universe. I thought about the 100 billion galaxies. All the stars and all the planets. You think about how vast space is for long enough and you start to feel very small.
But then, remember all the elements that make up the stars are the same elements found in you and me.
What a grand feeling.

I watched as my body grew life. I witnessed divine creative power firsthand. So intense. Motherhood opened me up, left me together and broken all at the same time- which is a perfect position to be to receive revelation.

And so it came just like this...

God is, was, and always will be.
And energy can never be created or destroyed.
God is ever-expanding Love.
The universe is expanding exponentially every second.

I had an ah-ha there, or a "come to jesus moment" if you will…

Suppose God and the Universe are one in the same. Suppose God is the personified Universe.

Universal intelligence is a term used to describe what is seen as organization, or order of the universe. It has been described as "the intrinsic tendency for things to self-organize and co-evolve into ever more complex, intricately interwoven and mutually compatible forms."

It is the very intelligence surrounding us in nature. i.e. pollination, migration, even the unbelievably intricate systems in our own human bodies.

Some would say universal intelligence, some would say God.

Whatever language you use, if you are one of the few brave enough to ask the questions I believe you will find what you seek. 

For me, I was searching for myself, and in that search I got a glimpse of God.

So here and now, I pray a prayer of gratitude. Gratitude for this incredible journey, as everything unfolds and comes full circle in my life.

I make peace with the unknown, for all I know is Love.

I laid there with my shirt completely soaked in breast milk. This was my first night away from my six month old baby. I got there that night and didn't leave until the sun was up. I was pretty much ready to leave as soon as I got there but there was no turning around at this point.

Welcome to the Metro Health emergency room.

I wasn't injured, I hadn't been involved in any type of accident, I wasn't bleeding uncontrollably. It was none of that. I guess I had just grown tired of fighting with myself and I was ready to tap out. Very suicidal.

So I went somewhere where there were doctors in white coats and prescriptions to hand out like the candy the school nurse gives you when you scrap your knee at recess along with a cute little band aid. Only the cute little band aid was not going to cut it this time.

Damn depression.

They recommended I be admitted. I recommended they not recommend things and I went home.

That was seven months ago and even as I sit on this couch writing this small part of my story it feels as if I'm writing about some other person and in this moment I am appreciating the journeying that  has brought me to this moment in time.

I know darkness oh so well. I bathed in it. If light shined my way I hid from it, waiting for it to pass before I re-emerged.


I believe that every life experience comes with a lesson. Depression comes to teach and it doesn't leave until you learn and the longer you resist the lesson the longer it stays. I personally, just wanted to be happy. I wanted to silence that voice inside that says I am a worthless, unmotivated, ugly, tired, useless, stay at home mom with no purpose, no money- destined for mediocracy. I wanted THAT voice gone even it if it meant I had to die right with it.


Now every morning I re-emerge, eager to become reacquainted with my light. I am learning to honor my life in a deeper way, instead of entertaining the darkness. My promise to myself is to Love myself and to let my life inspire my fellow human to do the same.

This is why I share my story, for the people that feel stuck and the people who think they made a mistake in coming to this planet. My depression isn't cured and somedays are still a fight but I am happy to say that the vision of my higher self is getting more clear as the days go by.

And here is a reminder in case you forgot:  

You are at the exact right place in the exact right time and everything is working together for your good. 

trust & and believe.

My Spiritual Teachers: Kyle, Darwin, and Max

Children are our special teachers

Why?

Because they are the least removed from source energy.

In religious terms: fresh out of heaven.

And when we can center ourselves; and get in the present moment when we are in the presence of these divine beings we can look them in the eye and see all they have to give, they will teach us about ourselves. And that is worth  all the sleepless nights... 

I thank the universe or in religious terms: God. 

I thank God for my three little blessings that at some point or another I perceived as mistakes. They have caused me to reevaluate everything I ever perceived as a mistake. For my mistakes have been the very catalyst for this rapid evolution. The very thing that has propelled me to become a greater version of myself. And my only prayer is that I raise beautiful, compassionate, enlightened, and awaken humans. 

So be it, or in religious terms: Amen.