her thought bubble...

the best sound I've ever heard

2012-02-01T19:36:00.000-08:00

Sometimes u get lucky and catch those priceless moments on film :)

my "Dear John" letter

2012-01-30T23:22:00.000-08:00

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Dear John,

SO our Love story continues. I imagine that if Mr.Walt Disney were still alive today he would have most likely turned up his nose if someone were to pitch our story for his next animated film... but I find that our plot twist has a certain undeniable charm and the "happily ever after" ending doesn't hurt either... what does Disney know anyways...

It was a dream, then it was a fairy tale, then it was a nightmare, and then we woke up. We have weathered storms, we bathed in sunshine, we hurt each other, we have healed each other. We have Loved, and we have Loved harder.

You could have been just a memory today... a sad story I would try to forget. Instead, today we get to celebrate 3yrs of marriage, and I must say that I am humbled and grateful that we have found something undeniably indestructible in the Love we share.

I want you to know you are more than a man, more than my husband, more than a father; more than anyone will ever be able to comprehend. Your depth is endless and I am so grateful to be able to experience all that you are. You have my heart, and those aren't just words.

I Love you for being my best friend. I Love you for working so hard on yourself. I Love you for the way your brain works. I Love you for learning how to make my coffee. I Love you for being different than anybody I've ever met. I Love you for enabling my candy addiction. I Love you for being strong for our family. I Love for being incredibly talented. I Love you for providing. I Love you for cracking me open. I Love you for never ignoring my feelings. I Love you teaching me about the importance of self-Love. I Love you for teaching me about forgiveness. I Love you for encouraging me. I Love you for loving Kyle like he was your own. I Love you for protecting me. I Love your new haircut. I Love you for never holding grudges. I Love every single freckle on your body. I Love you for being patient with me. I Love you for wanting my happiness more than your own. I Love you for challenging me. I Love you for telling the truth. I Love you for Loving me...

I Love YOU...times infinity.

Happy Anniversary Baby!!!

sincerely,

your wife, Tondi Collins.

p.s. "Tryna get fresh?!!"

The Evolution of my Spirituality: Truth At All Cost

2011-12-19T14:41:00.000-08:00

I was afraid of the questions in my heart so I pushed them down.

The moment I realized I was pushing them down it seemed as though they would so effortlessly float up again.

Doubling my energy this time, I pushed them down once more. Only to watch them float back up to the surface of my heart like a dead fish in the ocean... or perhaps more like a beach ball being pushed down below the surface of the water only to slip beneath the pressure of my hands and spring up above the water into the air nearly smacking me in the face on its way up.

Yes. These questions were here along with the realization that the effort I was using to rid myself of them was in vain.

The fact is, the answers, or lack of answers to these questions would change everything.

Everything I thought I knew. Everything I found my identity in. Everything I found my hope in. Everything.

I concluded that the energy I used to suppress my questions had to be directed at the fear that accompanied these question and in doing so I was finally able to confront my heart.

You see, my faith has always been a big part of who I am. If someone were to ask me to describe myself in three words one of those words would undoubtedly be "Christian".

I am the daughter of two ordained and licensed ministers. My mother tells me she read me scriptures from the bible when I was still in her womb and when I grew older I learned them for myself.

I was taught that Jesus was the son of God and that he died for all the sins of the world. Believing that meant I could go to heaven, not believing meant I was guaranteed a spot in hell. So you can understand why I would chose to believe...I did not exactly fancy the idea of going to Hell.

Along with the gospel there were many other stories I learned from the scriptures. Beautiful stories, dark stories, stories of triumph, pain, heart ache, joy, love. This Bible, this holy book, was jam-packed with action and controversy. This book, I was told was where all truth was found- the words of God Himself.

Before I could form the questions in my heart they were answered for me as a young child. My beliefs about who I am, and who God is and how we were to relate to Him were shaped for me before my mind was even fully developed.

I don't say this in a negative tone... these are simply facts. Facts free of regrets or resentment or any negativity attached.

My upbringing, not free of mistakes, was done with the most sincerity and Love one could ever ask for. My parents are two people that will always have my utmost respect and Love and I am grateful for the amazing job they did in raising me. They are devout in their faith, and they taught me the same.

However, what I was not taught was to ask questions... or I should say I was not taught to ask questions that came from a place of doubt. I was taught that one does not question God and if there are any questions, any questions at all, they would be found in the Bible and only in the Bible. And if my answers were not directly from the Bible they had at least line up with the Bible. To seek knowledge outside of that would be in vain because the only things to be discovered are lies and Satan is the Father of lies.

So you can imagine the fear and anxiety that rose in me when I noticed these questions in my heart about two years ago. Was I moved by fear? No. I could move once that fear in me was dispelled.

That began an evolution inside me.

I wondered if I believed what I believed because I knew it for myself to be true or because it was all I'd ever known. I knew, and I still know, that as a bible-believing Christian I encountered God- that formless, infinite, eternal Being. I did not doubt that. Those encounters in prayer and meditation were not fake, they were real- more real than anything I had ever experienced.

BUT, what about people who were not bible-believing Christians? Could they experience God this way? Could they experience real Love? Was a real God- experience something reserved only for bible-believing Christians? Was belief in Jesus the ONLY way?

Jesus. He is what it really comes down to in terms of Christianity. He is what separates the Christian faith from any other faith. You can't call yourself a "Christian" and not believe that Jesus is the only way. The very word "Christian" means follower of "Christ". To be a Christian means I have to believe that there is one way and that Jesus is that way and that anyone who disagrees goes to hell for eternity. Period. No gray, just black and white.

The truth was, I wasn't so sure. I wasn't convinced.

My heart and mind were at war.

My mind was conditioned to think one way and my heart wanted Truth. absolute Truth, not relative truth... at all cost.

Separating religion from spirituality was one thing. I knew I had no need for religion, I never really did...

but what happens when you separate culture from it all?... What's left?

The impact western culture has had on the church has always dishearten me. It seemed as though many of Jesus teachings have been distorted in order to fit in with the way our culture and society operates. It seems as though the church is not at all above the ugly affects that fear, greed, and desire for power have plagued upon the rest of the world.

I am not taking this opportunity to air out my list of grievances with the church. What I am saying is that there is a clear dysfunction in the minds of humanity as a whole. Christians call it "original sin". Hindus call it

"maya" or the veil of delusion. Buddhist call it "dukkha" or suffering. Whatever you call it... you can't really deny that its there. Just turn on the news. Look at the way we treat each other, better yet, look at the way we treat ourselves...

I can't disagree with the church when they say we need a savior, I can't even disagree with people that say they've found what they were looking for in Jesus. However, I also can not disagree with people who say they found it in the teachings of Buddha, or the Hindu gods, nature, or even themselves. I will not oppose any belief simply because it is not my own. I will only oppose indifference and hatred. I will take time to listen to my heart because it is forever connected to the formless, infinite, eternal Being and that will point me to Truth always.

So far in my personal spiritual evolution I have come to realize this:

Perhaps its time to take back the mind-shaping powers that other people have held over my lifetime. Perhaps I should let go of the anxiety that comes with doubt and embrace it and allow it to push me to search for Truth. Perhaps I should stop clinging to ideologies, beliefs systems, or doctrines for fear of hell and rejection. Perhaps its okay if people don't "get it" or agree and support me as I evolve.

Because the fact is if I don't evolve I die.

brain fart. oh well

2011-09-16T10:05:00.000-07:00

Ignore me.

Well, don't ignore ME... just ignore my constant posting and re-posting of videos.
For some odd reason every time I post video on here the sound is always off.
It bugs me. But whatever... I need to write anyways.

Damn.

...I just drew a blank... I had something to say, I really did...
.........ummm

too many distractions....

...

ok whatever.
Basically what I wanted to say is I'm happy. I'm really freakin happy. I would elaborate but my kid is hungry and I gotta go.

I shall leave you with this photo that says it all

my beautiful family. illustrated by me

2011-09-07T20:05:00.000-07:00

my baby boy is here

2011-08-10T13:34:00.000-07:00

motherhood awaits

2011-07-04T16:47:00.001-07:00

Dear Motherhood,

I didn't expect to meet you so soon-if at all.

You could have at least sent word you were on your way...

instead you crept up on me unannounced with not even a phone call.

Now i must scramble to make room for you and hope there's room left for me.

Although, I'm sure it will be a pleasure when I finally meet you and you meet me.

It's July 4th... my son will be here any day now. He's due on Saturday so if he doesn't come on his own I will be induced in five days... FIVE DAYS!! How crazy is that? I'm so incredibly anxious. I just wanna hold him and kiss is little face!

The name we settled on is Kyle Kingston Collins... personally, I love it. However I feel every mother has a really obnoxious pet name for their baby, like "little pea" or "muffin" or "peanut" lol... I have to think of one for Kyle... it just has to be original and extremely obnoxious =). I see myself slipping and calling him by his "secret family pet name" in front of his first girlfriend one day lol

I'm just excited. This kid has no idea how much Love he's about to be flooded with. Love is one thing I can guarantee with complete and total certainty he will never ever go with out.

Mommy Loves you Kyle Kingston, feel free to come tonight... I would Love to meet you =)

Motherhood awaits... I'm as ready as I'll ever be!

how i approach my spirituality

2011-07-04T07:20:00.000-07:00

"Do not believe anything
because it is said by an authority,
or if it is said to come from angels,
or from Gods,
or from an inspired source.

Believe it only if you have explored it
in your own heart
and mind and body
and found it to be true.

Work out your own path,

through diligence." — Gautama Buddha

wow

2011-06-09T04:46:00.000-07:00

life is funny

2011-05-16T05:22:00.000-07:00

What will be the brightest thing in my life was conceived in the darkest time of my life...life is funny that way.

2011-05-10T07:22:00.000-07:00

Me at 7 months

shot by Shannon Williams

make up by Erica Stewart

freeing myself

2011-04-11T06:52:00.000-07:00

sometimes i get this tight feeling in my chest

...this anxiety.

it happens from time to time when i look down at my belly and think of my son.

This morning I finally realized what it was...

that ugly shooting pain in your spirit called guilt.

thinking about the way I allowed him to be conceived.

... how I am not and never was in love with his father.

that shit weighs on me from time to time

i beat myself up for being so irresponsible

I hate feeling like I failed the kid before he even makes it out of the womb.

Most days I do my best to push those thoughts out of my head.

If I don't they will consume me.

I have give up on wasting any energy on wishing I could change the past.

I have to stop torturing myself

I have to starting loving myself unconditionally

I have to be in a constant mode of gratitude for my life and the life inside me

the truth is I'm madly in love with my son.

I know the day we meet will be one of the best days of my life.

Every time I feel him kick I get this feeling that's indescribable.

I forgive myself, to free myself to love my son the way he deserves

... my sweet baby boy

my little baby bump

2011-04-01T19:22:00.000-07:00

Oneday I woke up and there was a small basketball under my shirt... go figure.

Kyle Kingston

2011-03-16T04:58:00.001-07:00

My beautiful baby boy, Kyle Mekhi

...mommy can't wait to meet you in July <3

january 31st: part four

2011-03-16T04:18:00.000-07:00

I wrote this on October 1st, 2010...

"its been a week and a day since the most devastating world wind of my life... and that may sound overly dramatic to some, but to me it is a complete and total understatement.

about a year and eight months ago I was just 20 years old and I was standing at the alter in my long white dress vowing my heart to my soul mate forever, and he was doing the same. Not a relationship free from complications, but one full of passion, pain, and most importantly love.

in these past days I have watched my marriage dissolve, leaving me feeling scared, alone, and broken. my whole life uprooted and turn upside down. This past week has been thee hardest week of my life. Feeling the most pain I've ever experienced as if i was mourning a death. Not only having to deal with betrayal from my partner and separation from my partner, but also the stress of quitting my job, leaving everything behind, moving back in with my parents and adjusting to everything in my life no longer looking the same."

...I wrote that over 5 months ago and here we are.

January 31st just happened to be our 2yr wedding anniversary.

how bitter sweet.

Bitter, because of all the damage surrounding us

Sweet, because we stood there in it, reunited, ready to pick up the pieces.... together.

Happy Anniversary.

Today, almost 2 months later, we are healing the broken places.

Thee most gut-wrenching, beautifully painful, terrifying soul renewal I've ever endured.

Never been so weak

and so strong.

Never been so scared

and so fearless.

I love him. I never stopped. My vows weren't in vain. For better or for worse we are husband and wife. We can't change whats happened in the past but we can take control of the future. I don't need the world to understand us... we've been misunderstood our whole lives.

So slip that ring back on and let everybody know our story ain't over just yet.

stay tuned.

january 31st: part three

2011-03-15T21:47:00.000-07:00

I could literally hear him breaking inside.

... the way he sobbed broke the remnants of heart I had left.

I broke.

he broke.

the mess we made was staring us in the face.

I let everything out.

I told on my new friend

I told him what she had done to me

how she wouldn't let me eat

how sick she was making me.

how she was breaking me down to nothing.

He saw me. He saw clearer than anyone had ever seen me.

I knew how ugly the picture must've been .

so I prepared myself for our visit to end soon

... until I heard the next words out of his mouth.

"I love you"

he wasn't done.

"I'll love this baby, because its coming from you."

he begged to be be apart of my life. I could see in his eyes how much he meant it.

and then he touched my belly...

"I love him already... this blessing"

It was almost as if my mistakes made it easier to see past his...

and that was the moment I let out the last tear of sadness for the night...

joy was my new reason for tears.

He kissed my tears. He held me. He rocked me. I didn't want this moment to ever end because my pain was paused for the first time in a long time.

even in this big mess we made for ourselves

he was still mine

I was still his

and I could breath.

and I could smile.

all the mistakes stopped staring at us for that moment, only love was there.

we got it back.

we got it all back.

journey to healing...

january 31st: part two

2011-03-15T20:50:00.000-07:00

self destruction became my live in guest in your absence.

she claims I gave her permission, she says I even cleared a special place

... I wasn't aware.

It didn't matter, she had already made a home, there was no turning her away.

sometimes she would stay quiet long enough for me to hear my thoughts but you always seemed to consume my thoughts... leaving me no choice but to invite her to dance... to seduce me... to distract me

my sweet self destruction, my sweet new friend.

she made all my decisions, never consulting me.

she picked the men I fell in the arms of

she picked the strong drinks I ordered at the bars

she picked the hidden places I could cry where no one could hear

the worst part about my new friend is that she had the deadly power of invisibility to the naked eye

my friends could not see her

my family only sensed her when she was near.

blind.

she was hidden

I was hidden

I was hurting

nobody could see

I had a secret. He should only hear from me.

looking in his eyes to release these words was not an option so I stared into space and forced the words from my lips as quickly as they would allow

He wanted to take me to New York in July to live.

He wanted to help make my dreams come true.

July.

July...

looking away I let the words fall out.

"You're moving to New York in July... I'm having a baby in July

......... its not yours"

I never heard a man cry that hard in my life. I thought I killed him then and there.

breathing became impossible.

january 31st: part one

2011-02-17T06:05:00.000-08:00

I saw him approaching my car.

I had to remind myself to tell my brain to tell my body to breath.

With every step he made my breaths got shorter.

I'm nervous.

He's here. He's in the car next to me now.

I can't look at him but I can't look away.

I attempt both.

I must look crazy.

"Can I get a hug?" he says.

...we embrace.

It was the quickest and longest hug of my life.

My tears roll down his back, his tears ran down mine

and in that second our souls came back to our bodies.

they had been gone so long.

I sat there exposed, the way I had always been with him.

the way I had never been with anyone else.

my best friend.

he was the only one that ever really saw me, and I only I saw him.

he told me his life story from the time he left my world to the present moment.

I sat, I listened. This man had a whole other life that didn't include me.

New friends, new job, new home, new life.

He looked different, yet nothing beyond his eyes had changed.

...they still read "I Love you"... just like they always had.

The very thing that made me hesitant to agree to this meeting.

I knew my eyes would read the same.

This ring-less man was my husband

and me, his ring-less wife had a secret to share.

deep breath.

or else... why live?

2011-01-30T03:27:00.001-08:00

which was the illusion? the love I felt or the indifference i feel now?

not sure which one to wish for.

such tragedy in both

this indifference is just protection.

what kind of way is that to live?

my ignorance is so terrifying but incredibly blissful at the same time

however, there is a bigger tragedy.

the uninspired artist who inspires no one

i believe there in lies the real reason for my tears

not because I'm broken

but because no real beauty has come of it

at least none I've seen

still, I let the tears dry up

because I know it's coming

it has to

or else

why live?

2011-01-02T05:16:00.000-08:00

the darkness

2010-12-30T08:47:00.000-08:00

i dont want to make friends with this darkness because I know it is not here to stay.
but, the darkness is in fact here.

i do not fear for the future, i fear for this moment I am in.

I see the road ahead of me is not easy but it's bright... so if i ever escape this moment, there is where I would like to be.

2010 is coming to a close. it won't be missed.
2011 is fast approaching. it will change everything.

As much as I want to spill everything out on these pages, I can't do so at this moment.
Just know, my life has been changed drastically.
Nothing will ever be the same.

i dedicate this post to anonymous

2010-11-24T18:57:00.000-08:00

"Please, never stop sharing" - anonymous

Someone, i don't know who, wrote this to me... and i heard them... and i thank them.

I have purposely neglected this blog. I was done. Nobody wants to hear my rants. Nobody needs to know my business. Nobody really even cares.

then i saw the comment from anonymous

I thought about why I started this blog. I looked back to my verry first post: "truth is golden"

...then i remembered...

This is my space. This is where I can hear myself think. This is where I can document my dreams and my life and everyone can watch everything unfold.

There is great purpose in my life. There is great purpose in my pain, and my joy, and my disappointments. My dreams WILL BE my reality and I would be doing the world a disservice if I kept it to myself.

watch me rise.

a few thoughts

2010-10-23T21:17:00.000-07:00

im at peace...
never thought I would feel that again.
i meditate a lot these days
...which is funny because I used to mock people who were in to meditation...
i feel im surrounded by a lot of people who wouldn't understand my spiritual journey if i tried to explain it.
so i dont.
i dont want it tainted by close-minded opinions.
...im more connected to myself than I have ever been in my life.

i feel really thankful
... for everything
good and bad

im learning how to breath again.

I promise.

2010-10-01T13:51:00.000-07:00

its been a week and a day since the most devastating world wind of my life... and that may sound overly dramatic to some, but to me it is a complete and total understatement.

This caused me great devastation.

Panic attack after panic attack.

Loss of appetite

and just the constant battle with depression... the kind where all u want to do is sleep in the dark. wake up and cry until you cry yourself back to sleep... in the dark.

And the midst of it all... this loss of my love... I've never felt so loved by so many. People I least expected. The messages, the texts, the voice mails, the phone calls... everyone sending out love and sending up prayers. Helping strengthen me everyday when I feel that darkness taking over.

With all that love, one can't stay depressed forever. But with that said, the only thing people keep saying that is somewhat difficult to hear is,

"Tondi, you know you have to forgive him, not for him, but for you..."

I've struggled with that so much! Because on one hand, I hate him for causing me all this pain and abandoning me, and on the other hand, I love him and miss him so much.

And what's even harder is that I know we will always love each other. But I also know that's its over. It has to be over.

But anyways... back to forgiveness...

I've been reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert... and me, I'm a really slow reader so yesterday I finally got to the part about prayer (the middle section of the book). In this section the author travels to India to get a deeper understanding of devotion.

This woman is recently divorced (how appropriate :-/) and she is expressing the pain of loosing a soul mate to a friend... this is what her friend tells her...

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is mirror, the person that shows you everything that's holding you back, the person that brings you to your own attention so that you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is you just can't let this one go. His purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that marriage you need to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life. That was his job, and he did great, but now its over"

he goes on to say,

"Problem is, you can't accept that this relationship had a real short shelf life. You're like a dog at a dump, - you're just licking at an empty tin can, trying to get more nutrition out of it. And if you're not careful, that can's gonna get stuck on your snout forever and make your life miserable. So drop it.

"... You're just afraid to let go of those last bits of him because then you'll really be alone... but here's what you gotta understand, If you clear out all that space in your mind that you're using to obsess over him, you'll have a vacuum there. an open spot- a door way. And guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in- God will rush in- and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using that guy to block that door. Let it go."

Those were thee most profound words I've heard all week. And they have changed my perspective on this whole situation.

Am i healed? Not all the way.

Is my heart still broken? Yes... but somehow its still beating. And when I step back and gain some perspective (the little perspective I can gain at this very moment) I see that my husband served his purpose in my life. A very very important and impactful purpose. And I believe I did the same for him. We just thought it would be forever and it didn't turn out that way. But at 22 I'm learning that things just don't always turn out the way you plan them but that's okay.

And to John, I love you, I thank you, I forgive you, and I release you.

And to myself, I love you, I forgive you, and I promise to learn you in a deeper way.

I promise to never loose you. I promise to not be afraid of who you are apart from a man, or anyone. And I promise to never reject you but love and embrace you more and more every day.

powerless

2010-09-22T19:51:00.000-07:00

ugh. im never making a video again. i hate the sound of my own voice. its fucking weird.

anyways.

here i am. its night time. i would normally be knocked out cold but I fell asleep when i got home from work and now im wide awake. mind racing, as usual.

...i want to describe my mental space in a way that make sense to someone other than myself.

...hmm. where do i begin?...

i guess i feel weird, lost, and confused. but at the same time i feel that I am just where I need to be.

... doesnt that make any sense?

If you are close to me (which few people are) you know that I am extremely hard on myself. somewhat mentally self destructive.

I have no real concept of what other people see when they look at me, all i know is what I see.

I see a coward.

As hard as that was to say aloud, let alone type... its real.

...and you know what im most afraid of??

me.

Im afriad of who I really am at my core. Im afraid that the image of myself that I want will never be achieved.

...but then I guess thats just me being completely oblivious to the power i possess to be, create, and evolve into whatever I choose.

but its so easy to look around and feel powerless...

u know?

change is refreshing

2010-08-05T05:13:00.000-07:00

I wish humans didn't need sleep to survive. there is so much I could do with those 6hours of sleep I use up every night.

O well. Its morning now and I will be off to work with in the hour.

I'm up listening to vampire weekend and drinking tea with a white fluffy puppy on my lap... me thinks this is a great start to my day ;)

It seems like its been decades since my last post. my apologies. so much has changed. so much has happened. so fast.

grandma Jane passed away.

the amazing woman that raised my husband from age 9 is no longer with us. and no, it still doesn't seem real. we miss her. our world isn't the same. but i can say I'm so grateful for the life she lived. i admire the strength she had. and i am so thankful that she raised my husband with all the love he needed. i know she is finally resting in peace. we love her. always.

after she passed we left Columbus, OH. we left a lot behind and decided to get a fresh start in Cincinnati. So here we are. we have our own place again. new jobs. new everything. and honestly, the change is refreshing. we needed it.

That's our new home. We really missed having our own space...no furniture yet... but its cool, we don't mind ruffin' it

;)

fashion post

2010-06-12T16:27:00.000-07:00

“Fashion is not something that exists in dresses only. Fashion is in the sky, in the street, fashion has to do with ideas, the way we live, what is happening.” - Coco Chanel
Her Thought Bubble. blogspot is missing ONE thing

FASHION

its missing MY personal take
MY personal style
MY voice

Soooo this must be changed! Right?

I have been incredibly inspired by blogs like...

http://hairspiration.blogspot.com/
http://thequirkystylista.blogspot.com/
http://chikfashioneuphoria.blogspot.com/
http://www.dulcecandy.com/

so if fashion is a passion of yours like it is for me make sure you check out those blogs and be on the look out for more fashion post from yours truly

later ;)

a shot from lipgloss mag

2010-05-29T20:44:00.000-07:00

i love you

2010-03-30T13:37:00.000-07:00

Sooo a few weeks back I was in Cleveland having dinner with my family at Olive Garden. Out of nowhere my dad ask a question that you could tell had been pressing on his mind. He posed this question to all of his kids, "where are yall with the Lord?"

I laughed.

I dont know why it seemed like such a bizarre question, but it did. I didn't exactly know how to answer him, so as my sister began to speak I thought of what I wanted to say. I thought about the truth.

You have to understand that grew up in a very christian home. Both parents are ministers and pastored a church of about 250 members for the majority of my existence. Needless to say I saw and experience a lot in the church. There's always a certain disappointment in my mom's tone when she makes mention of the fact that none of her children go to church since we've all left the nest.

But I believe we all have our reasons.

When my sister finished responding to my dad, he then turned his attention to me. Asked the question again, and I felt the heat of the spot light. I looked at him and began to answer as truthfully as I knew how.

Unfortunately we didnt get a chance to finish that conversation that day, because dinner was over and we needed to leave the restaurant. But I do believe he heard what I did get a chance to say and I really hope we get to continue our discussion soon.

But I opened with this,

"I never got a chance to choose Christianity for myself. I was born into a christian home and that was it"

Its true. Some people have stories where they searched and searched for something to believe in and then they discovered Christianity. They had that "ah ha!" moment.

Yea... never had that moment and I don't now that I ever will. Right now, I'm in process of understanding what it is i really believe. I don't claim to know that meaning of life, or where we go when we die, or any of those hard hitting questions we all ask ourselves. But I am open to having a deeper understanding of myself and the world around me. I am open to evolving mentally, physically, and spiritually. I'm not afraid to ask questions or have doubts...and more importantly I'm not afraid of not knowing. Simply saying, "I don't know"

With that being said, I hope to not offend my loved ones who are devout in there faith. Because one thing I DO know is that love is the most powerful force in the universe.

And

I

love

you.

2010-03-23T12:41:00.000-07:00

AHHH!!! SO MUCH is going on!!! I dont even know where to begin!!! We need to get the freaking Internet in our new place so I can actually keep my precious baby blog updated!!

... I guess I should start with good news... ready? Okay... I got a promotion!!! YAY!!! Assistant manager at Shi by Journey's, full time, benefits... a real "grown up" job lol Im excited. At first I was low key nervous because Ive seen people in managerial positions with the company who are absolutely miserable being there... but then I realized this experience, just like any experience, will be what I make it. So Im choosing to make it a positive one, and I am really excited to start :) Making more money will put us closer to our savings goal which will only speed up the whole moving process. This is good.

I also found out a while ago that Americas Next Top Model is casting here in Columbus on April 8th. I decided to go try. I was never interested before because the whole "reality tv" idea turned me off. But now, for some reason Im interested... really interested. So wish me luck! :)

I have deeper things to express about whats going on in my life, but my mind isnt there right now so Im just gonna leave it right here for now....

Much love to all of you <3

im homeless

2010-02-20T10:36:00.001-08:00

Tears were flowing at about about a gallon a second and it was in that moment that I was really thankful i saved the Wendy's napkins from lunch so I could blow my nose. Sobbing as the waste basket by my bed continues to fill with snotty yellow napkins. This wasn't how I pictured my night going when I woke up this morning...

...then again waking up wasn't exactly an easy task in itself.

Its been quite a while since my last post, and a lot has changed.For starters, everything around me. According to plan we moved out of our apartment earlier this month and in with John's family (a.k.a. the mad house). Unfortunately, this "mad house" seems to be our best option. At this point we are in a position where are expenses are minimal so are savings can expand,and we can relocated and avoid starvation and homelessness in the process. But with these sacrifices being made I still feel homeless in a way, because this place is soo far from my definition of home. I wish I could explain what its like here with out possibly offending someone who might read these words in the future. But I can't. So I won't.

But I will say, if you're imagining some type of third layer of hell scenario you can definitely scale it back a bit. Its not that bad, it's just not that good. I'm just trying to adjust to being completely out of my element... find my world again in this foreign place. I guess I just let all the negativity get to me. I try to cling on to my positive thoughts for dear life and sometimes it just feels like the littlest things come to snatch them away. Like bickering with my husband for instance. The smallest rift tears me apart. He's my only sense of home, my only sense of security. Its when we let the little thing get between us, that's when I feel homeless. Like a nomad.

BUT, its only been two weeks. I'm still adjusting, finding my groove, my peace of mind. I can make this a positive experience or I make this my prison, I know its my choice.

It's MY choice.

creatively scatterbrained

2010-01-18T07:17:00.000-08:00

Im so creatively scatterbrained. So many ideas in my head. So many started projects. So much creativity and so little completion. I think this is why Im always a little wacky. I need to shut out the world for like a week, be alone with my ideas, and bring them to life......

On second thought. No. That might be somewhat dangerous. Maybe just a couple of days, MAYBE. I can't be alone with my thoughts for that long. My husband knows. Its not healthy for a loner to be alone too much. I sink deep inside myself and forget how to function socially. Its all bad.

But anyways like I was saying... things need to get done. These things include: writing for for the book, the short story im working on, my face mesh painting, fashion illustrations all over the place.... and ummm.... I think thats it? yeah. I think thats it.

I have to get this apartment clean before I do anything. I can't think amongst mess.

Ill leave you with some sketches of Seth. He's the second character in my children's book. Seth is nine. He's Jondi's best friend and next door neighbor. He comes from a Jewish background. His two loves: music and academics. He's a little dorky, kind of a mamas boy, somewhat timid.... but he always finds himself in some kind of trouble with Jondi....

Its been a minute... u remember Jondi?

Thats her.

shattered illusions

2010-01-17T03:30:00.001-08:00

I find it amazing that I spend so much time worrying that people may think bad things about me when in reality there ARE bad things about me... there are a lot of good things too... but why would I rather let people cling to an illusion that everything is all good and later be disappointed when they find that I, am in fact a flawed human. I am beautiful, but flawed nonetheless. For this reason I resolve to stop trying to filter my flaws before I present myself to the world.
This is me.... selfish, insecure, loving, passionate, strong, weak- ME.

I just can't help it...

My husband and I made one new years resolution. Just one. Here it is....
no bull shit.

Simple right?

Anything in our lives that doesn't bring us peace will either be changed or removed completely.

This excites me. This puts us on a whole other level of honesty. Not just with each other, but with in ourselves about the things we allow to steal our peace.

For me its fear, worry, and doubt. Three things that can paralyze you mentally, spiritually, and physically if you allow them to stick around. So my goal is to dispel all three. While I shatter illusions of a perfect me, and let go of the fear I am happy with who I am and where I am right now in this moment.

Love. it.

switch it up

2010-01-15T17:58:00.000-08:00

Its been a minute so I thought Id switch it up ;)

small chapter

2009-12-07T14:13:00.000-08:00

Its been a minute- eh? I wish I was one of the people that writes ALL the time, but I'm not. I get the urge to write way more often than I actually do... I guess I should just stop resisting.... but um... yeah. A lots been going on. My thought bubble has been quite full lately. Basically, to put it simply, I've been fed up. I feel like I keep singing the same song- but its true. I am fed up. Fed up with this city, fed up with the monotony, fed up with being uninspired. I feel stuck. I always feel stuck. Lets downs seem to come at me left and right. Just the other day our car broke down again... and I immediately had a flash back of this past summer. In the spring our car broke down, engine locked up. Dead. Gone. Over. That led to me loosing my job. Its hard to transport myself from place to place with out transportation. Job over. That led to brokness. Bills barely getting paid, groceries barely in the house. Now it takes me forever to find a job, but finally get one. Then my dad decides to help us out and give us my little brothers car since he away at school and it's just sitting there. Thanks dad! Now we have a car again. Job- check. Car- check. Seems like our lives are getting back on track. A few weeks later, I get fired. Why? Still don't know the real reason... something about "bad work-match"... whatever that means. Unemployed again. But hey! I have a running car now, maybe I could get my old job back!... NOPE! My old boss said he cant depend on me, because of what happened when my car broke down and I couldn't get to work.... gee thanks. Back to back interviews, everyone says no. So we peace out. We go visit Chicago for a week. I figure there I can focus on what I really wanna do: model. I go visit Ford Modeling agency. They arnt interested. I go visit Elite Modeling Agency, then BMG Models... they both seem interested. So I bust my butt to send them pictures... and nothing. "No thank you. You are not what we are looking for at this time".... whatever. Story of my life. So here I am. I have three minimum wage jobs, technically four. I work in the mall, Shi by Journey's, Delias, and Hollister.... and I still do Bustown Modern once or twice a week. Then this past week the car breaks down. Here I am bumming rides, trying to hang on to my shitty jobs so we can pay these bills that don't seem to ever go away. I guess this is what being grown up is like. I find myself becoming resentful and negative. I hate that. That's not who I am. All I wanna do is travel with my husband. I want us to get out of here and see this world together before we look up and I'm pregnant, and we're thirty, and all we've ever seen is Ohio. I already feel like I'm too old to model at the level that I want. Just a little too old, hips a little too wide, and just little too short. Do I care? No. Because not trying is not an option. Am I afraid? No. I used to be, but now I'm too afraid to be afraid. It will keep me stagnant. I want to be that fearless, passionate, God-fearing woman I see in my head. I don't want to settle. But at the same time, I want to love the person I am today. I don't always know how to do that. Sometimes the standard I hold myself up to is so high and when I fail to reach it I mentally tear myself down and pick myself apart. Ugh! blah blah blah. I don't want this post to sound like my life completely sucks and I just feel sorry for myself. I just needed to vent. I want this blog to tell my story, the real story, not the sugar-coated version. Because I honestly feel like there will be an amazing ending, and without the hard part the ending just wouldn't be as good. This is just a small chapter in my life. But stay tuned, I know it gets better...

I CUT MY HAIR!!!

2009-11-30T18:47:00.000-08:00

I had an urge to cut my hair.... instead I resisted an turned to my trusty bobby pins. I call it my faux rihanna cut :) Tell me what you think!

All the clothes can be purchased here >> http://stores.ebay.com/bustownmodern

the underdeveloped fetus of my dream

2009-10-20T06:16:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamed I gave birth to a baby girl. She was wrapped up in a pink blanket and she was about 7 inches long. I seemed to be the only one in the dream that thought it was weird that she was so small, while no one else really even seemed to care that I had just given birth. With the exception of my husband, nobody really touched, or even looked at the baby. Before I gave birth I never even knew I was pregnant, I wasn't even showing. The baby just seemed to painlessly slip out. I remember laying the baby by my husband on the bed, and then instantly being overcome with the fear that he would roll over and crush the baby. That thought made me so upset and angry, but for some reason I just wouldn't move the baby. Then I woke up.

Weird right??

So when I woke up I told my husband about it... he had no idea what it meant. So when he left for work I started googling it. (I'm kinda a google nerd, I google everything)

This is what I found....

As always, question your dream noticing the finer details. How far along are you? Are you showing? Are you close to delivery? Are you actually giving birth? If you've delivered, are you taking care of the child? If you are not showing, but know you are pregnant, think of this symbolically and ask yourself if there is some idea that you've conceived but are not 'showing' to the world? Is there something hidden inside you, waiting to be noticed, waiting to be given some attention and time to develop? If you are giving birth, think about what happens when a woman gives birth: there is pain, followed by new life. In this case, this could indicate something in your life that will be painful to deal with but will ultimately give you great joy. Or it could mean that there is something you want to bring into the world which will be as life changing as giving birth. Whatever it is, the good news is that it is a natural event, something spontaneous and filled with life. If you have already given birth, are you taking care of what you brought into the world or has it been abandoned? Look at your life and see if there is something that needs some nurturing, some part of yourself that means a lot to you, but you haven't been taking care of--a project, a relationship, anything. Ask yourself why this isn't being addressed, ask yourself what is more important that your own creation. Pregnancy dreams, like real life pregnancies are harbingers of change, creativity, and new life being brought into the world. Treat your life as you would treat yourself if you were pregnant and wait for the miracle you're already creating to manifest in your waking world!

Crazy right?? With a little research I got my interpretation... and it all makes complete sense...

I see this dream as somewhat of a warning, like God wants me to understand something that I'm not getting. I realize that God has put so much in me. He has given me gifts and talents and skills, some of which I have yet to even tap into. But I think God is trying to get me to understand that they must be nurtured. That's why the baby in my dream was so under developed. The baby didn't represent a literal baby, it represented my purpose. I was so confused and heartbroken in the dream because nobody seemed to take notice to what I had just birthed. Meaning that if I don't take time to nurture and understand myself and my purpose and walk in that, it will not grow and it will not make the impact on this world that it needs to. It will simply go unnoticed. My research explained that if I wasn't showing in the dreaming this could mean, symbolically that there is some idea that you've conceived but are not 'showing' to the world? That there maybe something hidden inside me, waiting to be noticed, waiting to be given some attention and time to develop.

It's all true.

Another interesting point in my dream is the fact that my husband was the only one that cared about the baby besides me. He is the closest person to me in this world. I tell him literally everything. He's seen me in my most vulnerable state. I have opened myself to him to the point where he sees things in me that I don't even see. So it makes sense that he would care for the baby as I did in my dream. But at the same time I felt the need to protect it from him in fear that he would disguard it like the rest of the people in my dream. I didn't trust him completely. I forgot that he was on my side. He saw the baby just as I did. Meaning that he sees my purpose and my dreams just as I do, if not clearer. I can admit that at times I forget that. At times I forget that we are on the same team and that he would never damage the things I cherish, but that he will cherish them as well. He is always on my side.

Deep right?? That was a lot of deepness to be so early in the morning! But it was a good dream, and I'm glad I took the time to understand it. I rarely remember my dreams, so when I do i like to take the time to make sense of them.

I will be asking God to give me a deeper understanding of my purpose... and as I understand more I will share more, and expose more of me.

I am full of greatness, and so are you. I encourage you to find it in yourself as well.

chicago visit

2009-10-12T05:55:00.000-07:00

Im sitting in my Columbus apartment listening to Modest Mouse. I just woke up not too long ago. I feel content this morning. Thats a feeling I havn't felt in a long time. I know my last post was a bit mellow dramatcic but it was honestly how I felt when I wrote it. That was the day I went to my first "real" open call at Ford Modeling Agency and I learned for the first time what it felt like to be rejected in the industry. Honestly I didn't know what to do with the emotions I felt. I didnt know how to get rid of them and I didn't even know how to feel them... they were just there. It was a strange night, and an even stranger morning because wednesday I had to prepare to visit Elite Models. I went in there ready for anything and ready for nothing.

Walking into Elite I was greeted by the receptionist with long blonde hair, she was smiling. She told me I was early and to take a seat. I immediatly felt better... the receptionist at Ford never smiled. Finally they walked us into a room down the hall where we were met by the scout. She was smiling, and talking to us like she actually wanted to talk to us. The scout at Ford just wanted to get the open call over with so she could leave and go pick her daughter up from school... everything felt so different in this place. We all said our names, our age, where we were from, and how tall we were.

"HI my name is Tondi, Im 21 years old, Im from Columbus, OH and Im 5'8'" *big smile*

Everybody had a turn and then the scout began to speak again. She gave us a little lecture about how models must stand out, and we are only given seconds to make an impression, and then she turned to me and said... "With that being said, Im going to ask everyone to leave except for this young lady"

Inside I was jumping, screaming, doing cartwheels, and high-fiving myself!!!! Outside I was cool, calm and collected. She took me upstairs, checked my height, introduced me to a lady, and handed me something called a snap request. A snap request is basically a request for several shots of your body from different angles, so they know what you look like with no make up, hair pulled back, and no posing. Those photos are then, to be mailed in. I ask for her card, shook her hand and saw myself out the door.

We then decided to stay one more day, to see one more agent. BMG Models. I hadn't heard of them until I got to Chicago. But I felt it was worth a shot. They are are smaller agency but very reputable, which is never a bad thing. So for our last day in Chicago we paid them a visit. I really liked the feel of the agency, it was very homey. The people were friendly and helpful. They took the time to meet with each model individually. They also expressed interest and they gave me basically the same snap request.

Yesterday I mailed off the photos to both BMG and Elite. They should arrive in Chicago tommorrow... and in the mean time I wait to hear back...

crossing fingers, and praying to God...

there are a few of the photos I sent in>>

rejection

2009-09-27T14:56:00.000-07:00

I stress and I obsess about the fear of rejection in the modeling industry. The inevitable rejection that awaits me causes fear to consume me at times. I often think I wont be able to handle it and that my skin simply isn't thick enough. I want to keep high hopes and and dream big and at the same time prepare for doors to be slammed in my face. I seek balance in that but most times there is little to be found.

planning our escape

2009-09-06T16:43:00.000-07:00

These past couple of days have had me on such a roller coaster ride of emotions. Up until this morning my husband and I were planning our escape. Our plan was to quit our jobs, break our lease and leave in the night with out a word. Selling most of what we own, leaving everything and everyone behind to start over and hopefully find ourselves closer to our dreams. John had already put in his two weeks notice at his job- so the plan was very much in motion and I found myself freaking out.

I know it sounds like something out of a movie... but haven't you ever felt like that?? Like leaving everything behind to explore this world while you explore yourself? Or to stop chasing your dreams the safe way and take a risk?

I KNOW WE DID. We were over it... the monotony of life. We are 21, feeling 41. We wanted to do something that they people would look at and say, "that's stupid". I know it sounds crazy but we wanted to be "young and dumb" for once. We felt like our options were, work jobs and be no where near realizing our dreams, and struggle....or..... struggle doing what we love.

But, like I said I was freaking out. Silently, at first. We gave ourselves two weeks before the big move. Plenty of time for my mind to throw me in plenty of directions and convince myself to stick to our original plan.

Needless to say, we came to our senses, but we know somethings gotta give. Leaving now would mean breaking our lease and destroying our credit. It would also mean making a home in our car, that's if our car would even survive the trip. It would mean struggling unnecessarily.

Don't get me wrong... we arnt afraid of struggle. We know that making your dreams come true comes with a price. But that doesn't mean all good sense goes out the window. Although it did for a split second, so we let it back in through the door.

At the end of the day the overwhelming feelings of being unsatisfied and desperate forced us to look at our lives in a completely different way. We realized how thankful we were for our lives together and allll the things God has blessed us with. God has given us a huge assignment for our lives and he has given us gifts and talents to assist in completing what he has called us to do in this world. Therefore we have to realize our purpose and let it drive our lives and everything we do.

We remain unsatisfied. We are 100% not complacent. We want to walk in our purpose and we are willing to sacrifice what we must. But we also want to be on God's timing, not our own. And we also want to be directed and moved by God, not our emotions.

Lets just say we wont be in Columbus, Ohio much longer.

straight hair dont care

2009-09-05T06:46:00.000-07:00

SOOO I straightened my hair... it took forever and lasted a day. My conclusion: BIG WASTE OF TIME... but it was cute while it lasted...

wee young thang

2009-09-02T20:55:00.001-07:00

Last time you heard from me I was just a wee young thang... but today I stand before you as a woman... haha sike naw... but I did turn the big TWO ONE last week :)

You heard right ladies and gents- ya girl is 21 years old as of August 24th! Feels good I must say. My birthday was spent with just and my baby. We slept in, went to the beach, stuffed our faces at waffle house... the day was perfect :)

So far I have not become the lush that I imagined- due largely to the fact that Im usually broke... although I did get drunk with my husbands family- it was awsome- but thats another story for another time ;)

In other news I FINALLY got a job. I started at Rag-O-Rama on monday! So far I loves it ;) Hopefully I stick with it till I bust up out of Ohio

ALSO, on my first day I met a lady that recognised me from mane & chic!! She said I inspired her big chop- I thought that was pretty dope! Im really bad with names- but you were one hot mama, I do remember that! lol Sooo if you're reading this I just wanted to give YOU a shout out! - so there you go :)

ummm what else is dere??

OH YEAH- I met with that agent from S2 Wilhelmina. The meeting went great. But Im still not sure what I want to do. HUGE GROWN- UP DECISION ALERT. brain crashing... crashing...crashing....gone.

Unfortunately Chicago got postponed for a of couple weeks and for couple of reasons. For one, mother nature sent me my monthly gift. So we arnt speaking. And for two, I didnt like the way the trip was organized- to where the there was a possibility of me missing one of my open calls. Not cool. So we are planning it better and Im going to get off the rag and we are gonna go in two weeks... I've waited this long, whats two weeks.

"jaboree" music video

2009-08-11T14:10:00.000-07:00

Remember I said I was doing a music video a couple months back?? Well they finally released it!! Please click on the link and tell me what you think!! :)>>>http://vimeo.com/5626049

Starring THE John Reuben

a few updates

2009-08-10T15:32:00.000-07:00

I have attempted to write a post six times now. I have something to say but the words arnt comming out. I wanted to give a quick update on the goings on of life since my last post but I feel like so much has gone on Im not sure where to start. Normally I have a lot on my mind, but in this moment not so much. There is just one thing on my mind...it's not making much room for anything else. Im so hesitant to say it... and I think there's a reason for that so ill just move on...

OK, a few updates:

The job search continues... I havnt found anything yet but I continue to search.

My husband and I are planning a trip to Chicago so I can meet with Ford and Elite Modeling Agencies. I am extremely excited about that... it will be my favorite birthday present :)
I will be 21 August 24th. A nice way to start another year of life.

Also I met a lady from one of Wilhelmina's affiliate agencies, called S2Wilhelmina.... they just happen to be based here in Columbus, who knew?? Heres a link to the agencies site in case you live under a rock and have no idea what Im talking about >>http://www.wilhelmina.com/ The lady was very nice, gave me her card and told me to give her a call. I'll probably call her tomorrow morning and set something up. Also very exciting, I havnt been in front of an agent since I was 15 and I had my mommy with me... of course we were being scammed and lost a crap ton of money... but hey. Lesson learned. If I talked to this lady and she's asking for a mula, I know to say a polite "no thank you" and find to the nearest exit :)

In other news... I am more than half way throught the bible!! Crazy right?? I found this podcast called, Daily Audio Bible (here's a link http://www.dailyaudiobible.com/) It's amazing. I starting following along in January and Im already halfway through the bible...and I must say it's a great book. It will change your life if you let it. The bible used to send a "nap time" signal to my brain, which is why I can't believe that by the end of this year I will have read the whole thing cover to cover. Thats good stuff.

Also, I will be introducing you all to Seth here pretty soon. He is the next charcter in the childrens book I am working on. You might remember Jondi. She's the main charcter in the series. I introduced her to you guys back in June. Well, Seth is her bestfriend. He's all drawn out, I just have to finish painting him. When he's done I'll show you guys. I love him already :)

Oh yeah, I had a photo shoot at a fair on friday. Yup, right there in front of everybody. Picture me in a little tiny bandage dress, huge hair, and 4" fringe boots walking around the fair with a photographer and our assistant! LOL People thought I was famous! They were all taking pics with their camera phones and asking for my autograph! I got soo weirded out! It was like I was on an America's Next Top Model challenge or something! I had to play the games and ride the rides while still posing and trying to look "candid" all the while everybody is stopping and staring and shouting things! LOL It was super awkward at first, but then I stopped caring and I got into it and ended up having a lot of fun. The shots look amazing! They arnt edited or anything yet but heres a sneak peek...

Anessa Woods shots this... and I love it......Anyways that is all for now... Untill we meet again- stay sexy!!

bustown

2009-07-28T06:51:00.000-07:00

who knew vintage could be so FLY?

http://stores.shop.ebay.com/BustownModern__W0QQ_sidZ37692875QQ_trksidZp4634Q2ec0Q2em14?_pgn=2

confessions of a negative nancy

2009-07-22T07:22:00.000-07:00

I am in a place in my life that I have never been in before. I feel like a-stay-at-home mom without the kids. I wake up with John. I lay in the bed while watch him get ready for work. We aren’t big on chatting it up in the morning, so I might make sure he has his iPod or something, then I kiss him at the door and say bye and tell him I love him. Lock it, chain it. This tends to be our 10 min. morning routine. He leaves for work and I turn around and think, "now what?"
This is how it’s been since we no longer have a dependable car to get me out to my job, that’s 30 minutes away from our place. My husband's job isn’t too far, so sometimes he pushes our olds mobile (she's gonna die any minute) or he just carpools with a friend. My only job now is modeling for Bustown Modern and being wifey. It’s so strange. I am left with so much free time and I spend most of it alone, with no car and very little money, if any. The reason I don’t just get a job near our place in the mean time, is because we kept thinking our car will be fixed any minute now and I can just go back to Abercrombie Home Office....well...we thought that all up until yesterday when we found out the engine was shot....Bad news. Plan screwed.

Actually, our summer is not going at all how we planned it. I never thought... I would find myself in this little cage of an apartment day after day. The thing is, I am naturally somewhat of a loner. I don’t mind being by myself, at times, I actually prefer it. It’s the Virgo in me. I simply enjoy myself. I enjoy writing by myself, and painting by myself, and thinking by myself. But I have had an overload of alone time this summer. I've found myself uninspired to do most anything. Paint, write, sketch, nothing. My outlook became so negative. I just felt like I was locked up in my cage until John came home to give me some air. Sitting home, while he works 40 hours a week, had me feeling like a bum. A negative, uninspired, bum. Each day that passed I felt completely unproductive and super depressed. I kept thinking, I could have had the rough draft of my children’s book done by now with all this time on my hands. But nope, nothing. The only thing I can say is I have been on my A-game when it comes to modeling. That’s been my main motivating force. Knowing that soon, we won’t be here. That’s its only a matter of time, before we get it together and we are watching our dreams come true. We are struggling, yes, but our dreams are still so tangible. I still feel that we are closer than we even realize. We are struggling, so we are strengthened when our lives make that drastic turn.

This is why I thank God for the man He gave me. Because he has the ability to see through me. My husband knows my heart. He can pray for me, he can hold me; he can be strong for me. But all in the same breath he can call me out! He tells me the straight up truth, even when I don’t want to hear it. We were talking on the phone and he said, "Stop being so negative, and STOP complaining....you really just need to stop, you have a great life."

I was in the middle of pity party so that hit kinda hard... I got real silent... and ended the conversation so I could get off the phone. I wanted to continue my pity party alone, since obviously he would be of no assistance. He was intent on breaking it up. So I tried. I tried to sit there and sulk. I thought about how I miss my car, and my job. I thought about how I hate the bus, and all the men on the bus that insist on evading my personal space (yes, it happens a lot). I thought about how lonely I was and how I missed my best friends and my family. I thought about our plans to save money, so we would be able to move to Chicago, and how off track everything was. I loaded my mind with every bad thing that was going on until all I wanted to do was go to sleep so I would stop thinking. But I couldn't get John's voice out of my head!!

Damn. He was right. Again. So check this out... let’s go down the list of positives in my life...

1. God...enough said.

2. John Marshall Collins... he loves me. Real talk.
3. My family... we are close, only phones call away.
4. Food... I eat very well :)
5. A roof, and a bed

...this list could go on forever. Moral of the story: Whatever my situation looks like I will choose to be positive and grateful to be alive. I’m looking at this time as a blessing. A great opportunity to continue building my modeling portfolio, and a working on my book. I’m also learning to wait on God and have patience. And to live each day intentionally.

yes. im a dork.

2009-07-21T16:25:00.000-07:00

L-five LIVE in cleveland

2009-07-20T17:55:00.000-07:00

Lucky 5 rockin out on stage at Peabody's

i love the passion in his voice... they make love to their instruments

me, my cousin (lead singer of Lucky 5), tosha (my big sister)

marques and I :)

me and Tosha (my home skillet)

Marques and his girlfriend, Jacque

haha...this sums my sister

you can't have a night out with out one good booty shot

my lover man

lucky 5

2009-07-16T18:46:00.000-07:00

Check THIS out...I'm going home for my second weekend in a row! Please hold the applause...

The thing is I promised my cousin (Marques) I would go see his band play when they came to cleveland... and it just so happens that they have a gig this saturday at Peabody's downtown. Sooo its no brainer... good music + my favorite cousin= me there! Plus my husband is comming along this time, which is perfect cause they have yet to meet each other. I know they will hit it off, because my husband can make friends with any and everybody... seriously... and my cousin is pretty much the dude version of me... so whats not to love?

Go check out the band...the name is LUCKY FIVE and they're the SHIT (excuse my french, im just sayin...)

http://www.myspace.com/luckyfive

(my cousin is the one with the cig in his mouth, the lead singer)

this weekend is going to be dope... PLUS my babe is taking me thrifting tomorrow... im gonna find some vintage hottness to wear to the show :)

i heart vintage

2009-07-15T07:07:00.000-07:00

U LIKE? HOT ISH RIGHT? IT CAN BE YOURS :)
http://stores.shop.ebay.com/BustownModern__W0QQ_sidZ37692875QQ_trksidZp4634Q2ec0Q2em14?_pgn=3

the land of cleves

2009-07-13T18:31:00.000-07:00

I’m just chillen, really... listening to this mix I made this morning and sipping on some coffee. I feel good. I must say. I'll feel even better when John gets home from work :) We spent all weekend apart once again due to the fact that I went to Cleveland to see the fam.

I saw mommy and daddy and my big sis aaaand my little brother and my niece aaaand my other brother.... it was perfect!

I missed them all soo much. I also got to see my dad in action on his campaign trail. He's running for judge of Cleveland. I’m proud of him :) He's so passionate. I love that about my dad. He's a passionate, hardworking, selfless man. I would love to be more like him. I love 'em.

Anyways, before I went to Cleveland I had two photo shoots on Friday. The first one was on the beach. I shot with this photographer named Anessa Woods (she's the chick that owns Bustown Modern). It was me and another model, Meghan. We looked hott! Decked out in swim suits and furs! lol I can't to see how the images came out. Hopefully I can post them on here soon. I went from the beach back home for two whole seconds to grab my hubby...then to my next photo shoot. I had to shoot for John Rueben's upcoming album cover set to drop in August. That was fun. I love John Reuben. He's awesome guy. If you're not familiar with him, he's a Christian rap artist...you should check him out >>http://www.myspace.com/johnreuben. Friday was a busy day, but good day.

Theeeen I went to the land of Cleves. Kicked it. My parent's new house feels like a vacation home. I love it. The walls are bright colors and there're lots of windows so it’s always breezy... I could have stayed there longer if I hadn't left my baby love behind. So we got back on the road on Sunday and headed home. I was happy to be back, I missed my bed and the guy in it ;)

Oh yeah!! I almost forgot! I gotta a job too! My bum days are over. lol Making money and saving money means BYE BYE OHIO! :) God is certainly good!

So, uh yeah... I think that’s about it.

Peace and LOVE yall **follow your dreams**

distraction

2009-07-08T09:39:00.000-07:00

I must confess I've been distracted. There is one main focus of my life, one main passion, one main force that motivates everything I do…. Jesus. I've know about Jesus from a very early age, but I only fell in love five short years ago. It wasn't a trip, or a stumble, I fell and I fell hard. That love was so consuming, I devoted my life to it. Therefore my life is no longer my own and my plans are now God's plans. So I must confess I've been distracted. Busy making my own plans, and dreaming dreams as if they were my own. Forgetting who put them in my heart, and who will in turn make them come to past. I sit and fight with myself because I can't seem to conceal my weakness. Forgetting His strength is made perfect in my weakness. I must confess I've been distracted. In the quest to peal back the next layer of myself and discover who I am in a deeper way, there is no ignoring God. Because I, alone, can never understand the complex layers that make me who I am unless I first understand the one that created me. I will never understand my purpose until I understand my God. In strengthening our relationship and spending time in His presence, distraction seems to be my worst enemy. My husband said it best, " When God is out of sight he's out of mind, and when Im impatient with the weight of the wait, I step out of line". Stepping back in line is no problem, because God never leaves. Regaining focus is never a problem because God's love brings clarity. Remembering the passion and the dreams in my heart was given by God, not just for me, but the world at large. I must confess I've been distracted until now.

vinatge ish

2009-07-08T08:48:00.000-07:00

Sooo I just got back from shooting for Bustown Modern... these are some the items that are up this week. Feel free to check it out >>>http://stores.shop.ebay.com/BustownModern__W0QQ_sidZ37692875QQ_trksidZp4634Q2ec0Q2em14?_pgn=1

my big sister

2009-07-04T07:44:00.000-07:00

So we meet again... here on these pages. What can I say today? Im not quite sure yet... but I know there's plenty on my mind...

Today is July 4th and woke up not too long ago. The first thought I had waking up was of my sister, Tosha. So I texted her. I havn't talked about her too much thus far, but she has always been a big deal in my world. The seven year gap between us, used to seem much bigger, but the older we get the closer we get. As a little girl, I would always follow her around, the difference is, now, its somewhat welcomed.

The thing is... She's smart. She's beautiful. She's strong. Like I said, she's kind of a big deal in my world. I just love her, and I feel blessed to be her little sister.

I dont know about most families. But when birthdays would come around at my house, my mom would sit you down and tell you the story of the day you were born. She would always start out my story telling me how everybody wanted a boy. My parents already had their girl, and they were asking God for a boy.

Tosha, however, disagreed. Instead she asked God for a sister. And God heard, and gave her Tondi Rachelle. And now she's stuck with me :)

I always liked that part of the story.

Sooo yeah. My sister was on my mind this morning. Her and funnel cake.

We walked miles to sold out funnel cake last night. It broke my heart to say the least. Columbus puts on their firework show "Red White and Boom" every year on July 3rd. Personally, I wasnt thinking about fireworks, or our independence day, all I could think about was FUN-NEL-CAKE. We walked for forever and waited in line for forever and then they run out of funnel cake. Lame I tell you, lame....soo I concluded that Im making my own today....we'll see how it goes.

never again

2009-06-29T07:39:00.000-07:00

I have learned so much this weekend...about myself, my career, and about people. The lesson that I came away with is the ONLY reason I don't wish to completely wipe this weekend away from my memory.

As you know, I went to Jersey for a fashion show thursday night. I said in my last blog that my expectations weren't very high seeing as Jersey isnt exactly the fashion capital of the world....well apparently I should have lowered then eeeeven more.

It was hands down THE worst fashion show I have ever been apart of. It was ghetto, unorganized, thrown together, and classless. Charging models $10 to have there make up done is absurd! How about YOU compensate the models, not charge them to do YOU a favor. And on top of all that I was personally was direspected and verbally attacked by one of the local designers. The show was a joke.

That taught me a valuable lesson that I will never forget:

NOBODY IS GOING TO TAKE CARE OF YOU IN THIS INDUSTRY. YOU HAVE TO LOOK OUT FOR YOURSELF.

I wasted sooo much time and energy doing something that was of no benefit to myself or anybody else. In the future unless I am COMPENSATED I will not being doing ANY travel for ANYONE. I value my craft too much to sell myself cheap. And I will no longer allow myself to be taken advantage of.

Im angry at myself more than anything because I ignored my instinct. I knew this show would not be beneficial to me or my career. But I still went. The "people pleaser" in me cause me to do something I had no desire to do. Thats my own fault and it wont happen again.

The thing is this isnt a hobby for me. Modeling is something I love, but it is also a career. Its not something I do because Im bord, It means a lot to me. So while, I love runway, in the future I will be MUCH more selective about WHO I work with and what shows I take part in. Compensation being the main determining factor. Because if they cant afford to pay there models, they most likely can't afford to put on a good show.

I HAVE GOT TO GET OUT OF COLUMBUS.

not mention the car broke down on the way back home..........fun :/

new jersey

2009-06-25T10:27:00.000-07:00

First I would like to say HELLOOOO to all my new followers!!! Hopefully I dont bore you...lol

Im going to New Jersey tonight to walk in a fashion show for a designer named Nyemadi http://www.gorgeousgaudygirl.com/ you can buy her stuff and online...you can also check out her blog http:/nyemadify.blogspot.com/

I will also be walking for some other designers I havn't met yet. It should be fun. Its Jersey, so I dont expect it to be a big deal, but its for Nyemadi and I cant say no to her. Honestly, I have trouble saying no in general... lol (I should probally work on that). But anyways it should still be a lot of fun. Runway is my thing, so im excited :)

After that we will go say whats up to NY and then head home. I will be sure to take lots of pictures! ;)

The only thing that sucks is leaving my hubby behind. We havnt spent a night apart in verrry long time. I know I sound like a big baby, but that makes me sad. I wish he could come, but he has to work :( I will be packing a T-shirt of his for sure... and his cologne... and pictures......

Oh god. :/

whatever...dont judge me! LOL

IN OTHER NEWS: the photographer sent me a couple sample photos from the shoot I told you guys about...u the one in Kato's pieces??

here they are >>

What do ya think?? I, personally, love them.... but thats just me...

what up peeps

2009-06-23T07:17:00.000-07:00

...its been a minute... I missed you! I tried to blog a few times last week... but like I said before its a rare time when my head is clear enough to get all my thoughts down. Maybe I should just stop thinking about it so hard and just type as the thoughts come...... or maybe I just stop thinking so hard in general...

....nah...

OK! So guess what! This weekend I got to shoot in Kato's clothes from project runway!! Remember her? She was that liberian hottness...

... yeah u remember...

It was an awsome experience aaand I had a lot of fun. Stephanie Mathews was the photographer, Erica Stewart did make up, and Roxy did hair...it was very sexy, very high fashion... I will be posting pictures soon...

Then I met the rest of husbands family on saturday. We all met up and had a cook out. They do it every year, it was really nice. Everybody was super chill and friendly...although one of his cousins thought i would be funny to refer to me as wife #1 as if to imply there would be more wives to follow me...im thinkin "sorry to dissappoint, but Im here to stay lady!"

lol whatever... it was all good.

ALSO mane&chic has me as there featured model this week. So thats pretty awsome :) Go check it out http://maneandchic.blogspot.com/

while your at it check my myspace I have working on
http://www.myspace.com/tondirw

...ALRIGHTY I think thats it for today... Im going to shoot for Bustown at 2pm and I gots to wash me hair :)

By the way Im going to NEW YORK for the first time the weekend :) Im so excited!

...Ok thats it for real....Later guys!

sundays

2009-06-14T08:06:00.000-07:00

Sunday- in my childhood this day meant one thing and one thing only: church. It meant wake up when a parent calls, get dressed in something presentable, pile the family in the car, be at church till 2pm. But today, church no longer holds that big place in my life. Sunday is just like any other day. Its kind of strange when I think about it... but at the same time its comforting. I have recently realized that in the past the foudation of my realationship with God was the christian communtiy. The problem with that is the fact that the christian communtity is made up of people. These people are there build you up, keep you strong as you function as one body, pray for you as you pray for them. Its a great system. But at the same time they are PEOPLE, broken PEOPLE. Sometimes those people may hurt you or leave you. Then what? What happens when community is no longer? If your realationship with God was only held up by people once they are gone, so is God. Thats what happen to me. I lost community, lost God. It wasnt until recently that I realized that God and our realationship has to come first...the foundation for everything. Now I find myself going back to the basics...getting to know God with out the filter that was the christian community. Thats not to say I dont need church or Im above church, because church is needed, community is needed. Is todays church functioning correctly as a body? No. But thats another story for another time. Regaurdless of all that: as a christian i need community. Its like how a person that comes from a disfunctional family still loves and needs their family. Right now my community consist of my husband and a few friends and family. Down the road if God sees fit, He will place me in a church home, In the mean time He will remain my foundation.

my "ah ha!" moment

2009-06-08T06:02:00.000-07:00

I had a revelation last night while I was laying on the couch. All weekend I have been wrecking my brain trying to figure out how I wanted to approach my childrens book. Sooo many ideas were floating around up there with no idea how to get them out.

I guess you could say I had a case of writers block. I kept getting hung up on the fact that I have to write on an age specific level and I wasn't staying consistant with my language. One minute the language would be very simple, and the next minute I would forget and start talking like a "grown up". Verry confusing.

So I scratched my first draft. I wasn't feeling it... but that was over a month ago. Now here I am still at square one (with the exception of having my main character illustrated) still confused. I know the look im going for in my books I know the message I want to get across in my books... but I had no idea how go about it.

Until last night.

I realized I cant write about what I dont know about. I can write a million different scenarios about a million different people but if I havnt experience it in some way then how can I give an account of it? Unless I know what I'm talking about, my audience won't beleive me, or my charcters, or my plot.

Sooo then I thought what better experiences to draw from then my own! I have first hand knowlege of what its like to be a little kid... sometimes I still feel like one. All I have to do is go down memeory lane and put myself back in that second grade classroom and remember what it was like.

Now im excited! This is something I have wanted to do for a loong time and now I finally have some direction. This project means a lot to me and this is just begining. I can tell Im going to enjoy this process. Working on the first book of my series finally! This is huge!

Here is a sneak peak at what I've been working on...

Her name is Jondi... she is 7 years old. She is the vision for my main character.

I like that she is sooo unique. She doesnt look like anybody Ive ever seen. Some may call her weird, the other kids may make fun of her crazy bright red hair, or the freckels that cover her face, or even her weird mix matched clothes. But she is beautiful, unique, and one of a kind. And that's the message I want to send out to the little girls that read my books, that they are beautiful, unique, and one of a kind!!

Staaaaaay tuned!!

2009-06-02T15:40:00.000-07:00

thoughts that have passed through my mind today....

ohio makes me gag and Im ready to go
im pissed my ipod screen is cracked
grocery shopping is lame when your trying to eat healthy AND on a budget
hot pockets are yummy
i think these walls are closing in on me
why do I love watching The Hills?
im sad John doesnt get off till midnight
i miss my job
i miss my car
why cant I seem to focus on anything?
i miss my family back home
bills suck
im going to sleep...

my art

2009-05-28T18:44:00.000-07:00

clear thought is golden

2009-05-25T14:46:00.000-07:00

It is a rare time when my mind is clear enough to write down my thoughts in a way that makes any type of sense. My thoughts are usually so jumbled and compacted its hard to organize them in my head. Which is why I find blogging to be therapeutic in a weird way. I say that because it forces me to sit down and make myself think clearly. Clear thought is golden in my world because its so rare at times.

I have been dreaming a lot lately... and it causing my life to make so much more sense. Have you ever just been in a place where you have no idea where your life is going? Yeah, Im not there. I know exactly where Im going and its got me on the edge of my seat. Looking into the future gets me excited... watching God to see what he will do next is almost overwhelming.

You when the bible talks about peace that passes all understanding??... yeah? I can truely say I am experiencing that. Having peace when it doesnt even make sense... thats good stuff. No matter where I am at now... I know where Im going, and that feels good.

And it feels so good to have someone by side, down for the ride... John Collins. My husband. Seriously, yall have no idea how much I love that man... he was tailor made for me. My favorite blessing :)

But anyways, I hope you guys are having a great week, and following your dreams :)

.... be blessed

I love my life

2009-05-18T16:49:00.000-07:00

So I have already determined that worry and fear can not be apart of my life. I have already sent their eviction notice and they have been ordered to leave my world.

They have come knocking a few times here and there, but they have been turned away every time. Which is huge for me. The old Tondi would have welcomed them with open arms, the new Tondi slams the door in their face.

I must say Im proud of myself

It might sound cliche, but Life is such a journey. We can plan out every moment, but while we are planning Life goes on, and it doesnt care about our schedules or agendas.

I think one thing I learned this weekend is that I cant live my life afraid to make mistakes. I cant live my life expecting everything to always go my way. That sometimes if I just let life run its course I will save myself a lot of heartache. I have learned that life should be enjoyed, not tolorated. I cant wait for my circumstances to be perfect in order to be happy, I have to decide to be happy.

I have to look at my life and see the amazing people God has put around me and all the provisions He has made for me...too many, too much to name.

I love my life...I love who I am... and I think God is doing a great job.

worry wart

2009-05-01T06:54:00.000-07:00

My alarm clock goes off... its 6:15... I hit the snooze button and the jolly tune goes away to my releif and I drift back to sleep...five minutes pass...there it goes again... the scene replays a couple of times and finally I attempt to use my mind power to tell my feet to touch the floor...

I hate mornings.

Before my eyes even get good and open my head is full and my mind is racing. Worry seemed to flood my mind...
the car broke down the other day...how are we gonna get to work?...we have to repair the car... money is ALready low aaand rent is due...

This is the kinda stuff that makes me wish I was five again... all I had to worry about was my barbies and sneaking candy before dinner....stuff like that...aaaand mandatory naps were scheduled! I would kill for mandatory naps nowadays! But anyways... those days are gone... (sad face)

The thing is I hate worrying. I dont want to be the type of person who doesnt care about anything but i dont want to be the worry wart I see myself turning into. I just sit there and wreck my brain for hours! One thought will lead another thought which will lead to another thought, then that thought will lead right back to the first thought until I have conjured up the worst possible situation in my mind and Im completly freaked out!!

In my mind I was permanently car-less and therefore job-less and therefore apartment-less!! That meant we would have to move in with Johns grandma and stay in John's old room. And all i could picture was life sucking!! Sucking really bad!! And I freaked out!

By this time I was fully awake and I had made it to the shower...and in the midst of my freak out... I stopped myself. I looked at what I was putting myself through...the unnecessary mental anguish.

I felt pathetic. I figured I could do one of two things: suck it up and keep it movin OR I could wake up John and cry on his shoulder so he would comfort me. He knows how my mind works and he would have told to calm down and stop thinking so hard... then he would have looked in my eyes and said he loves me and that God loves even more than he does. He would have reminded me that God has always taken care of us and he always will. And after being challenged to trust God and stop worrying I would have gone along with my day.

I didnt have to wake up John because knowing what he would say and playing the scenario in my head was enough. It was enough of a reminder to stop worrying and trust God. So I prayed.

I asked God for his will to be done...I asked Him to help me not to worry... and to keep me strong.

And I think he heard me because my mind was at peace.
I thought about the worst thing that could happen and it didnt seem that bad anymore. Strangely enough...it actually seemed good...
then I thought what if this was all Gods plan?

What of this is God's way of positioning us to make sacrifices that will pay off in the end?
If we ended up having to stay at John's grandma's house we would be able to save sooo much money. I could get a job nearby and John could carpool to work with his friend. And in the mean time we could save like crazy. That would put us in position to move to chicago by 2010 which is a major goal of ours...

While we stayed there, I would be able to finally get to know my new grandma. We could pick up a household bill and help her around the house and most of all she wouldnt be so alone. I know she is lonely most of time since John moved out, we could be there for her.

Suddenly everything seemed okay. Looking ahead didnt seem so scary. Whether this was the direction God was leading us or not... I had found peace and thats exactly what I needed. I need to know that my life wasnt about to spin out of control. Im no longer worrying... we will just have to see what happens...

maybe God knows what He's doing after all :)

I WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE!

2009-04-28T06:33:00.000-07:00

sooo its been a week since i have hit up my blog... not that I have any devoted followers or anything like that...but whatever lol

thats cool....I still have stuff to say anyways :)

My husband and I went to Cleveland, OH this weekend to see my family. We had to take a family portrait for my dads website...he is running for judge... it was cool.... I missed the fam.

But anyways.... enough of that! This is whats been on my mind lately

I WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE!

I want to explore! I want to see new places! I want to leave!

My husband and I are only 20 and sometimes it feels like we have settled down... we wake up...we go go to work... I clean the apartment... he makes dinner... and so and so forth....

DON'T GET ME WRONG. I love my life...I appriciate the fact that we have jobs that pay the rent and put food on the table. I appricate the fact my husband is my BESTfriend and he rocks my socks! (the poem in my last blog was about him by the way)

My life is awsome. BUT- Im not complacent. There is MUCH more I want to be doing. And the thing is when life is good and things are going well its easy to get comfortable and forget about the dreams you are suppose to be making come true. Complacency is one of our WORST enemies!

When my husband and I got married at the begining of this year we said... we are getting married. yes. BUT we are NOT settling down.

That man is like my husband/ partner in crime...my P.I.C. lol basically what I am saying is we have stuff to do and places to see.

Right now we are lining our ducks in row so that we can take off.

First, a modeling career is what I want! I want it so bad I can taste it! I LOVE love LOVE modeling!

Second, I'm an artist. I paint. I draw...all that ish. Right now Im struggeling to find my artistic voice so to speek....but art is and will always be my passion. I want to start working on my childrens book that will be published ONE DAY.

Thirdly, is dance... a hidden talent of mine that has been on the shelf for quite some time... and I must say I miss it...God didnt give me that gift for nothing...I am just waiting for an outlet to set it free once again...

SOOO as you can see... I have A LOT to do. Believe im gonna do it ALL! Im gonna be all over the place (me and my baby) WATCH :)

I just need to chill out and be patient. God may not always move when I want him to but he ALWAYS moves at just the right time. I know he has to prepare me.

I have to truely understand His purpose for it all before he sends me out there.

For instance, God doesnt want me to model so can look cute on a magazine cover (im pretty sure he could care less) But what he does care about is little girls seeing the beauty in themselves and being inspired to embrace that. Modeling is a great to tool for inspiration.

God's plans are so much bigger than mine... I know I have to take this waiting period to simply listen.

I will move when God says move and stay when God says stay... but OMG thats so much easier said than done...

love itself

2009-04-21T08:46:00.000-07:00

He loves like he was taught by love Itself.
Oneday, Love, in it nakedness, sat him down.
Love revealed itself in the purest way- with everything stripped.
No religon to blur the view.
No fear to numb the feeling.
Bearing its flesh.
Telling its truths.
Days he spent locked in a room.
Just him- love- and his open heart.
Love was the teacher.
He was the student.
His heart was the space where his lesson were written.
Everyday I get to open it- to read, and learn, and feel.
In fact I hold it in my chest.
It pumps the blood that now flows through my veins.
With no religion to blur the view and no fear to numb the feeling and everything stripped.
We love like we were taught by Love Itself.

truth is golden

2009-04-20T10:42:00.000-07:00

There are so many unanswered questions that I have never felt the liberty to ask...until now. I suppose when something is spoon-fed to you from the beginning you never stop to ask "what is this?” Instead I have built my life on it with silent doubt- never audible questions. I don’t suppose it was fear that kept my lips together- or perhaps it was. Fear of the answer- more than that- fear of the question floating in the air remaining unanswered- which would be the worst answer of all. There is a mental deprogramming going on inside my head and I have just completed phase one: realization of flaws in my current mental program. SHOCK. If you sense any bit of sarcasm in that statement you couldn’t be more wrong. When something that is so much a part of who I am- something as serious as faith- is challenged internally- that is nothing short of a shock to the system. As I think about what I have always believed verses what I know in my heart to be true, I find the two to be unbalanced. A wise person once told me that asking why is not the same as saying no. That same person expressed to me (with great passion) that if our entire faith could be nullified by the answers of questions or the asking of questions when it wasn’t much of a faith to begin with. Those words have stayed with me since that night. Today I have a new found liberty to simply ask. Presenting the matters of my faith that I have not yet come to understand to God. And not just in a logical way, but in a real way- a way that my heart (not mind) will understand. My sister once said that logic is the cage that fearful people lock their minds in. And as we all know fear is the opposite of love- and God is love. So through all the questions and all the answers- there is one thing that my heart has understood for a while now- and that is God loves me. He loved me before I loved him back. He loves me when I break his heart. He loves unconditionally beyond my comprehension.

Show me your heart Lord- there I find truth.